[mcMFA]

I’m so done with his mid-life or what seems to be crisis. We have been married for almost 20 years and he knows I absolutely HATE goatees or any facial scruffiness. So for the past 6 months he has been wearing a beard and so there has been NO sex and I absolutely refuse, its a total turn-off for me. I can’t believe its gone on this long, in the past he has finally given in. But here we are now just co-habitants living together. And every day I grow further and further un-attracted to him. As friends we can chat and take of home business, but every once in a while a spark sets off and he loses his patience and blows up either at me or the kids or something.

In the past we have had lengthly conversations, gone on get-aways and things get back to normal. This time we have not talked seriously, I sent him an e-mail a while back maybe 3 months now, since I can’t seem to get in a word in edgewise in a direct conversation. And clearly stated that I was e-mailing him, because I was so done with his moody yelling, and that I felt that our interests have changed and we have nothing in common that we like to do together anymore. Last summer, I attempted to try something he likes; golf and it was a bust. But, I tried and I make an attempt to converse with his golf friends and their wives. While, I enjoy ballroom dancing, he refuses to go and hates my friends and is basically a mute if he comes along (very un-natural for him, he loves to be the social butterfly in most cases). So completely frustrated and not willing to be the 1st one to make the move again. What can I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re not willing to make the first move again…. it seems like you have no choice, but to wait and see if he’ll make the first move. Which is going to make you boil even more and get more and more frustrated. 😳 You’re basically going to be in cold war.

So, something has to give….

Is this really about his having grown a beard six months ago, and you being so mad about that beard that you won’t have sex with him [i]because of the beard? [/i]

I know you’re really angry, but is it about the beard? Or something else?

Let me know and I can advise you further.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1[/url].

[mcMFA]

Ya, partially it makes it difficult since I was raped by a guy with a beard when we first started dating although I don’t think he realizes that I was actually raped but rather just assaulted.

Of course more things have boiled since the beard is here to stay. The part I hate the most is that he just goes on as if nothing is wrong. Like today for instance, just found out that he is being cut down to 4 days a week for work. And then he goes and joins a health club Hello???? we need to cut expenses not add to them. I handle the finances even though he is a business major, but whatever, explained drew charts, made a budget etc. He says, oh you approved the health club, ya before this news of cut in pay!!! Then I suggest cutting back in kids activities and he defends them with ; they pay for most of their stuff.

Could not take the blame and dream world anymore. Then he proceeds to say there is a lot that is not being said here and I ask what does that mean? no answer. So, I tell him go ahead and live in your dream world got things to do and left for my errands. I know like I sound like I’m all over the place, but I am at my ropes end.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It does sound like you’re all over the place. 😕

It’s hard to understand that you were raped by a man with a beard, but you never told your husband of 20 years that you were actually raped by a man with a beard, and that that’s why his beard makes you uncomfortable. It would seem that if he knew that he’d want to help make you feel safer. Why don’t you just tell him? And why haven’t you told him in two decades of marriage? ❓ I’m stumped.

It seems like you’ve left that topic now, and you’re upset about his spending instead of cutting back — but the story you told has you walking out and basically saying, “Whatever,” instead of rolling up your sleeves and wanting to communicate with him enough to change things.

I’m guessing that you’re leaving a lot of issues unfinished, like the beard, and moving on without resolution. Then when something new comes up, you’re irritated a thousand times over about all the things that have never been resolved that also bother you.

The trick to this relationship is finding your responsibility in these issues. Until you do, you’re going to keep digging up problems, and then leaving them half discussed and not at all resolved. 😳 You seem to be smart enough to be able to solve problems — but you keep leaving them half-way. Look in the mirror this time, and decide what YOU can do. 🙂

I hope that helps steer you in the right direction. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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