[chill1]

Hello,

I need some advice about my situation. There is this older woman I am good friends with. We ended up having sex awhile back. She told me that she really likes me but the situation is complicated. What she meant was her and her ex-boyfriend were trying to get back together. Guess what? They did get back together. She told me he is planning on moving out here real soon. She said they are planning to live with each other. But what I don’t understand is as soon as she was on her way back from her vacation she gave me a call several times to let me know that she was on her way. Soon as she got back into town she gave me a call and wanted to see me as soon as I got off from work. While I was there her boyfriend called and she wanted me to be silent when she was on the phone. While she was on the phone she was trying to rush him off the so she can spend time with me. I ended up staying there for about two hours. She also cooked for me that night. Then the next few days she wanted to spend time with me and we did do that. While this is going on she is flirting with me and at the same time she tells me she is trying to avoid having sex no matter how much she enjoyed it. Now my thing is I don’t mind being just her friend with benefits. But at the same time I do like this woman. Another thing is if I don’t respond to her texts or answer the phone when she calls. She gets upset. Talking about confusing mess. Her boyfriend is in town this week and I’m not going to even contact her at all. So what should I do? I know some people will say move on but it’s hard to move on when we are real good friends. Also I like this woman and we have a connection. I was even thinking about not contacting her after the boyfriend leaves. Is that a good idea? I feel like I’m doing the chasing at times and she’s enjoying it. I do notice when I don’t respond to her calls/texts she gets upset. When we do talk again should I stay positive when she starts talking about her boyfriend? He wants to marry her but she said that she is ready for that at all. I know one of her main reasons is me and she is felling like shes being rushed. So how can I get her to focus on me more?

Thanks

[jenlee]

if u dont mind me saying. i think you should tell her that you would like to just stay friends and only friends. she is giving you the run around and that is not fair to you or her boyfriend. what are you going to do if she does get married to him? your going to be pretty hurt that you waisted all your time on her, when you could of been looking some where else. if she really cared about you, she would get rid of him and find a way to be with you. i hate to say it, but it sounds like she is just using you. i know it is going to be hard. but maybe the two of you should take a brake as friends, so that your feelings for wanting to be with her will fade. good luck

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s nothing to be confused about, and this has nothing to do with this woman being older. She has a boyfriend who is her number one guy. She doesn’t want him to know about you, but she doesn’t want to give you up. She will continue to see you on the side as long as you’re game.

I know you want her friendship, but she isn’t offering you real friendship. She’s offering you a relationship on the side, and that’s it. A real friendship would involve her telling her boyfriend about you and inviting you to do things with the two of them, as well as others in a group.

So, you have to decide if you want to be the guy on the side or to move on and find someone who wants you all to herself all the time, and vice verse.

[Anonymous]

I have two last things that I want to get your opinion on. The first one is the continuation of the main topic and second is based on another issue.
1.Well I do recall last week she told me prior to us having our first sexual encounter her and her boyfriend were trying to work things out. Then she hit me with the bombshell that they got back together. As I stated before she wanted to spend time with me the whole weekend. I tried to make an attempt to have sex but she stopped me even though she really wanted to. She said she didn’t want to feel guilty. Her boyfriend is here now visiting and of course she hasn’t hit me up nor have I hit her up. I know once he leaves she will call me but I probably will not respond. So what do you think?

2.One thing I do believe I made a mistake was when I tried to contact her after her response in a text. It basically went like this: I told her I was coming by a few nights ago. She then hit me up a couple times wondering when I was coming.Then at the last minute I told her that I couldn’t make it. She had taken what I said the wrong way and seemed like she was upset and replied back saying bye. I figured she was trying to cut ties with me so I hit her back a several times to let her know she took what I said the wrong way. She didn’t respond because she fell asleep but the following day she replied back asking me why I sent the messages I sent. Even though the messages was explaining to her that she took things the wrong way and wishing her luck on something that was important to her. She initially didn’t want to talk but ended up calling me anyway. Do you think I was in the wrong? If so, do you suggests that I fall waaay back now? Thanks

[chill1]

[quote=”April Masini”]There’s nothing to be confused about, and this has nothing to do with this woman being older. She has a boyfriend who is her number one guy. She doesn’t want him to know about you, but she doesn’t want to give you up. She will continue to see you on the side as long as you’re game.

I know you want her friendship, but she isn’t offering you real friendship. She’s offering you a relationship on the side, and that’s it. A real friendship would involve her telling her boyfriend about you and inviting you to do things with the two of them, as well as others in a group.

So, you have to decide if you want to be the guy on the side or to move on and find someone who wants you all to herself all the time, and vice verse.[/quote]

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Re: Some advice-older woman

The previous post was me and I forgot to log on.
I have two last things that I want to get your opinion on. The first one is the continuation of the main topic and second is based on another issue.
1.Well I do recall last week she told me prior to us having our first sexual encounter her and her boyfriend were trying to work things out. Then she hit me with the bombshell that they got back together. As I stated before she wanted to spend time with me the whole weekend. I tried to make an attempt to have sex but she stopped me even though she really wanted to. She said she didn’t want to feel guilty. Her boyfriend is here now visiting and of course she hasn’t hit me up nor have I hit her up. I know once he leaves she will call me but I probably will not respond. So what do you think?

2.One thing I do believe I made a mistake was when I tried to contact her after her response in a text. It basically went like this: I told her I was coming by a few nights ago. She then hit me up a couple times wondering when I was coming.Then at the last minute I told her that I couldn’t make it. She had taken what I said the wrong way and seemed like she was upset and replied back saying bye. I figured she was trying to cut ties with me so I hit her back a several times to let her know she took what I said the wrong way. She didn’t respond because she fell asleep but the following day she replied back asking me why I sent the messages I sent. Even though the messages was explaining to her that she took things the wrong way and wishing her luck on something that was important to her. She initially didn’t want to talk but ended up calling me anyway. Do you think I was in the wrong? If so, do you suggests that I fall waaay back now? Thanks

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Look — this is all about you deciding what you want from this woman, while being realistic about what you can get. She has a boyfriend and she wants that boyfriend to come first. If you want to be the back up guy — as a friend or sometime lover, then that’s the path you’re on. If you want to find a woman who wants you to be her number one guy, then it’s time to move on and do so.

The choice is yours. She’s made herself clear, and if you want similar clarity, then you have to decide which of the above two options you want in your life.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your advice. I am most likely going to go the friends with benefits route. It’s not like I don’t have other options. It’s crazy she hasn’t told her boyfriend anything about me. Soon as he left this morning I received multiple emails from her asking me why am I not answering my phone. Then she hit me up on a social website trying to talk on there. Of course I did not respond. So do you have any other suggestions or advice about this situation since I’m taking the fwb route?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Look, you’ve now consciously chosen to be the guy on the side — not Mr. Right. And she is not your Ms. Right. You will never be her number one man because you’ve allowed yourself to be second best to her more important boyfriend, so stop complaining and wondering about why she does or doesn’t tell her best boyfriend about you. I would never advise anyone to do what you’re doing, but since you’ve chosen to be a friend with benefits instead of Mr. Right, knowing full well that she’s got a boyfriend she cares more about than you, quit complaining and asking questions about her and her boyfriend. You’ve taken the back seat, unfortunately, and it’s understandable you’re not comfortable there, but if you don’t have the self esteem to be someone’s Mr. Right, then accept your lot. 😳 When you decide you want to be Mr. Right to a Ms. Right, you’ll get out of this unhealthy dynamic you’re in and move on.

[Ethan Morales]

This woman is not prioritising you. Her main commitment is to her boyfriend. You’re essentially her side connection, and everything you’re describing her calling you secretly, wanting to see you while he’s around, flirting, keeping you on the back burner confirms that. She’s maintaining her primary relationship while also keeping you interested, which is why you feel like you’re doing all the chasing at times.

Her behaviour shows she values the attention and connection she gets from you, but she is not in a position to fully focus on you emotionally or romantically. That’s why you feel confused and frustrated: she’s giving you enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to have a real, exclusive relationship. Any attempt to “get her to focus on you more” will always be limited by her commitment to her boyfriend.

April Masini’s advice is spot on: you need to decide whether you’re okay being “the guy on the side” or whether you want someone who will actually prioritise you. Friendship under these circumstances isn’t genuine, it’s conditional and secretive. Continuing to invest your time and emotions into this will likely lead to more frustration, heartbreak, and feeling undervalued.

The healthiest approach is to set clear boundaries for yourself. If you want a real, committed relationship, you need to step back from her until she is fully available emotionally and romantically or move on and invest your energy into someone who can truly reciprocate your feelings. Anything less keeps you in a cycle of uncertainty and emotional drain. You’re not wrong for wanting more, and she’s not able to give it right now. Protect your own emotional well-being first.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s such a confusing and emotionally exhausting situation. What stands out immediately is the imbalance in this dynamic. You clearly have feelings for this woman and enjoy her company, but the reality is that her priority is her boyfriend. Everything she’s doing with you the calls, the time together, the flirtation is happening in secret and on her terms. That puts you in a position where your emotional investment is being used for her comfort or entertainment, rather than a mutual relationship where your needs are respected and valued. It’s no wonder you’re feeling frustrated and confused; she’s essentially giving you just enough attention to keep you hooked, without ever making you her priority.

April Masini’s advice really hits the nail on the head: you’ve consciously chosen to be the “backup guy,” a friend with benefits, while she remains emotionally committed to her boyfriend. That’s a tough pill to swallow because it means that, even if you enjoy the FWB dynamic for now, it will never evolve into something where you’re number one in her life. The danger here is the emotional wear and tear over time, it can erode your self-esteem and create patterns of longing and frustration. It’s not just about the sex or the friendship; it’s about knowing your place in someone’s life and whether that aligns with your own needs and values.

If you are truly going to stay in the friends-with-benefits lane, the most important thing is to fully own that choice and adjust your expectations. Stop questioning why she isn’t telling her boyfriend about you or why she behaves inconsistently. Those are clear indicators that she is protecting her primary relationship, not you. You can still enjoy her company, but you must emotionally detach from expecting more. That means setting boundaries for yourself don’t overextend emotionally, and don’t compromise your self-respect by constantly chasing her approval or attention.

I want to say this gently but firmly: there’s nothing wrong with wanting her, or enjoying what you have with her but clarity comes from being honest with yourself. Ask yourself if this dynamic makes you truly happy and if it aligns with your long-term desires. If the answer is no, then the healthiest step is to move on and invest in someone who wants to make you their priority. This isn’t about abandoning someone you care for; it’s about protecting your heart and your self-worth. You can enjoy the connection without letting it define your value. You deserve a love where you are fully cherished, not just a secret indulgence

[Tara]

You’re the side dish she sneaks when her main course isn’t around. She’s not confused, she’s not torn, she’s not stuck, she’s using you to fill the gaps her boyfriend can’t, won’t, or doesn’t. And you’re letting her, because she throws you just enough attention to keep you on the hook.

She’s playing both sides because she likes the power. She cooks for you, flirts with you, wants you quiet when her boyfriend calls, and gets pissed when you don’t jump the second she snaps her fingers. That’s not affection, that’s control. She’s managing you the same way she’s managing him; the difference is he’s getting the title, and you’re getting the scraps.

You “don’t mind being friends with benefits,” but that’s a lie; you’re already emotionally invested, and she knows it. That’s why she keeps you orbiting. You’re safe, you’re available, and you’re stupidly loyal to someone who has no intention of choosing you. If she really wanted you, you wouldn’t be hiding in her house like a secret while she rushes her “boyfriend” off the phone so she can give you your two-hour window of attention.

You’re not chasing her because you love her. You’re chasing her because she made you feel chosen once, and now you’re addicted to the crumbs. And she absolutely loves that you’re desperate enough to stay in the triangle. She gets the commitment from her boyfriend and the ego boost from you. You get nothing but confusion and false hope.

And no, you cannot “get her to focus on you more.” She is with her boyfriend. He is moving in. He wants to marry her. She doesn’t want to because she likes having you as her emotional escape hatch. You are the Plan B. The backup generator. The comfort toy. The attention sponge. You are not the future, you’re the distraction.

[Sally]

This woman is tying you in knots, and she knows it. She likes the way you make her feel, but she’s not choosing you. She’s choosing her boyfriend and keeping you on the side for attention, comfort, and maybe a little thrill. That’s why she calls you the second she’s back in town, why she hides you when he calls, why she gets mad when you don’t answer. It’s all about her needs.

And I know you care about her, but this isn’t friendship. It’s you waiting around while she builds a life with someone else. That doesn’t end well.
Pull back. Not to play games, but to protect yourself. If she really wanted you, she wouldn’t be juggling both worlds.

Let her relationship be her relationship. Don’t be the backup plan. You’ll lose yourself in that.

[Member]

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