[Anonymous]

Hi,
I have been unofficially dating this boy for almost a year until recently when he finally got the courage to ask me out. We don’t see each other every day since he usually lives out West and I’ve been living in the East. But next year I will be moving out West as well because of school. Despite our distance we skype constantly, and Do find ways to see each other (Him coming home to the East and my going out West for competitions.) He is three years older than me (I am 18). He is very sweet, artistic, smart and shy; and one 1 occasion recently he said he loved me which I knew meant a lot! I am madly in love with this boy and I need help because I have a funny past and I know he likes the good girl image I have grown into since I’ve met him. ANYWAY on to the real question:(sorry for the boring details but maybe it will help answer this!)

*Before I met him* I had this crazy/druggie boyfriend who still calls me to this day and tries to hook up with me, I can’t [i]not[/i] talk to him since hes tried to commit suicide twice, and was pronounced dead one of these times. He is obviously not scared of death and is extremely Bi-Polar. He is the same age as my bf and is a total screw up. I was romantically involved with him when I was 16 and 17, and through this, he turned me on to many drugs(and a few hard ones that I got addicted to with him). Since I meet my dream guy, I haven’t gone near any drug( i occasionally smoke) and I haven’t been happier. Those two years along with my sexually abusive and traumatic experiences back when I was 7 have been locked into my personal safe box, to never be let open, until my ex calls me and asks when I’m coming home. He claims hes happy that I found someone wonderful; But I can hear in his tone that he starts getting all shaky and uneasy.(Usually during every conversation we have, he tells me he keeps dreaming and thinking about me constantly and cant get me off his mind which really creeps me out.) My traumatic experiences have not left me with any emotional damage except for insecurity issues that my boyfriend magically gets rid of with his presence! I NEVER want to get back together with my ex and want to eventually(If possible/I know it sounds cheesy) marry this new boy of my dreams! Should I tell him about the skeletons in my closet? Or keep things as if it were water under the bridge? I WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING, I love him so much!
Thank you, thank you!!
Jade

[Anonymous]

[color=#BF00FF]i think you should tell him. If you don’t, he may feel like you lied to him, or that you are keeping more secrets. Hope this works out! 🙂 [/color]

[Megz327]

Yeah I also say to tell him.
Everyone has a past and a person past made them into who they are today so if he loves you he will accept your past and not be bothered by it. If you want to someday marry this boy then he needs to love you for everything you were and everything you are and if you never share this info and down the line he finds out, he may be hurt that you felt you had to hide a piece of yourself from him.

[Ask April Masini]

There are two points I want to get across to you.

First of all, since you have a personal history that includes your own drug addiction and sexual abuse, you have to make sure that you are healed and healing and on a healthy trajectory. Part of healing from addiction and sexual abuse is honesty. Secrecy is what keeps you locked into your past. When you can be honest about what you’ve been through, what you’ve done, what triggers you, what you want, and how you’re healing — you’re going to be in a very, very good place to be in a successful relationship. So keep your eye on the ball: Honesty promotes intimacy which is a glue in relationships.

Second of all this ex-boyfriend is someone you need to get rid of altogether. He was part of your drug addiction and he is seriously sick. You cannot help him. You don’t have the skills or capabilities. If you stay with him, even as a friend, because you think not staying with him will trigger his suicide, then you are a part of a big problem that no new boyfriend deserves. Nor do you! You have to let go of this baggage. Just stop engaging with him. If you think he’s going to commit suicide, call the police and allow them to get him help that you can’t. As long as you have him in your life, you’re going to be bringing bad baggage to any new relationship and risking happiness that you deserve. Separate from him once and for all.

So do those two things: Practice honesty, and release anyone in your life who isn’t healthy.

That said, it is important that you tell your potential boyfriend about your past so he can decide whether or not to stay with you. Both of you deserve to know the truth about each other, and while I suspect you’re scared of his leaving because of your problematic history, he may not leave, and if he doesn’t, he’s truly yours.

So be brave, practice honesty and healthy living and go forward towards healthy, happy relationships.

I hope this helps. 😀

[Author]

Posts