[Anonymous]

Dear April,
I have been talking to this guy long distance for 5 months at least 3X per week and we have grown very close. About 1 month in talking to him, I told him about my kids. He was disappointed that I didn’t tell him sooner, but he never asked. He said he still wanted to meet me, so we met that weekend and sparks were flying to the point where I questioned whether he was the “one.” He is successful and busy with work and I am finishing college. He told me that having kids wasn’t a big issue because “that comes with the territory.” I am a songwriter and he had been begging me to sing him a song, so I finally did over the phone and the song was about my daughter, thinking into the future when she starts school and when she sees other daddys and starts to wonder about hers and what do I tell her…It was a personal song I wrote and I shared it with him because he said how he wanted me to let him know the real me, so I did and it backfired! He was real quiet after I sang and after that night, I didn’t hear from him for 2 wks. I sent him an e-mail asking why did he just stop calling. He called me 2 days later and I returned his call the next night. He told me “You have everything, every quality I am looking for in my future wife. I have been dealing with this internal struggle because when you sang me that song, the reality of you having 2 kids really hit me and I can’t get past it. It’s just an ideal thing for me and I would have never considered dating a girl with kids until I met you, but I keep struggling with it. Maybe if you were closer it could work, but you are long distance and busy.” Then he started going on about how he is so attracted to me to the point that it is scary and started saying all the qualities I had. Was he just trying to fill me with fluff so he wouldn’t feel bad about his honest comment? At that point I was tearing up and it hurt to think that I’m not good enough for someone because I have kids so I told him I had to go and quickly hung up. He knew previously that my ex told me that no guy is ever going to want me with kids, so that was a touchy subject. He texted me and said that he really cares and he’s sorry and I can call him anytime. I texted 2 hrs. later that I’m okay and I respected his blunt honesty, but it hurt to know that I am not good enough because I face my responsibilities and I could have taken the easy way out, but I didn’t. Then I said I don’t think I need to keep getting this thrown in my face because I’m making something good out a bad thing. He knows the dad doesn’t see his kids or pay child support.Then I said I thought you were different from the shallow minded people and I thought you saw see me for who I really am but I guess I was wrong. He told me that he really does care about me and respects the decisions I made. Now my question for you…what do I do? I really don’t want to give up but I can’t change his mind as bad as I want to. I thought we had something more going. Is there anything I can do or should I just accept the fact he doesn’t want me because I have kids? I desperately need your advice. Thanks!!! 🙁
Sincerely,
Doubtful & Confused Mom

[Badfinger]

I would take him at his word, and next time let a guy know that up front.
All is not lost, there are men that won’t mind an instant family, gets to skip the diapers and waking up at all hours phase: priceless!
It might take a guy who has children with someone else, himself.
Chin up, smile, relax. 😀

[Ask April Masini]

This guy did you a huge favor — now take the gift. When a man is honest with you that there is something about you that is a deal breaker, be grateful you’re not hearing it six months or twelve months or twenty-four months into a relationship. Lots of men have relationship deal breakers and those deal breakers can be dating a woman who has children, or women of a certain religion, or they want a woman who works and has an income, or one who doesn’t, etc. Don’t judge him for knowing himself. Instead, be accepting and understanding that the last thing you want, as a single mother, is a guy who’s not going to be there with both feet in. Now you know he’s not Mr. Right, don’t try to make him be something he’s no.

The reality is that everyone has “baggage” and you have to find someone with matching luggage. Don’t hide the fact that you have children next time you date — get it out upfront so you don’t find yourself in this position again.

My advice is to look for a single father to date. You’ll have a common language because you’re both single parents, and you’ll have a better understanding of what you may or may not be getting into if you end up getting married.

I hope this helps — let me know how it goes. And join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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