[Whatthaa]

Hi April,

Sorry this is long but it’s hard to explain…I met my boyfriend in a whirlwind where we took off in a van together. After a few months on the road we decided to go back to the town where he had been living on the other side of the country but first we went to look after his parents business for two weeks while they went on holidays. Five months later we are still living with them. Although we keep planning to leave, things keep coming up and it’s getting ridiculous. I am ready to go at any time and he is constantly saying he wants and needs to but then always has an excuse not to ranging from fixing up the van to dentist appointments to birthday parties to sick dogs to needing to help his parents but the truth is we could have gone at any time. I am starting to wonder if it is because he is having doubts of how to integrate this relationship born in a bubble, into his “soul community” back in this town. Even though I get on great with his family, he talks about his friends there like they are his second family and has mentioned they can be “clicky”. He doesn’t like that but also seems to feel like he has really found himself as part of this “crew”. I expressed concerns after meeting one of them on the road, who seemed very protective over him and not particularly inclusive of me. She was very flirtatious with him and said things to me like people always thought they were a couple and other comments which came across a bit weird. When he wasn’t there I tried to make conversation but she looked at her phone or turned to talk to someone else. I hardly knew him at that point or what was happening between us and I confronted him about it but he was defensive saying they were just friends, that she was a soul mate like a sister. I think my suspicion exacerbated his concerns about bringing me further into this circle of people, even though I accepted what he said and don’t want to get in the way of his friendships, I made it clear that the encounter had made me uncomfortable and it seems to have had a profound impact or become a point of contention.

When he asked me what I wanted and where I want to go I told him I need some kind of recluse and space to do my work but can do it anywhere and although I am keen to get to know his friends I will need time to myself too. I told him it was a bit intimidating going to a new place where he already had a whole life but that I had always wanted to go there and doing it together would be amazing as long as I could still do my own thing (which I thought he would agree on).. Now I’m not so sure because his reaction seems to have been becoming terrified about doing it. He is now worried I will resent him and I won’t like having distractions and there will not be enough space for me to work and he is used to doing whatever he wants as a single person there. I can’t help but think he is making excuses, that he wants to go there with more autonomy and his push pull attitude is making me feel insecure and like his friends are more important than me and he feels he might have to sacrifice them and will resent me but I don’t expect him to! I want him to have both but is it wrong to want to feel special like it’s him and me not me trying to fit into him and them?

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo land where every day I don’t know whether we are staying or going, like I am at the mercy of his decisions and the only alternative is leaving him which I would regret immediately. I love him and don’t want to do that but I feel like we are going in circles and he is getting annoyed that his behaviour is upsetting me. Sometimes he makes me feel so loved but then he goes into a dark mood and seems to withdraw and I don’t know what’s going on. He says that I jump to too many conclusions and don’t listen to him but I can’t help it when he shuts down and I feel he is not communicating important things about what he is thinking, feeling and deciding internally, I don’t know if my instincts are right or if my imagination is running away because he is quite defensive when I try to get to the bottom of what is going on.

I know the relationship has moved really fast and it has been a sort of initiation by fire but yesterday he asked me if it was supposed to be this hard, with so much negotiation. I am sick of it too but I don’t know if it’s normal or if it gets easier. We are both used to following our instincts and living with a lot of sponteneity but it feels so hard trying to do it together for some reason. It makes no sense as we have similar goals and there is so much chemistry between us. I just can’t understand why we don’t make a move but I’m starting to think he is stalling because he is scared we are incompatible. When we have talked about it he seems like he really doesn’t want to break up, he doesn’t even like it when I go away for a few days but my instincts tell me he is constantly doubting the relationship and whether we are strong enough for him to take me back to his “real life”. The irony is that the more doubts he has, the more doubts I have and the more conflict we have which reinforces his doubts…what the hell is going on? So confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is less of a relationship than it is an adventure! And when you start putting normal relationship parameters on it, you run into trouble because you didn’t start out to have a conventional, long-term relationship with him — you started out to have a whirlwind, live in the moment, road trip romance that sounds like it was a first date that kind of hasn’t ended until now! 😉

To help you figure out where the relationship is going, you have to put yourself in a healthy situation to make a good decision, and that involves getting your place to live. It’s not a good idea for you to be living with your boyfriend’s parents. So, accept that and either get your own place where you are, or move back to wherever it is you lived before you took up with him in a van and get your own place there. Maybe you still have that home. 😉 When you’re living as an adult in an adult situation, you’ll have an easier time making decisions about the relationship — which is what I think you want.

Next, I’d advise that you try to avoid abdicating decisions about your life, to him. It sounds like part of the reason you feel stuck is that you aren’t making your own decisions about your own life. This may be a deeper issue than this relationship problem, alone — but unless you deal with it, it will keep coming up. So, decide what is best for you, and make a plan that follows that thinking.

Then, when you do those two things, you can see how the relationship goes. Right now, you’re stuck, and you’re looking to him to make decisions about your life, that you should be making yourself. You need to get out of the rut you’re in. Try these two steps.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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[Whatthaa]

Wow, thank you, that was a really insightful response. It’s true, deep down I have known for some time that I need to take control and get my own place. I guess I was just hoping that we could do it together. When we have talked about it he seems keen but then nothing happens so I need to face that. I think we were both surprised at how serious the relationship got as like you say, it started out as a really long date!

I can’t go back where I came from. I guess that’s making it hard to know where to go. I know he wants to be out there and I’ve always wanted to go too, even before meeting him. Should I go there without him? How can we work on the relationship if we are in different places? If I get my own place here and he went without me I would be heartbroken and annoyed I waited for so long just to miss out on the next adventure. Should I just drive away and see where I end up? I at least have my own car now…Do I have to give up on the idea that this romance can transition into an adult relationship?

I guess this is why I haven’t wanted to make the decision by myself. I know only I can really answer these questions but it feels overwhelming to face it by myself… I will try and follow your advice, thanks again April

[Whatthaa]

This is my real question…

How do healthy adult couples make decisions together without one person abdicating responsibility or one person becoming more dominant or controlling? Is there always a passive person who has to compromise?

[Whatthaa]

I guess I do realise that both people should take turns in compromising but what can I do if he appeases me when we talk and seems to be compromising and making plans together but doesn’t follow through. Is my only option leaving him?

[Whatthaa]

Aggh you already answered that, sorry… I’m going to make my own plan.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you may be avoiding the real problem here — you’re looking to me for a response to a question about how adults have successful relationships — and the reality is that you have to start with a healthy baseline. So looking in your mirror, I’m gonna wager a guess that you took the whirlwind romance road trip to avoid some real life decisions or issues. It’s very romantic to get involved with someone this way — but it doesn’t always lead to the kind of relationship you’re looking for now. In fact, a guy who will up and take a crazy road trip with you, is not usually the same guy who wants to get a place together with a lease or a mortgage and responsibilities. 😉 Is it possible that, on some deeper level, you’re avoiding your own life decisions?

Whether you go back to where you used to live, or get a place where you are now — my suggestion that you get your own apartment is a way to allow you clarity on this guy’s true interest in you. By living with him at his parents’ home, you’re avoiding the reality of dating and the adult relationship issues that come from adult relationship situations. His comment about all this negotiating being difficult comes from his not wanting to do what you want him to do. I think you should face your fears and get your own place. See if he wants to date you when you do, and you’ll have clarity on this adult relationship. 🙂

Let me know how things go.

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