[confusedsemester]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we are very very close. We are best friends, talk about everything together, have discussed thefuture and marriage, and are very eager to pursue all of that. We are also in a long distance relationship and seeing each other is very limited to a couple hours every few months, but we do text everyday and call/skype whenever we can. But in the past couple months I have started to feel as though we lost our spark that we used to have.. Seeing his name on my phone doesn’t give me a rush of excitement anymore and our conversations feel as though it’s just small talk. Because of this, last night we came to a mutual breakup.

He says he loves me immensely and although he knows it’s hard not being together, he doesn’t feel it to the extent that i do. He says he respects my choice to decide and will be waiting for me until i fully decide what to do. I haven’t stopped crying and miss him immensely.. but at the same time I don’t want to get back together if this would be how I’d feel throughout the rest of our relationship and lives.. He’s absolutely perfect though and checks every single box but I don’t feel the excitement anymore.. it feels as though I’m “settling” in a sense (according to the relationship articles i’ve been reading for hours). I’ve almost called him multiple times to tell him I want to be with him and we’ve been texting a little bit since. Is this just a low point in our relationship? We’ve always worked through any and all arguments and this semester has been hard on both of us. Are we starting to fizzle out? Is it just distance?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Fill me in a little more.

How old are you both? During the year you’ve been dating, how much of it has been long distance? Have you ever had a date in real life?

Also, why was the relationship long distance, and was there ever a plan to make it local?

Let me know the answers to these questions, and I’ll give you my advice. 😀

[confusedsemester]

Hi!
So there’s a 1.5 year age gap between us. I’m 19 and he’s 21. And I completely understand and respect the “we’re both young in life so explore” argument, however we’re both truly committed, and I don’t want to lose him by using that sole excuse when he truly has the potential to be the one. He honestly checks most every box for me except for the feelings that people say you should have when you’re “in love” – i.e. getting excited when I see his name on my phone etc.

We used to go to the same high school together (he was dating another girl at this time) and he broke up with her in the summer because they had a very toxic relationship. They remained fwb for a couple weeks before they both left for college because during their time together they had invested so much time and codependency in the other that they found themselves alone and weren’t sure what to do. Anyways, she and i had mutual friends so she invited me to her house with them in early August. At this point they had already broken up (2014) and I had already talked, knew, and liked both of them from a while ago. We were all just a giant bunch of mutual friends. So later that night I happened to add him as a Snapchat friend (yes yes bare with me please) and we started to talk and text. We found that we liked a bunch of the same things but we still were different enough to enlighten each other about different topics. Somehow we became friends and started texting every single day. Not until probably early/mid-October (we started dating late October) did I ever think of him as being more so or sense any interest from him in that way. Yet during this time we would stay up until past 3 am talking and laughing and sharing jokes (via distance). I was still in my hometown and he was in college 3 hours away. Rewind back to late August, his ex had started to get hopes that maybe they could get back together (which he didn’t know about) so when she heard that he had started talking to me daily, she created a very large fiasco. (It’s fair to note that I, being a slightly jealous person, have had many troubles in our relationship accepting his past history of relationships (2 people) and that has been a major issue for us that we try to work through.). Eventually he asked me out (unfortunately via phone although he apologized profusely for doing such). We got to see each other numerous times during Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, Spring break, and especially during the summer when he came back to town and went on a very large amount of dates. But now I am in college (2015) and it is 2 hours away from him. I don’t have the capability to visit him and he has been able to visit only once this semester but we have continued our daily communications.

We knew this would be a long distance relationship before we came into it, and now it’s sunk in. He recently was lucky and talented enough to get an internship and post-college work position at Boeing in Seattle where he’ll be spending the summer and college after. I’ll still be at college but some of my graduate colleges I’ve been looking at are very very close by there, and he also looked into different positions that would allow him to move to be in the same city that i will be.
I know age might be a factor, but to help clarify we’re both the type of people who are okay with marrying young and are sincere to each other etc. That isn’t a problem in the least. In one of his messages today he said that he hopes I end up happy, regardless of if i end up with him or not, and if i decide it is him he said it doesn’t care if it takes me weeks or months to decide (Obviously i don’t want to go to that length of time without knowing haha).

My biggest concern right now are just my emotions. I’ve spent hours trying to get help online and all places say if you have to question whether you love someone then that’s not love. But I care for him so extremely much that it must be love.. right? A very large problem in our relationship is me accepting his past relationships and promiscuity with them (he has been much more than me) and I’m worried that that unconsciously lead to these feelings. He’s willing to talk through anything, and this topic has come up often unfortunately on my behalf. The last time we were together I unconsciously got mentally upset because I pictured him telling them the same things he had been telling me at the time. I don’t know if that’s the reason lately I’ve felt less of a spark between us or not, or maybe it’s just natural to just have the feeling of being “safe and complacent” with the other. I’ve cried and been so terribly upset thinking about everything we’ve gone through and how i don’t want to lose that.. But I also don’t want to play with his emotions since he seems to truly and unequivocally love me..

I know it’s hard to offer advice without actually seeing/being with/ understanding my emotions, but please please let me know what you think! I really really don’t want to lose him but I want to be happy too.. Is this a normal feeling of happiness after dating someone this long? Thank you so so much!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re compatible. You can love him with all your heart, and he can love you back just as much — but this might not be the right person for you to be with. It doesn’t mean you don’t have love between you. It just means that you’re not compatible.

The problem here is the distance. It’s very difficult to have a long distance relationship under normal circumstances, but when you’ve got distance that prevents regular dating, and you’re each living on a college campus where there are more single, available people together in one place, than you’ll ever have again, maintaining monogamy and interest is tough. This is without even touching on your jealousy issues.

That’s why I don’t think this is a good time to get back together. It’s not that you don’t love each other — it’s that the circumstances aren’t in your favor. I think you should focus on where you are and who’s around you now — and by around you, I mean who’s around you that you can date on a regular basis, not just on holidays when you’re both in town together. 😉

[confusedsemester]

Thank you so so much for your help!

I think i’m going to give us another chance though and hopefully work through it.. that being said do you have any tips/helpful insight into getting over his past? It’s bad in the sense that anything even remotely physical that comes up on TV, talk, or even between us makes me think and picture them.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I understand about your wanting to give it another try. Everybody has their timeline, and it’s good to get advice and then make your own decisions. As far as helping you get over his past, I’m assuming you mean the fact that he had 2 girlfriends prior to dating you, and you feel jealous that he had relationships with women he cared about because you want him to only have ever cared about you. Let me know if I got that right….

If that’s the case, you’re not alone. I get questions like this from women, but I also get questions on this forum from men who are in love with women who are not virgins, and they can’t get past the idea that a woman they love was with another man, sexually — even though there was never any infidelity. They want virgins. And in a sense, that’s what you want, too. You want him to have only been with you, had feelings for you, and feel connected to you. I get it…. but maybe reading this, you’ll see that it’s not very realistic. Most men and women have some sort of dating past. For most of us, that’s a good thing because they’ve had opportunities to date and have gained perspective that they bring to the relationship they now have with you. They’ve also sowed their wild oats, and may not feel the need to experiment the way someone who hasn’t, might, after some time in a monogamous relationship. Experience is a good thing because it usually implies wisdom from lessons learned.

There’s always an awkward feeling with a guy when you meet his ex — even after if you’re married to him, in many cases. But most people find a way to get past it because not getting past it is harder than accepting all of our imperfect pasts. I’m also guessing that this has a lot to do with his having a dating past and you not so much. Very few of us marry our high school or college sweethearts, and there is a good chance you will some day have a past that some guy will be uncomfortable with, no matter how pure it may seem to you, so try and empathize, grasp a perspective, and understand that the jealousy you feel may drive the two of you apart if you don’t find a way to get past it.

That said, if you’re really not okay with a guy who’s dated or loved other women, you should be upfront about that, and only look to date men who have never done so. You do have a choice in this…. let me know if you have any specific questions. I’m happy to answer them for you.

[confusedsemester]

Yes that’s exactly what I meant. Thank you so much this is really helping a lot! 🙂

That being said, if I wanted to try harder to make this work, do you know of any techniques to help get over this jealous aspect?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Getting over jealousy has more to do with your feelings about your own life than about his with anyone else. If you’re secure in yourself, and know that you’re fine with him, and you’re fine without him, too, you won’t feel threatened by his relationships with ex-girlfriends, friends who are women, or even his mother — which, believe it or not, is the crux of most mother-in-law problems in marriages. I think you probably don’t feel secure in this relationship stage, and the way to cure that is not with him, but with your own private life. Get out there and meet other guys, be good at a job, socialize with neighbors, friends and colleagues. Have a full and enriched life so that you’re very secure in your own life, and any boyfriend is icing on the cake, not someone you’re feeling needy or desperate about, because those are attributes that foster jealousy.

Hope that helps!

[confusedsemester]

I actually hadn’t heard about that perspective before. I’ll be doing quite a bit of introspection now to try to work on it. Thank you so so much!!

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. I hope you’ll come to me if you have any other questions.

[Natalie Noah]

Your connection is strong, you’re best friends, communicate constantly, and have serious intentions for the future. That level of closeness is rare, and it’s understandable that you’re struggling with the feelings of excitement fading. What you’re describing isn’t necessarily a lack of love; it’s often a natural shift in emotions that happens when you feel comfortable and secure with someone, especially in a long-distance situation where your interactions are limited and routine. The “spark” can feel like it’s gone, but that doesn’t automatically mean the love isn’t real, it just might be evolving into a deeper, steadier form.

The main challenge in your case seems to be the combination of long distance, limited physical interaction, and your own struggles with jealousy regarding his past relationships. Long-distance relationships are uniquely tough because the everyday affirmations of love shared activities, little gestures, physical presence are missing. It’s natural for feelings of excitement to ebb when the relationship is mostly digital. On top of that, your thoughts about his past are fueling insecurity, which makes it harder to enjoy the present and appreciate the love you do have. Jealousy in this situation isn’t a reflection of his worth or your love; it’s a signal that your mind is focusing on “what could be” rather than “what is.”

I think April’s advice about shifting the focus inward is really important. Jealousy often comes from a place of feeling incomplete or dependent on someone else for your happiness. By building your own life, pursuing your passions, and feeling secure in your independence, you naturally reduce the emotional weight that jealousy carries. This doesn’t mean you love him any less; it just means your happiness and confidence are not tied solely to his actions or past. This is especially critical in long-distance relationships, where external factors (like distance and past histories) can easily feed insecurities.

It’s important to give yourself permission to feel conflicted without overanalyzing every emotion. Love isn’t just the rush of excitement it’s also the calm, steady presence, the trust, and the willingness to weather challenges together. Working through jealousy, accepting the limitations of distance, and focusing on your own growth will help you reconnect with the genuine affection you feel and allow the relationship to deepen naturally. It’s a process, and it requires patience and self-compassion both for yourself and for

[Karyll Jane]

Just because you love each other doesn’t mean you’re compatible. In a relationship, love isn’t enough to make it work. Long-distance relationships are really difficult, just imagine how many people you’ll meet both inside and outside your campus. There are a lot of temptations, especially since you’re not physically together. Also, not many relationships actually last in that kind of setup nowadays.

Maybe it’s better not to get back together with him for now not because you don’t love him, but so you can take more time to really think about what you truly want.

[Kristel]

You love him—that’s clear. It’s just that you’ve gotten used to him not being physically present, and that’s why the spark feels like it’s gone. That’s the hard part about long-distance relationships.

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