[Anonymous]

I’m a little selfish but I really need to get this answer decided, I’ve already told my girlfriend that I will take her to Shanghai.
So this is my story. I am 20 years old, came to China when I was 17 after heartbroken from my first relationship, I learned and practiced picking up girls for a few years, ended cheating on most of the girlfriends that I’ve been with in the past but I’ve grown and matured alot since then, currently 20 years old. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 1 year, at the beginning I cheated on her a few times but I decided to move with her from Shanghai to Chongqing, away from my parents, teaching english here.
I’ve gotten her parents to like me, currently already told her that I will take her back to shanghai after living with her for 8 months. In china the girls are really traditional so if I do make this decision I will be with her for the rest of my life, at least it’ll be really hard to divorce. Anyways I love her and like her alot but in the way that she is like my best friend and someone that I want to hold on to. I’ve had much better sex with other girls from the past and my expectations for the girl I would marry are much higher. (I have no problem getting girls)
She is also 4 years older than me, so being with her I’ve planned out that I would marry her when I am 24 and when she’s 28 years old, having children at 30.
Its just that its a bit overwhelming for a 20 year old to think and plan all of this out right now, I’ve taken responsibility for most things being able to support and provide for her. But the reason why I am going back to Shanghai is that I still need to go to college and increase my learning, my goals and plans for the future are to start my own company and many other things that would require alot of time and effort so I’m not sure if she would be a burden on my shoulders. I just don’t have a very strong sexual attraction to her, but she’s really great and beautiful but has little motivation and goals. I have learned how to live a single life but the reason why I’m undecided about whether to take her is simply this.

1. she’s older than me
2. she’s really beautiful but not completely my type so no extreme attraction for her
3. I’m afraid if I break up with her I’ll regret it for the rest of my life
4. She might be a burden to my studies and future plans
5. I’m mostly supporting her on my “foreigner’s salary”
6. She’s very clingy with no other hobbies except me, monitors all my emails, phones, friends, etc. so I’ve given up alot of my previous hobbies

I don’t get any money from my parents so if I have to pay for the tuition costs/ living costs for 2 people/ and spend time with her… Will I be able to manage?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s admirable that you have your life so planned out, but it sounds like you’re jumping the gun on this girlfriend. She doesn’t sound like she is the love of your life. You may have regrets if you go back to China and leave her here, [i]however[/i]…it sounds like if you do take her with you, you are going to commit to be with her for the next four years, at which time you’ll marry her and then be with her for the entire rest of your life! You’ve only known this woman for one year, and you’re only 20. It’s early to plan your entire life — just because you want things nailed down. Your well intentioned plans may end up being your downfall when it comes to your relationship. 😮

If you look at the difference in your own life between the time you were 17 and now, you will find big changes. Now consider how you may (and probably will) change in the next 4 years between this year when you are considering taking your girlfriend with you back to China for a big commitment in your relationship, and when you are 24, at which time you hope to marry her. I predict that you are going to go through so many changes with your cultural life, your education, your career, and your feelings about yourself and women in general, that the choice you make now for a bride, is going to be much different than the choice you may make four years from now after all the change you’re going to go through.

My advice is to go back to China to pursue your education, alone, and then, when you are ready to marry, consider the women in your life at that time. It’s too soon now to commit to a marriage plan with someone you’ve known for such a short time, so early in your life, when you aren’t one hundred percent sure abouther. Make your life plans, but leave yourself lots of wiggle room over the next 4 years for finding Ms. Right.

I hope that helps — good luck! 🙂

[Member]

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