[gsmith82]

So in a nutshell I have known the guy I am dating for almost two years. We have been dating for almost a year, some of its been long distance . He does come with baggage, divorced and with the same woman since he was 19 so roughly 10 years of his life. They were separated for two years and divorced as of a few months ago. It was amicable for both parties and he asked for it. Now on to us, things have been great, he’s met my friends and vice versa. we have gone on vacation together and I recently met his parents. We never had the talk about our status and I guess I let his actions make me think we were in a committed relationship. We spent all weekends together and talked/texted all the time. I noticed he was being a little distant and I chalked it up to pressure with work and a new promotion but of course it made me think about our status so I asked. He said he loves being with me and that he thinks I am amazing and doesn’t want to stop seeing/spending time with me. And here is the but….he isn’t ready for us to share our lives together and be committed as he is still figuring things out since the divorce. He basically wants to date me but see how things progress before committing. He is so concerned with hurting me he doesn’t want to rush. I asked how much time he needed and he said he didn’t know and felt a little overwhelmed as he didn’t expect us to happen and go so well. My question is should I try and wait it out? I really care about him and want to date him but feel I can’t continue an intimate relationship with him if he may be dating other women. He said he isn’t seeing anyone else or sleeping with anyone else and that he would always be honest with me. I am just confused and really don’t know what to do at this point and if its salvageable. We have family gathering (his family) in a few weeks and I am honestly surprised he wants me there if he isn’t ready. Its a whole weekend with his extended family and I just feel thats serious. I thought about just dating him but not really reaching out to him but letting him make the move and if I am available great but no longer making him a priority. I am just confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem is that for about a year, you’ve been dating a married man who [i]only just[/i] got divorced three months ago. Most men, upon divorcing, want to test the waters. Especially since you said he was with his now ex-wife for about a decade. That’s a long time to be with someone and to then become really independent and free. He’s also only 29, so he’s got a lot of life in front of him, and there’s a slim chance he’s going to want to jump into another marriage right away. He’s trying to keep you around, but hedge his bets at the same time by explaining that he isn’t ready for something serious. You have to do the math here because he’s not going to help you with it.

I’m not sure how old you are, but it seems that you want a serious relationship, a commitment and marriage from him. My advice is that you start playing the field. I have a feeling that’s what he wants to do for himself, but he’s using you as a safety net. If it’s too hard for you to do that while dating him, then you should move on. If you can’t do that, then give yourself a time limit (perhaps three months), during which time you figure out what you’re willing to invest in a relationship with him, and if at the end of three months you find you’re not compatible, then you move on.

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