[Melek]

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Dear April

My marriage life suck, they use to say that love is blind, and love hurts and many other things. The problem is that i am married for 8 month actually in November i will be 9 month married and 2yrs in relations ship. I am 29yrs and he is 46yrs, i was never married nor have kids, as for my husband he was divorced with 3kids, kids are living with us. He have 1daughter she is 13yrs and 2sons, the sons are adorable but the main problem is his daughter. I swear to God she is a copy paste of her mother in face and also in behave, or saying more clearly she doesnt behave at all, coz she have ODD as her mother so this is genetic problem. But she is the main key of my problems one day she tell me i love u next day i hate you, i really dont know what i can do, i am doing all my best for them but she is the only one who doesn’t appreciate at all my sacrifice, while she keeps bulling her father and acting like she is his girlfriend not his daughter i am really suffering coz my husband is not helping me at all, but while she bully him, he bully me back, and i cant control myself i start shouting on him, and then he start to shout more and more until he goes out from room and sleep in her room with her in her bed. Before marriage while we were only in relation ship, he was promising me that he is gonna be the most romantic guy ever, he is gonna make love with me every night and a lot of other promises, but when i came here the promises fade (while i live in other country and he lives in other country coz we meet on-line in on line dating web page and after we were talking via skype or MSN), so during this period time i really fall in love with him, and i sacrifice everything for him, i left my family there, my university while i’m going to finish master degree in penal law, so i skip my exams for him i left my work there as a participant in the office of law with one word i left everything for him, and what i receive very little, when we are alone he is terrific caring supportive, lovely but not romantic as he promised to be, but when kids are around especially his daughter he change 99 degree. I swear to God i am living in hell i dont know what to do, if i tell my family in what i am passing through my mom will have heart attack, so i really need advice from you coz i can not continue like this anymore, i love my husband to death i love him soo much but i dont receive as i expect to receive. What should i do pleas i need help 🙁

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[April Mașini, your AskApril]

The problem is not your stepdaughter as much as it is your husband. Thirteen year old girls can be difficult. They’re hormonal. They’re having sexual feelings, but no where to practice them. By nature they’re tough — and as stepdaughters — even tougher. Clearly, your stepdaughter feels that you’re taking her father away from her and sees you as a threat, so she’s acting out. I know it sounds like an impossible task, but cut your stepdaughter some slack and see her as a child — not a competitor.

However, you need to talk to your husband and explain to him that his leaving your bedroom and sleeping in his daughter’s bed with her instead, is incredibly damaging to her. It’s giving her the message that she IS your competitor (she’s not), and that she has the power to pull her father away from a woman. This is way too much power to be giving a child, and it sends her the message that she can practice this behavior on other men who are married. If he continues this way, he’s going to be teaching his daughter how to go after married men — and I don’t think that’s what he realizes he’s doing. 😕 In addition to which, it’s incredibly inappropriate for him to be sleeping in her bed. In fact, he could probably lose custody of her if this behavior is brought to the attention of a court.

In addition, your husband has to draw the line with his kids and make you his priority. This is very difficult to do, and blended families are very tough — but he has to do this for the children’s well being as well as his marriage with you. Children want boundaries. But they don’t know how to ask for them because they’re just kids.

Talk to your husband about this. If he can’t set the tone for the children to follow, and be the one who disciplines them, the marriage will fail. 😳

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