[kitkat1951]

Hi April, just looking for some advice.
I have been having some minor conflicts with my SO of about a year who I live with. He is extremely sexually liberal. Doesn’t view sex as a big deal and thinks it can be a casual thing. I don’t necessarily disagree as I am fairly liberal as well, but not quite as much as he is. The issues are arising because the majority of his friends are women…extremely attractive ones at that. I’ve known this throughout our relationship, but he recently told me that he has slept with pretty much all of them. He says that they don’t and have never meant anything more to him than just friends, and he claims there is nothing romantic between them. He says I am the only woman who he has had feelings for in a long time and that I shouldn’t worry and to stop overreacting. Over the year or so of us dating, he has expressed to me that he doesn’t have much of an interest in continuing with the friendships, but ever since we had this conversation where I told him it made me uncomfortable, he seems to be bringing up getting together with these women. He actually invited one of them over to our apartment so I could meet her, but I got upset and asked him to cancel.
I’m an extremely guarded person and I have an extremely hard time letting my walls down. This conflict has pushed all my walls right back up. I’m also prone to anxiety and have some self esteem issues, which makes me often stress about things when I shouldn’t. Is this a valid issue? I’ve tried talking to him about it, but because of his views, he just doesn’t understand why I am upset.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re jealous of his relationships with his female friends, all of whom he’s slept with and keeps seeing because he says they don’t mean anything to him. Hmmm…. I think anyone would understand why you’re unsettled. Guys who keep their exes around and socialize with them, create a very rocky road for any future relationships. As you know, sex changes things and when couples have sex, they are not friends. It would be one thing if he had an ex who is now married and wants to double date with the two of you, but if all his friends are women and all his friends have had sex with him, and he wants to keep it that way in spite of your discomfort then I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself.

Instead of trying to change him, ask yourself what is important to you. If you want a committed, long-term relationship that leads to marriage and children, can you have that with someone who keeps his exes close? Most people can’t. This is really about you and what works for you. It feels like you’re trying to hold onto him and the relationship, but not wanting to truly face this incompatibility. Exes factor into compatibility — whether they’re ex spouses or ex lovers. Just like step-kids and in-laws, exes can make or break a relationship based on compatibility in the way the two of you handle exes. The other thing to consider is that he may just not be ready for a deep commitment with you and keeping these exes around makes him feel less committed to you than if he was ready for marriage and wanted to put you on a pedestal and make it clear to the world that you’re the most important woman in his life.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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