[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, its been a very up & down relationship, but i know that i love him and that i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
We often talk about our future, marriage, children etc, and we both want the same things.
I thought everything was brilliant, but my partner has suddenly claimed that he feels really lonely and doesn’t beleive im committed to him. I keep telling him i am, but he says he cannot help how he feels and he doesn’t feel like he’s a proper part of my life.

I hate knowing he feels this way, please tell me how i can show and prove to him that i am committed?

[Anonymous]

Hi Showing I am committed,
Well, you say your relationship has been from the begining up and down. All relationships have ups and downs but I guess it would depend on how bad and what those up and downs were or are. Can you think of those things, and maybe reflect and write about that? It would help in giving advice.
From what you have said so far he said he feels he is not a “Proper” part of your life, not sure what he actually means by that, but he is trying to say in a indirect way that he is not happy or comfortable with something. What it is we don’t know. But the fact that he is backing off a little and you seem to think things are ok, there is not a meeting of the minds here. Do you think if we cut through the red tape he is trying to brake up with you I hate to say this as it may hurt, I know that hurts to think of, but maybe try asking him one time just one time if he can tell you what is bothering him exactly . If he still can not give you a clear answer I would back off like April says men like to do the chasing. I hope this is helpful, I am only here to try to help as others have helped me.
Sep2111

[AskApril Masini]

Some of the ways that a person shows commitment are introducing their boyfriend to their family and friends. Another way is be supportive of his social life or club and hobby commitments. For instance, if his friends get together with their girlfriends and/or wives or just as a group, your going with even if it’s not your favorite thing to do, will show a commitment. And vice verse — if you bring him along to your regular social events that shows you want him in that part of your life. Spending holidays together shows commitment, as do being there for each other for regular dates and phone calls. Some people in a relationship are more needy of communication during the day than others, so meeting his needs there would show a commitment. If he’s sick and you help out by either sitting with him, bringing him soup and aspirin or taking him to the doctor, that shows a commitment. Helping out if he’s swamped by taking on some of his chores, like getting the tires realigned on his car if he’s crazed at work and can’t make it, or picking up milk for his apartment because he didn’t get a chance, or dropping off his dry cleaning for him, all show commitment.

Then, of course there are more basic levels of commitment which are affection, kindness and interest in his life. And the little extras — like love notes, little gifts, making his birthday special — these are all ways to show someone in your life you’re committed to making sure they have your best self and attention.

If you’re doing all that, and he’s still saying he doesn’t see the commitment, he may be conjuring up an excuse to end the relationship. The only reason I mention this is that you said the relationship has been up and down for two years, so if you’re focused on the ups, and he’s focused on the downs, he may not be interested in moving forward and wants out. But that’s just a head’s up in case all of the above are already crossed off your list.

[Serena Vale]

Sometimes when someone says they feel “lonely” or “not part of your life,” it’s not about proof, it’s about reassurance. He may need to feel chosen, not just hear it.

You show commitment by letting him into your real life: your friends, family, routines, plans. By showing up consistently. By being affectionate, thoughtful, and present, not perfectly, just honestly.

But here’s the hard truth: you can do all the right things and still not be able to fix how someone feels. If you’re already showing up, loving him, including him, and he still doesn’t believe it, that may be about his own insecurity, not your lack of commitment.

Talk to him calmly. Ask what specifically makes him feel left out. Try to meet him halfway. But don’t turn yourself inside out trying to prove love. Love isn’t a courtroom.

If he wants to be with you, reassurance will help.
If he wants out, no amount of proving will change that.

Pay attention to how much you’re giving, and whether it’s being received.

[Member]

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