[Jacksover9s]

Hi,

So I met this woman about 6 weeks ago and we’ve become really good friends over this time – really good friends. We text each other all day, every day. It’s like I’ve known her all my life. But there’s a flirty, sexual way between us. It’s definitely not a buddy thing. We’re constantly talking about sex and joking about things like people interested in each other do. She confides in me about her personal things – and not a friendly way. For example, she told me what her secret sexual fantasy is about and that she had never told anyone about that, even her ex husband. Now I’m not the brightest person in the world when it comes to women, but these are all obvious signs to me. Aren’t they?

Here’s the complicated part. When I met her, she was going through a fast-track divorce from her husband of 14 years.She recently divorced (about a month ago it was final). She told from the beginning that she wasn’t looking for anything but fun, and felt that I am looking for something serious. So I kept this crush but signs were pushing me towards her. She let me know she was just cruising the scene and dating around but didn’t want anything emotional, so I was cool with that.

About 2 weeks ago, we ended up making out in her bed for 6 hours. Her shirt came off, my pants did – we did everything up to sex. As I left, we even had a long kiss goodbye at her front door. A couple days passed and she told me she gave it some thought and felt we would be better as friends and doesn’t want to go there with me. So I said, she had to stop flirting with me, stop leading me on and we agreed to that.

2 days later, we’re back at it again. Sex talk, flirting, etc. We go out Friday night and we end up cuddling in my house for 3 hours. I felt it, so I tried to kiss her and she said no because it would lead to sex. Frustrated, I dropped it.

Saturday night, she had a date. No big deal to me, she’s not my girlfriend. I admit, I felt a little jealous, but I understand. When I hear from her Sunday, I finally asked her – we’re perfect together, yada yada. Why don’t you see that?

Her answer, “I’m still learning….And growing…And changing my mind….And exploring….”

When i asked her why she’s so against being with me, she said ” I’m not physically attracted to you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have crossed that line…..It was my mistake. I take full responsibility”

I feel like she’s protecting herself. She’s told me that she’s thought about dating me. Tell me, am i crazy or is she just scared?

Thanks,

G

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think this is about her — it’s about you. 😉 She told you she’s not sexually attracted to you and she’s newly divorced so she wants to test the waters with other guys, and just have fun, not a serious relationship. She’s being pretty clear.

You, however, say you want a serious relationship, but you’re texting and fooling around with a woman who is clear she’s not going to give you that. You’re asking me if she’s scared, but the real question is, are [i]you[/i] scared of a serious relationship? Because if you’re not, you should focus on what you want. If you are, then you’ll look for women who won’t go there — so that you don’t have to.

My advice is to focus on what you want and go for it. 😉

(If you do write me again, let me know how old you both are, and how you met her.)

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[Jacksover9s]

Thanks April. We’re both in our 30’s and actually met through our kids – they’re on a soccer team together.

So you’re saying I’m imagining these signs?

[AskApril Masini]

Okay, got it — thanks!

I’m not sure what signs you’re talking about…. fill me in! 🙂

[Jacksover9s]

Well, I guess the most obvious one to me was asking me what it would be like to date me?

[AskApril Masini]

Got it — thanks. The signs you’re referring to, her asking you what it would be like to date you, and flirting with you, [i]were[/i] signs that she was interested. Past tense. Now, it sounds like she’s lost interest since that time and moved on. 😳

It’s really important to understand how dating works. I know you’ve been successful at it in the past, but you’re now back on the dating scene, and it sounds like you could use a refresher course. 😉 Here’s a crash set of rules that will help you:

1. Men and women can’t be friends. The reason is that one person always wants more than the other, and when there’s sex involved (even if it’s the fantasy of sex), this isn’t friendship. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that getting to know a woman means your her friend.

2. If you’re interested in dating a woman, then ask her out on a date. Don’t lose that opportunity because it will go away, eventually. I’m not sure that the two of you ever did date, from what you’ve written. Now that moment has come and gone.

3. Stay focused on what you want, and if someone is not that, move on and don’t waste time, energy and money. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[Jacksover9s]

Yes but April, she asked me what it would be like to date me FRIDAY NIGHT. This is why I’m confused. It wasn’t in the past. The flirting has never stopped. She says one thing, then does another. It’s like she means it, and then when i take it seriously, then its we should only be friends.

Look, I know you say I should decide if I want to be serious or not, but I do , with her.

So we’re laying on the couch after going out on a friend date Friday night, and talking and she says what it would be like to date me. On Sunday, when I tell her how I feel, then she throws the whole i don’t want to date you thing at me. I think she doesn’t want the pressure it creates. And maybe I pushed too hard? But this is an on-going cycle with her. I know she’s confused, but people don’t ask that unless they want to date you right?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]So we’re laying on the couch after going out on a friend date Friday night, and talking and she says what it would be like to date me. [/quote]

Okay…. it wasn’t clear in your prior posts that she asked you five days ago what it would be like to date you. However….. my advice still stands. What you DO know about her is….. [quote]The flirting has never stopped. She says one thing, then does another. It’s like she means it, and then when i take it seriously, then its we should only be friends.[/quote]. So, why continue to date someone who flip flops, when you said that she told you [quote]…from the beginning [that] she wasn’t looking for anything but fun, and felt that I am looking for something serious. [/quote], and you haven’t written anything to the contrary, leaving me to believe that you [i]do[/i] want something serious. If that’s true, why continue dating someone who doesn’t want something serious? If it’s just to fool around, you’ve got that, already. If it’s to have some companionship, you’ve got that already, too. 😉

I’m not sure what a [b]“friend date”[/b] is. In fact, it sounds like an oxymoron since friends don’t date. 😕 So it’s up to YOU to decide if you want to continue seeing her or not, given what you know. 😉 If someone in your life is saying one thing and doing another, you have choices — you can incorporate them into your life without expecting them to change, or you can let them go and move on.

Hope that helps.

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[Jacksover9s]

Thanks April, it does help alot. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t completely off my rocker on this one, and I don’t think I am. I’ll keep you updated but I really appreciate your insight.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

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[Jacksover9s]

So we decided to take a break from each other on Monday. I said have a nice day, she texted back “you too!!” I sent her a long text explaining how I just wanted to get things back to normal and just kind of let things settle down a little bit. I haven’t heard back from her at all.

How long do i wait until I contact her again? And what should I say, just “How are you?”

[AskApril Masini]

Give it a year before you contact her again, and depending on what happens for you between now and then, if you do contact her, ask her out on a date for dinner. 😉

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