[Dummy]

It’s gonna be hard to keep this brief, but I’ll try… and I understand that it makes me seem like a terrible person, and maybe I am.

I’ve been in a live-in relationship with a man I’ll call Abe for about eight years now. There was not much in the way of physical attraction, even in the beginning, but we had so many other things going for us—very compatible intellectually and emotionally and aesthetically. I was in a bad place in my own life, and I let things move way too quickly. Within six months, I’d moved in with him in a city I didn’t like and where I didn’t have friends or family. I made the best of it, but I began seriously fantasizing about ending the relationship after a few years. We love each other very much, but I don’t have any sexual desire for him.

About three years ago I met a man I’ll call Bill. He lives in a place where I would much rather live—where I have roots, and family, and many old friends. Bill was also in another relationship, but we fell in love and had a passionate affair. Over the course of two and a half years we saw each other whenever possible. When we couldn’t, we communicated over email and chat and phone. He declared me his greatest love, and I declared him mine, and there is no question in my mind that we both meant it.

Bill’s preexisting relationship was much unhappier than mine. He left her a year into our affair, but I didn’t leave mine. We yo-yoed, I suffered, but he suffered worse, because I was still living with Abe. I told him repeatedly how bad I felt about it. I was paralyzed. Still, no amount of empathy or good intentions could make up for that hurt, and I know it.

Why didn’t I leave my relationship with Abe? Lots of reasons. I will tell you if you think it matters in terms of the advice you’d give me. In any case, Bill told me several times that if I didn’t leave my boyfriend for him he would eventually have to begin dating. He needed real companionship. He would need a real girlfriend sooner or later. I always said I understood and could never blame him for moving on, but that it would be very, very sad for me. He always said he could never replace me, I would always have him, he couldn’t open up to anyone again like he did with me. “I might fool her but I’ll never fool myself,” he said. “This is it for me. This doesn’t happen twice.”

I’ll skip over a lot of stuff and just say that Bill and I last slept together six months ago. We said it would be the last time unless I left my boyfriend. We remained in contact over phone, text, chat, and email—and there continued to be a lot of emotional involvement. I last saw him in person two months ago. We had a good, friendly visit and ended up making out. The sparks were still there. He asked me to go home with him, but I said I couldn’t. He sent a follow-up email to the effect of KAPOW_POW_POW.

A month later came a brief period where I felt some distance on his part, and then a conversation in which he advised me to leave my boyfriend and this town I don’t like and move to the town where he lives. He said, “I can tell you this as a friend, because I’m not trying to win you anymore.” He told me he that, after much hard work, he was over me. I asked, did he still want me? He said he was “taking the fifth”—whatever that means. He said he was ready to start dating and find a girlfriend, though when I asked, he said he wasn’t seeing anyone yet. I told him, again, that I understood but was very, very sad.

I sent a follow-up email apologizing for moping, which he ignored. I sent another one asking if we were okay. To that one he responded, briskly, “Why wouldn’t we be okay? I’m busy and happy in a new relationship.”

Stupid me, I was devastated—because I love him, and because of the way he told me. There was some angry back-and-forth over email, and then he said he thought we could be friends but that we needed to cool it for a while, because he still had so much anger at me for letting him dangle for two and a half years. I said I understood, and we told each other once more that we were each other’s great loves. That’s more or less where things stand with us. No contact for about three weeks.

You can guess the rest. Finally, after all this time, I knew what I had to do: leave this town and move to my hometown, where Bill lives. Last week I broke up with my boyfriend of eight years. It was excruciating for both of us, but I’ve put it off for many years too long. Now I’m heartbroken twice, and both heartbreaks are my fault.

Which leaves me with this: I’ve removed the roadblocks that kept me and Bill apart, but now he’s not talking to me and he’s got a new girl and he’s legitimately very angry at me. What do I do?

[AskApril Masini]

You should look for a guy to date who is available and interested in having a relationship with you. 😉 If that sounds simple, it’s because it is. You have a history of creating drama, and you should probably try to figure out why you make things so complicated for yourself, when you don’t have to.

I hope that helps. If you have specific questions, feel free to ask me, but the answer to this one you’ve posed is just very simple. Time to start dating!

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[Dummy]

Thanks, April. You really cut to the chase, and I appreciate it. So you’re saying I should leave Bill to his girl and not tell him my relationship status has changed?

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like he’s moved on and isn’t interested in you any more. That’s why I suggested you do the same. And this time, find someone who is readily available and not committed to someone else, so you can see what it’s like to have a simpler, less entangled life. 😉 I think it would be great for you not to bounce from one relationship into another, and really feel single for a while, and make conscious choices about who you date and commit to. 🙂

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[Dummy]

Thanks. I can’t believe how bad I screwed up.

[AskApril Masini]

Take a breath and understand that we ALL screw up. You’re not special in that regard. 😉 Instead, look at this as an opportunity to learn, and do better. It sounds like you got involved with Abe because you were in a bad place in your life, and you probably looked to him for comfort, and possibly a distraction from other problems going on. While that’s understandable, it’s not always a great way to start a relationship. Sometimes it’s better to take care of business and get healthy — whether that means financially healthy, career-healthy, family healthy, physically healthy — whatever it is, so that you’re not bringing those complications to the relationship, or confusing those problems with relationship problems. Moving in with him after only six months was faster than I’d recommend, and I bet at this point, you’d say the same thing. Really get to know someone before you get involved and get committed.

It also sounds like you got involved with Bill because you had a lack of passion in your life with Abe. A more simple response would have been to focus on creating a more passionate relationship with Abe, or breaking up with him. But continuing to live with him, and getting involved with the next guy, was a mistake.

I know you think you screwed up, but maybe you’re exactly where you should be right now. Being alone is not a bad thing. It will give you the opportunity to reflect on what went wrong and what you want next. When one door closes…. another one usually opens.

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[Dummy]

You’re right, I know–about all of it. It just hurts so bad to know I lost my chance with Bill. It was the kind of total love I never thought I’d have. I blew it because I was too afraid of being the bad guy and hurting Ace, but guess what? I hurt him anyhow.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re right.

And I’m very sure you will find love again, when you’re ready for it. 🙂

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