[lostlove25]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible as I’m sure you receive numerous messages a day. At this point I have no idea what to do and I’m usually a very levelheaded person with great advice since I have overcame my share of struggles throughout life, but love this deep is something I’ve never battled with.
I’m 26 and she is 24. I’m Navy veteran and I’m currently finishing my last semester for my bachelor’s degree. She graduated college last year. Thought maybe an age and slight background may help paint the picture.

So I don’t really know where to begin and I guess you could say I have given up all hope. Me and my ex broke up after dating for a little over a year and truly being in love and practically living together, after I got out of the Navy to move back home to be with her.

I will say that in this relationship we just absolutely clicked and I always knew what she was thinking or feeling without a word being spoken and she was the same with me. She was the first girl I have ever truly loved or even said “I love you” to. Things were absolutely magical until the end when it seemed as if she was getting scared about what we shared and I could feel her pulling away for no reason. I’m a very honest and highly trustworthy person who gave everything for her no matter what and always had her best interests and goals in mind when making decisions and she was the same until the last few months.

Almost as soon as we broke up she started dating another guy and it came just as our relationship was getting ready to take another step in the direction of seriousness. We communicated for a week after this and she said this guy was nothing and just a friend of a friend. We decided to cut off communication and I had blocked her phone number so that she could not text or call me because I was so empty, confused, and blaming myself for something I didn’t do. After a month I contacted her to see how she was doing and it seemed to me like she was counting down the days until she would speak with me again (I later found out she was and it was 27 days to be exact). One thing led to another and we began hanging out at her house after she got off work about 3 times a week with no mention of the new guy. This was the happiest I had seen her in months and I could genuinely feel the love connection that we both know is there. Even her friends had noticed a change in her once I came back into the picture and commented on how happy she had been lately, even though they didn’t know we had been speaking again. We ended up hooking up several times over the next few weeks and then I was informed this guy was still around (It made me feel like she was testing me and herself to see if she was ready to return). It had now been a few months since she had been seeing this guy and it instantly became clear to me that she was attempting to use him to get over me. I asked her to tell him what she had been doing and just be honest with him that her heart was still with me and that doing this behind his back was wrong. She never ended up doing this. (I now know that it is because he doesn’t care and she was trying to believe it was an actual relationship; read below for why)

I now know that this is what probably ruined any opportunity I had to get her back. It was almost instantly then, that a switch flipped and she was almost trying to prove to me that she wanted to be with this guy no matter what, yet continued to text, call, and hangout with me. Eventually he found out that she had slept with me and been seeing me multiple times a week, including calling me before/after she went to his house and yet didn’t even care. I pointed out to her that she is still trying to make something out of a relationship that has no emotional commitment, with him only using her as an easy hookup and her using him as a mental block to not think about what her heart truly wants. She tried to deny this and eventually finally admitted it. Then she started telling me how terrible he treats her and the things he says about her in front of his friends while she is in the room with all of them (which as she told me began crying in my arms). Yet she continued to put up with it, almost as if she didn’t care what she had to go through to pretend that she didn’t still love me. This guy then somehow got my phone number and called me while she was sitting next to him and began to belittle my entire life, my parents, calling me worthless to society (even after 4 years of military service), and then told me how rich and successful he was. I asked him if he thought it was disrespectful to treat her like that and he responded “no, it is absolutely hilarious”. I also asked what she was to him and he openly admitted in front of her and to me that she was nothing more than a cool girl that came over at night a few times a week to hookup and he could care less if she was still hanging out with me. He laughed when he found out that she had been telling everyone including her parents that he was her boyfriend. So at this point I feel like she basically had two boyfriends and I was the one with her heart so I dealt with her current family problems, helped her out with advice, cuddled, and was just the emotional half. (Sorry for rambling I thought I would help paint the picture of him and the treatment)

We ended up hanging out 3 days ago (again) and we had an extremely deep conversation and she admitted almost everything to me (as she cried her eyes out) including: how afraid she was at the thought of us moving in together because that is what comes next in a serious relationship, afraid of how much she loves me and that she truly felt what love was, afraid that she will disappoint me and ultimately let me down, and that she was so afraid I was the one she didn’t know what to do. I was extremely confused at this and it was almost like everything I had told her was right, but for some reason she still refuses to stop seeing him. I strongly believe that she can’t stop seeing him because then she would be forced to feel the emotions that she still has for me and know that I did absolutely nothing to give her these fears. I told her that it is impossible to run from love and if she is still maintaining contact with me after nearly 3 months then maybe it is a sign that we need to give it another shot. We have both said “bye” too many times to count, I’ve held her as she cried for hours as I told her I had to walk away, yet we are never able to stay away. I feel like she is trying to keep me around until she is ready to get involved with me and be serious again. To me it looks like she is truly afraid of the deep love we share and is hoping that it will soon go away and almost like she tried to sabotage our relationship because of the irrational fears I listed above. I feel like she will not leave her current “relationship” because then she would be proving me right and acknowledging how she truly feels.
I’m truly lost and have no idea what to do next, I have scoured the internet trying to find advice or similar situations and I have yet to find anything. I love her with all my heart and I know that she feels the same but for some reason just won’t stop trying to convince herself that we can’t be together. I told her there is no waiting around for a second chance, which she is openly told me will happen, just not now. At this point I could use any advice that you have on what to do next and what you think is going on. Do you think that she is trying to prove to me and herself something by continuing to try and make her current fling something more? Why would she admit all these things to me and yet continue to try and run? How could this just happen all of the sudden when I gave her no reason to be afraid? Do I walk away for good? Is there even anything I can do at this point?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset. I hope I can help you see what’s really going on:

First of all, let me tell you a little bit about her. She is not a victim. She is a 24 year old adult who is making choices in her life. Choices create your character. Right now, she is making unhealthy choices.

Now, let’s talk about you. 😉 You may have had a great romance for one year with her, but when it came time for commitment, she panicked and ran. Not everyone is cut out for long term, monogamous relationships. You need to accept who she is — the good and the bad. And while she’s got those great attributes you love, she’s got some attributes that are destructive when it comes to relationships, and which make her incompatible as a long term, monogamous partner in a serious relationship. 🙁 You’re a guy who gets the job done, and you’re trying to fix her. People can’t be fixed by others. They decide how they’re going to behave, themselves. She is being crystal clear with you that she is going to continue with this guy who mistreats her, you, and frankly, himself. She has made him a big part of her life, and you need to accept this…. and move on.

I know it’s hard to admit that the relationship failed, when you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t fail (military service, college degree, etc.), but relationships do fail, and the way you succeed is to recognize when they do, and decide to move on and find someone with whom you can have relationship success. She is not that person. You can (and will) do better.

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