[Simena]

I am the type of girl, who doesn’t like to be VERY close friends with guys. Naturally, I do have male friends, but we are not super close and I would never consider any of them my best friend. Part of the reason behind this, is that ever since I was little, I have always wanted to grow up and marry my best friend – someone who I can speak to openly, yet also have an attraction to. I don’t want to walk around and call so many guys my best friend, because I feel it will devalue my dreams. However, my family friend and I have been really close for about 5 years now and he is comfortable in calling me his best friend, but he has only started doing this since he heard of my dream since a young girl. I am so confused. We both acknowledge that there is very strong sexual tension between us, to the point where all our friends notice it too. Numerous times, he has invited me as his guest to parties (and I have also done the same) where people who don’t know us, assume that we’re dating. At parties, he is very protective of me, and doesn’t allow me to speak to his guy friends alone for long. It is also quite clear that he doesn’t want me to become intimate with anyone. However, a while back, at one particular party, he kissed a girl infront of me. I admit, I was jealous, but the thing that caught me off-guard, is that he had his eyes open and was watching me! From many indirect sources, I have heard that he likes me. Recently, my family friend and I have been getting closer and closer. Each time he tries to kiss me, I turn away. Partly because I don’t want to ruin a friendship but also because I don’t know what I mean to him. He knows that I’m a virgin, and is keen for us to get together. I don’t want to be his “fuck buddy” as I feel it would ruin our friendship afterwards. I do have feelings for him, but I only want to act on them, unless I know that he has feelings for me as well! But seeing as he is quite a womanizer, I constantly find myself wondering – am I just another girl on his list? Does he purely want me, just so that he can say he took my virginity? Or are there feeling there? PLEASE HELP!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[Nate_OK]

I think you can manage your relationship so that it doesn’t get to a fuck buddy situation.
It seems to me he has shown a lot of interest, he seems really keen and emotionally involved with you. And so do you.
Virginity can be an issue, so I suggest that you start dating but make him wait a bit before having sex. During this period, you will see if he can’t wait and respect you or if he is just looking for some fuck buddies.
I think it seems there is too much connection not to try to start something with him. Getting back to only a friendship will also be a bit ridiculous, I couldn’t be friend with someone I really want to be with. This is just not friendship.

[Simena]

We’re both 18 but have known each other for years…

[Simena]

Thanks so much for your advice, Nate_OK. I completely agree with everything you said. I think it would be virtually impossibly for me to become friends with him afterwards, and I think thats also something that scares me. 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for letting me know your ages. 🙂 It sounds like he does like you a lot. However, he’s an 18 year old man, and 18 year old men are very interested in sex — and they’re not usually ready for marriage. In the meantime, you’re trying to find someone to marry who is your best friend, and at the same time, you don’t want to ruin your friendship with this guy — who clearly has more than friendly feelings for you (as you do him). So, basically, you’re trying to control a situation that is impossible to control.

Love doesn’t come with an insurance policy, and part of finding Mr. Right, is risking hurt. But we all do it because the payoff is so great. 😉 People do have success — and often. But not usually without some trial and error.

Along the way, I always counsel people never to be friends with people of the opposite sex because one person always feels differently, and more, at different times in the relationship. (For instance, you felt jealous when he kissed another girl — this is not a feeling of friendship. It’s a feeling derived of romance.) When this happens — the friendship no longer exists. It’s become something else — and it’s confusing. Thats where you are now. You and this guy are no longer friends. You’re a man and a woman who have romantic and sexual feelings for each other (you won’t find this in the definition of friendship anywhere), but you’re not accepting that the relationship has changed. Time to do so! 🙂

Now, as to your question about your virginity and his intentions — you’ve known him for years, and it really doesn’t sound like he is interested in a friend with benefits situation, however, he is 18 years old, and as I said, most 18 year old guys are interested in sex (which is why he kissed another girl, even though you were there and he could have put your feelings about that kiss first) and are not ready for marriage or long term relationships, so while this may be “it”, more likely, this is a wonderful love affair between two 18 year olds — or you can decide to wait until you’re older and meet someone who is ready to be married, and who can be “the best friend” you’ve always wanted to marry.

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[Simena]

Thanks so much for your reply April! 🙂
I completely understand about 18 year old guys being interested in sex. I do view sex as a very special aspect of a relationship, however, in my view I see it as an integral part of a healthy romantic relationship, and so I am not necessarily “saving” myself for marriage. I am not looking for marriage right now, I feel I’m way too young and I don’t think that far ahead! The reason why I find myself questioning what sort of relationship there is between us is that I clearly have feelings for him, but because I know so much about him already, I don’t want to be just another girl to him. If that’s the case, I would rather nothing romantic happen between us at all. Considering that he kissed my friend at that party I had initially mentioned, (although he did ask my permission beforehand) does this make a guy untrustworthy? Thanks in advance 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re looking for romantic insurance. 😕 And I understand that you don’t want to get hurt. It’s a great idea to be thoughtful and to date smart. But you’re not going to be able to protect yourself from everyone or everything when it comes to love. You asked me if this guy is trustworthy — or untrustworthy — because he asked your permission to kiss a girl, and you said yes, and then he kissed her in front of you. I’m not sure what it is you think you can’t trust him about because of this incident. Clearly, he’s interested in kissing and sex — and if you’re not going to be the one who he does it with, he’s going to do it with someone else. That’s what he made clear to you by being upfront with you that he wanted to kiss another girl, but wanted you to be in the loop on his “move”. In other words, he wanted your permission so you wouldn’t come back and tell him he cheated on you by kissing someone else. He’s torn between his feelings for you and his feelings of sexuality. You’re going to be taking a risk by getting more involved — but we all take risks when we get involved, including getting married, but we take them because we feel that they’re calculated and good risks.

My advice to you is to decide what you want to do, knowing that he cares about you, but that the two of you may or may not be Mr. and Ms. Right because you’re still getting to know each other and yourselves as individuals and as a couple. Dating is a process where you get to figure out if you want to continue investing in this other person. It’s not a guarantee. It seems like you know a lot about him and want to take the leap, but you’re uncertain about the future with him. I don’t think you can know more about the future without moving into it. 😉

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