[Anonymous]

Six months ago I got with a girl, she was my first girlfriend. I knew that she’d been in a lot of relationships in a fairly short space of time, but this was my first and so I did everything for her.

I used to spoil her, do anything she asked of me. We used to hold each other close and just talk endlessly. I lost my virginity to her. We had a great connection, I really thought she was the one.

After a few months of her constantly saying how much she loved me and never wanted anyone else, I was annoyed one night when she posted “Love you” on a Facebook wall to a male friend and colleague. I knew she was friends with him despite hating him at first, she would constantly moan about how annoying he could be and how ugly he was. When we went out he would bombard her with texts but she wouldn’t reply. I said that I wasn’t too pleased that she said “Love you”, even if it was as a mate, because it was obvious he fancied her and could lead him on.

She split up with me by text the very next day, wouldn’t answer my calls or do it to my face. We met up a few days later and kissed quite a lot. Then a day later she said that she’d fallen for the guy at her work who she used to moan about. I felt like I’d been stabbed. We remained in contact and met again a few days after that, shared another long kiss. She ignored my texts the following day when I needed to know what was going on. Then a day after that she told me online that they were a couple, and I completely lost it. Didn’t eat for a week, punched walls, the works. I had the shakes any everything. We agreed to not speak again.

After a week of that I was bored of not speaking to her, so I messaged her and we maintained small talk, and had done ever since. It’s like 50 texts a day of random rubbish. His name is hardly brought up but when it is it’s about how he doesn’t trust her with any other men etc. I still love her as a friend so found it hard about what to say and not sound like a bitter ex. We met up a few times as well and bought each other Christmas presents.

Last week she said that she had some news that she needed to break to me gently. I knew that she was engaged, was so obvious. Met her quickly at the weekend for the first time in a while and saw the ring. It hurt. I tried to just ignore it but I couldn’t, I got drunk and had a bit of a moan saying I can’t work out why it’s so soon. She replied saying how much she loved him, which really, really hurt. We had a bit of a falling out.

I just want to stop feeling like this. I know I should cut her out but I can’t, we have so much in common and a weird bond as friends. He ruined my relationship, if he ruins my friendship as well it’ll kill me. I just pray every day that they’ll split because if they get married I’ll be suicidal. My head is all over the place and I just want to crawl inside a cave and die at times. Sorry I’ve rambled on but I would like some advice from a neutral.

[Anonymous]

As much as it hurts, you gotta rip the bandaid off quickly. If you do it slowly, it’s far worse. That is what you have been doing. As much as it hurts, you have to cut all contact with her immediately. This person is not good for you. She is jerking you around but you are letting it happen also. The only thing that helps in these situations is to get some perspective. The way you do that is to get some distance. You and she continued to text even when she told you she was in a relationship with him. Being bored is not a good enough reason to continue to contact someone, especially someone who left you during your relationship to be with another man. So now, you need to do the hard work of separating from her. She apparently has no trouble playing the two of you off each other. That situation is not good for you. You have to set limits and say no. With some time, you will regain your perspective and feel a lot better. You might even wonder how you could have stayed with someone who did not treat you very well. Spend time with family and friends, stay active, do not respond to her texts, email, calls or facebook and delete her number. Just end it completely. She is not good for you and you have to take care of yourself now. And by the way, he didn’t ruin your relationship, she did. She left your relationship to be with him. You really need to be good to yourself now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your first lover is very special to you, but the reality is that the two of you are no longer a couple, and she’s engaged to another man. It’s very normal to be upset and mourn the loss of the relationship. But if you stay friends with her (and this isn’t a real friendship because you’re not happy for her marriage and she’s not looking out for your best interests knowing how you feel about her), you’ll never get to mourn the loss of the relationship. You’re going to keep it alive in this awful, bastardized form that it was never meant to be.

The best thing you can do for you and for her is to cut off contact and move on with your life. You deserve a woman who not only loves you, but cares about your best interests. This ex-girlfriend doesn’t care about your best interest. If she did, she’d know that keeping you around is hurting you, hurting her fiance and is ultimately a power play on her part to make her feel important. You also know deep down that if you really care about her, you’ll let her go and pursue her marriage.

You’re going to find Ms. Right — I promise you — but not if you don’t let go of this relationship that is rotting past it’s expiration date.

I know you’re hurt, but if you follow my advice here, you’ll begin to feel better with time. I promise. 😉

I hope that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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