[christina2]

I have put myself in a horrible dilemma. I have been dating my ex for 3 years, the last few months of the relationship were rocky. We decided to split. Three days after another guy asked me out for a drink (it was casual, just a coworker I knew, I wasn’t looking). Soon a friendship formed, but both of us did not want a relationship at the time since I just got out of the other one. We hung out about once a week.

A month later, my ex wants to get back together. We both still have feelings toward another and started hanging out again. Things were still rocky, but there were some good times too. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. He lavishes me with nice gifts to lure me back to him. During this time, I was still in contact with the other guy. I felt as if I was being a player.

One night, my ex decided to snoop through my phone and found messages between me and the other guy. He became extremely upset and jealous, tells me to stop contacting him, and that I should get back with him instead. Now he has been giving me a hard time for seeing a guy so shortly after we broke up. His reasoning for us to get back together is that we have been through so much, he believes fixing the relationship will be worth it in the long run.

I told the other guy that I’ve been hanging out with my ex, and now he wants to start a relationship.

I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. Get back with my ex and work on a broken relationship that may have potential, where everything is familiar and existing. OR start a new relationship with someone new and have new experiences.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to make a decision here with your brain — not your heart. Start with taking inventory of what you want. I don’t know how old you are or if marriage or children are on your radar, but if they are, make that your goal. If all you want is fun, make that your goal. If you want to play the field, make that your goal. In other words, you can’t be reactive any more. You have to become goal driven and success driven in your dating. Lots of people waste years of their lives by not doing just this and from drifting from one nice guy to the next — never finding Mr. Right because they’re not actually actively looking for him. 😉

I know your ex-boyfriend is someone dear to your heart, but ask yourself the tough questions: Why, after three years, did you break up up? Is this someone you can count on for the long run, or is he someone who shirks responsibility for bumps in the relationship? If you get back together with him, you’re going to close yourself off to dating other people. You won’t feel single, and you may be wasting your time — or not. Getting back together with him shouldn’t be a decision based on sentiment. It needs to be almost a business decision. Is he going to be the person who can give you what you’re looking for — and are you a compatible match with him, so that you can give him what he’s looking for. This is a tougher question than asking yourself who you like more.

Hope that helps!

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[christina2]

April,

Thanks so much for the quick, constructive, and useful reply. Although my decision has still not been done 🙁

I am 22 years old and a college student, therefore marriage and children are no in the radar for at least the next 5 years. Although if I were to imagine who I were to be with in the future, it would be my ex. But when I go out with my single girlfriends, I find that I miss that life and want to play the field again. I brought the fact that I wanted to be single to my ex, it complete upset him, and he still can not accept the fact that I am single.

My wish is that we could separate and date others for the time being, enjoy being young, and in the future, possibly get back together. Am I wrong for thinking that way?
He treats me very well and loves me unconditionally. But for some reason I do not the feel the same back towards him in that same intensity. I believe it is due to the fact that I like this new person.

Meanwhile as my ex and I argue and try to figure out this situation. The other person is standing on the sideline, texting me, wanting to hang out, which I have to shut down for the time being. If I were to be caught hanging out with the new guy, my ex would be furious. In addition, my ex wants a decision from me and has set a deadline.

Thank you again, April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]My wish is that we could separate and date others for the time being, enjoy being young, and in the future, possibly get back together. Am I wrong for thinking that way? [/quote]

You’re not wrong for thinking that way, but it’s probably not going to happen that way. 😳 Chances are that you’re just both not in the right place at the right time. This isn’t uncommon. It’s a lot harder for people to break up with people who are good people, but a bad match. Drama and bad behavior make break ups much easier.

[quote]If I were to be caught hanging out with the new guy, my ex would be furious. In addition, my ex wants a decision from me and has set a deadline. [/quote]

Your ex is forcing the issue, and while he’s not wrong to do so, I think it’s going to force you to really realize that at this time in your life, you want to play the field, explore the world, and not settle down yet — even with someone who is as wonderful as him — it’s not right for you right now. 😉

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