[SweetandPetite]

So, I’m 49 now and soon to be single or should I say, soon to be divorcing, then dating again. I have been living in the same house as my soon to be ex for the last year. We have discussed the subject of divorce, or as it is now termed, “dissolution of marriage”. We are on friendly terms, which is very helpful both to us and our 8 year old daughter. Once the divorce is final, we may still be living in the same house for financial reasons, hopefully not!

I am exploring the possibility of dating again, a strange idea to say the least when one such as myself hasn’t been in the dating game for 11 years. Online dating seems like a good place to start, but how does one choose which site to use? I hear many differing opinions about them, it can be overwhelming.

At least one thing is for sure: I have definitely identified where I went wrong in my past relationships and what I want in my future partner. Fortunately, I am no longer the “love hungry” gal I used to be. We’ll see how it goes! 😆

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it’s great that you and your soon to be ex-husband are on good terms. Divorce can get ugly, and the better your ability to agree and compromise, the easier (and cheaper) your divorce will be. Your daughter will also suffer the effects of divorce way less if you and her father can get along in spite of the divorce and any future living arrangements that are different than what you have now.

It’s understandable that you and your soon to be ex-husband will share a house while you are divorcing since you both seem to get along and can’t afford separate living quarters right now. Lots of people are financially strapped and you’re lucky that you both agree to this situation, however…..you may have on rose colored glasses right now, and may be unrealistic about what your future divorce and dating life will do to your living situation. Custody will not be an issue while you’re both living in the same home, but if and when you decide to move out of your house, or your soon to be ex-husband decides to move out of your house, or you both move, the cold sting of only seeing your child on your custody time will set in, and it will be easy (although not guaranteed) that you’ll start to feel uncomfortable, insecure, and worried about your child when she’s not with you, as will your soon to be ex-husband. That’s the fodder for custody battles.

Dating adds kerosene to that fire. It may be hard for you to imagine right now that your get along great soon to be ex-husband may become jealous and threatened if you start dating, introduce your daughter to a new man who may be come her step-father, but stranger things have happened. The exact same situation, in reverse, could happen to you, too, if her dad starts dating someone younger, thinner, richer or whatever — and your daughter prefers that woman to you. So my point is that divorce while you’re living together is fine, and even a great idea, but you should wait to date until you’re not living with your soon to be ex-husband. It will give you privacy to date without him knowing, and without your daughter knowing, and it will shelter your daughter from what she may perceive as an endless string of men coming in and out of the house .

So get divorced, then figure out your finances, and THEN start dating. When you get to that point, ABSOLUTELY consider and try internet dating. It’s a great way to meet eligible men in a short amount of time, and to edit your choices without having to spend the time and energy actually dating. Knowing what you want in a man really helps the process because, for instance, if you know you want a man who’s got a particular job, is of a particular age or does or doesn’t have children, you can easily find that out online before you agree to meet. You can also decide if you want someone who’s divorced or never married, athletic, super intellectual, likes to travel or someone who likes to stay home and nest — before you get halfway through dinner and a movie and realize you’re with someone who’s just incompatible with you.

What I would advise is that you post an honest profile that has several photos of yourself that don’t lie about who you are or what you look like. There’s no sense in pretending your a 5’10” blonde who weighs 130 pounds and runs marathons regularly, when you’re really a 5’4” brunette who weighs 140 and would rather have pizza and beer and watch old Hitchcock movies than run to answer the telephone. There IS someone for everyone, but if you’re not honest, you’re going to waste your time with men looking for someone different.

Use the internet dating sites to “shop smart” for someone who’s right for you. Don’t get overly stimulated by the fact that you’ve got e-mail from men online. I know it’s exciting to get mail, but just because a man writes you, doesn’t mean he’s right for you. Stay focused on what you want in a man and if someone isn’t right for you based on what you learn about them online, don’t be afraid to pass on them, and stop talking to them. A very simple, “Thanks for your interest, but while you’re a great guy, I can see you’re not what I’m looking for,” is all you have to write. Don’t “be nice” and lead someone on who your instincts are telling you is wrong.

And lastly, remember that the internet is not real life. It’s a tool that is wonderful to use, but don’t spend six months corresponding with someone and investing your emotions online when you should be out and about getting to know him in real life. Real life is where you get to see his expressions, gauge his real life reactions, and know if there’s real chemistry and not just cyber excitement.

Good luck on this next phase in your life. Stay smart and use the internet AND your instincts to find Mr. Right this time around.

[Member]

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