[Shiloh]

Okay, so I am a little overwhelmed with the problems in my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we live together, and we now have a 5 month old baby boy. Our sex life used to be great with no complaints on either end. However, when I was about 4 months pregnant he told me that he was addicted to porn. So after a long talk we worked that out. But since I was about 6 months pregnant, we havn’t had sex. He used to tell me that it freaked him out to have sex while I was pregnant. But then when it continued after the birth I tried to talk to him about it and he told me that he “just wasn’t in the mood”. I just recently got back from a one-month vacation at my parents, and he stayed at home. When I got back, I found out that while I was gone he considered going to get an exotic massage. After a very, very long talk with him about it, he eventually admitted that my weight has become a problem for him. He tried to get past it, but he still can’t bring himself to be the least but sexual with me. I can see where he’s coming from, I am now 50lb heavier than I was when I got pregnant, but it just made me feel soo awful. And I havn’t just been sitting around doing nothing, I have truely been working on losing weight. He says that he still loves me and doesn’t want me to leave, but shouldn’t he love me regardless of my weight? Oh, and he was looking at online porn about every 1 to 2 days while I was gone, but that seems to be the least of my worries now. So do I leave or try to stay? I love him very much, and he has agreed to go to councelling, but will he ever get over it?

[wiselove]

If he has agreed to go to counseling then it sounds like it’s worth giving it a chance. Focus on finding the best therapist you can. It’s a tough situation because people can’t choose their attractions and porn makes everything even more difficult. But with the right therapist you might be able to rekindle the intimacy. And having a child it’s worth giving it every shot I think if he is seriously willing to do that.

[Anonymous]

Dear SHiloh,

Few years back I had a boyfriend for a few months that confessed to me he was addicted to porn. Now i have to tell you that I am not and I was not overweight , on the contrary since I am a physical training specialist , he used to often compliment me about my shape and stamina. Still, he was spending nights watching porn !
So, his addiction is partly not because of your weight gain.

On the other hand most of my female clients have this sort of issue not only after child birth , but usually when they let themselves go and put on too much weight or they are generally not taking care of their body. Men are visual beings and even if they say they still love your “heart” .

Dear Shiloh , in life and relationships in general we are playing a role , all the time and even if we want people’s compassion and understanding for a while we are still on the “stage” , all the time. There are things in life only we can do and it’s our responsibility to do it. Taking care of your body in all circumstances of life is one of them.
Taking care of your health and good looks.
From my experience pregnancy and child birth are trying times . A lot of my clients managed to go through this without significant body changes. But they took real responsibility for it, they worked hard, exercised and did not eat for two. I am telling you all these to encourage you , to give you confidence in your body and your ability to shape it and control it at all times.
Now I can give you an idea relating to your body issue.

Do not feel a victim, do not get depressed, do not take the excuses road. Take responsibility. This is very empowering and the only way to improve your body shape. Make it as a strong inner decision and work at it with your whole being. Do not talk about it. Just do it.
Get professional help, go to the gym, read about nutrition, hire a personal trainer if you can afford, get all the help you need along the way. In addition to that use your mind as a tool. Stay positive, and when you feel the
going gets difficult ask sincerely for help from professionals. Give yourself some time , fast weight loss is ineffective in the long term. Work on losing weight slowly while toning your muscles. Do weight training three times a week. That will create tone in your body and will act as natural medicine for your body and mind.
Amazing things will happen: your self confidence and trust in your ability will increase tremendously, you will commend respect from others without winning or asking for it, you will understand your limitless power on recreating yourself, you will gain knowledge about dealing with yourself that will help you later on in life.

It is an investment that nobody can take from you no matter who is in your life, who wants to stay or who wants to go.
I have to tell you that the physical aspect becomes a problem in many couples . Some of them take responsibility and work on it. One of the results is a spark in sex life. 😆
I hope this helps and looking forward to read from April ,
Purple Rain

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What great advice you got!! 😀 I agree with [b]Purple Rain[/b] and I’ll reiterate and expound a little more.

First, your situation is normal. Many men have trouble seeing their girlfriends and wives as sexual beings once they become mothers. In their heads, women are either one or the other. What you can do to help him with this is to show him that you are both of those things.

How do you do this? Good question — I’m glad you asked. 😆 Take responsibility, as [b]Purple Rain[/b] suggested, for your weight loss. You’re not alone. Most new mothers are challenged by losing baby weight, but they do it! Diet, nutrition and exercise all work. Sometimes it takes longer; sometimes not so much. But do it!

Second, make private time for you and your boyfriend. Get a babysitter for the baby and if you can afford it, go to a hotel for a sexy evening (or even a few hours!). Keep a date night that’s just the two of you. Buy lingerie. Make sure what needs to be waxed is waxed. Get a manicure and pedicure, a haircut and wear makeup. Look cute for him, just like you did when you were dating.

Third, get your flirtatious back on. Tell him how sexy he looks. Send him a hot love note. Seduce him…

As for porn, if he truly has an addiction, that’s a different problem, but I’m not sure he does as much as he just wants a sex life and doesn’t know how to have one with you given your post. My suggestion is to work on yourself (a lot easier than going to therapy to get him to change).

Let me know if that helps!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Shiloh]

Thank you so much for the helpful posts!

I am 100% working towards my weight loss… diet, exercise, the whole bit. I did suggest leaving the baby with his grandma on sunday night so that we could just have a few hours alone to go out for dinner and have some one on one time, and he seemed to think it was a good idea. I don’t think he’s quite ready for the hotel room yet, but he likes the idea of having a date night every week, so maybe we can work towards that! 😀 I have tried the seduction thing in the past, and he just doesn’t seem interested. I cut 18 inches off my hair and got all gussied up for him one day and he looked right past it… not a word. I’ll keep trying, but it seems like he is going to wait until I can lose the weight.

As for the porn thing, I was a little vague before. When he told me about the addiction, he also said that it has been a problem since well before I got pregnant, in fact it was before we even started dating. So we are still looking into councelling for that.

Thank you again soooo much for the responses! It’s nice getting a few unbiased opinions and they were super helpful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re on the right track for getting back your body and your marriage. I love that you got gussied up one day — try doing it every day! 😉 A new fragrance, a push up bra, sexy shoes — he won’t be able to not notice forever. 🙂 And the fact that he was looking forward to a date night is an excellent sign of recovery. Keep moving in that direction.

As for the porn, it sounds like you didn’t know he had an issue with porn while you were dating and throughout the relationship until now. That’s unfortunate, but the reality is that now he’s confessing this to you and it sounds like he wants to address the problem. Joint counseling doesn’t really seem necessary since this problem that may or may not be an addiction is his alone right now. My advice is that you back off and let him handle this problem and you keep going on the healthy track you’re on to reignite the spark in your marriage.

[Shiloh]

Sexcess! 😀 We have actually become much closer in the last little while thanks to your advice.

I am still working really hard on my weight loss, and I take the time to do my makeup and hair every day before he gets home while the little one is napping. As for date night, we have had 2 so far that went amazingly well, and I was shocked when he made the plans to have one every week! He even thinks about what he might want to do during the day at work and then talks to me about it when he gets home. By the time the weekend rolls around, we are both so excited for the date!

He still hasn’t made an appointment for councelling, but like you said I am just going to back off and let him take care of that part. Besides, I know that he hasn’t been looking at porn because he has been spending all his time with me! 😉

Thanks again for the help, we are truely happier and are now on our way to having our relationship back on track. I would still be stuck in that rut if it wasn’t for the awesome advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! 😀

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