[Megz327]

I really just need some advice. I don’t know what to do and asking friends I feel they are bias. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to give as much info as I could.

My boyfriend is 24, I am 30 with a 6 year old, whom I have only half of the time. We’ve been together 2.5 years. We got together right before my mother passed unexpectedly, he was 21 and I was 27. It was fun, he was young, he didn’t have anything together in his life (he dropped out of school bc of bullying and he didn’t have his license, but it was really just someone to talk to and a good time). When my mom passed it was hard because I lived with her with my son and my sister wasn’t close by and my friends didn’t live close so all I had was this boy. So I clang to him and we had amazing times and a lot in common and we fell in love. I helped him get his life in order and he helped me get passed my darkest days. Things were good but always a little rocky because of his age and his inexperience with relationships. He didn’t know how to compromise his time with his friends and me or communicate. We tried to work on these things but lately I’ve realized he’s rather selfish and maybe its because of me. I went above and beyond for him and I guess in some ways mothered him. He would stay with me all the time and never contribute but it was okay in that moment. But now its been 2.5 years and I’m ready for more and he of course isn’t and I don’t know how long I should stay. We live about 25-30 minutes away from each other. I have my own apartment with my son part time, near my sons school. He lives with his parents in his hometown and all his friends are there. He and they never make plans. Its like they call him in the afternoon saying come over later and then he makes his plans for the night. So I never really know when to expect him because he doesn’t plan ahead. And when I then sometimes assume I’ll see him and then he has other plans or shows up hours later when its bed time, I get annoyed and I tell him this and it starts fights. We’ve had fights over stupid things lately, mainly him not planning things out or letting me know in advance so that I can rearrange with my son if it doesn’t mesh. But this last minute stuff makes me mad and pissed because then I can’t enjoy some things with him because it’s too late to switch things around. It seems like he only thinks of himself, what is good for him, what he wants to do and if I’m free I’m welcome to tag along but if not then screw me. He’s still doing it. He does this to family events as well. His friend come before everything. Yet I always make sure I remember his family events because if I couldn’t go, he would make me feel bad. I go out of my way for him all the time. I go to his softball games even if I’m tired from work and only see the last 15 minutes, because I know he likes me there. But with me it seems like its a struggle to do anything or plan anything because I know last minute something will come up and he’ll do that instead.

The final straw was this weekend, 4th of July. A week earlier he mentioned in passing about how he was going to his friends 4th of July party like he goes to every year. I had to ask “am I invited” and of course he said yes. But it was more like he was telling me what he was doing then bringing the invite to me and planning it out as a couple. I said I had my son and he said no problem, it’s a family party there will be other kids for him to play with. So that ended the convo. Next day I mentioned, you know I would have liked to discuss the day since I too had bbq invites and I would like to plan it out as a couple so we could do everything and end at your friends for the evening and fireworks. He said okay. And I said I’ll see how my son acts and the crowd to see how long I can say and he said “if he isn’t feeling it we can leave.” Now the week was busy and Friday night he worked till 2am at an event and he stayed at his house. I sent a message saying “please call me in the morning so we can discuss the day and plan it out as a couple, I don’t want to have a fight over it”. No next day his friend calls me looking for him and invites me to his party. I said yes that’s on the schedule to stop by. So then finally my boyfriend calls me and this friend asked him to help him set up. I said well okay but if that’s what’s going on, I’ll meet you at your house and we can figure it out and I guess head over. But no he had to leave then and didn’t understand why I needed to drive the 5 minutes from his house to the friends house together. I tried to make him understand that it’s not that I cant, it’s that I wanted to arrive together and go about the day together, why is that so hard. So he went and set up, did beer runs, and decided that his entire day was going to be spent there and I was welcome to come when I wanted. SO completely blew off the fact that I had other bbq invites and things I wanted to do. But like a little puppy I sucked it up and went over there with my son. Unlike usual though the family’s with kids didn’t come this year and it was a few adults and then 20-23 year old kids. Usually I don’t mind this but I have a 6 year old, almost 7 and their conversations were inappropriate around him. So we spent several hours picking berries and going swimming and then it was me left sitting by the pool myself while my son swam and my boyfriend and his friends were off have a great time. I don’t mind this but I wanted to spend time with my bf as well but was just left alone. So after swimming and noticing everyone was playing beer pong, it was time for me to leave. I couldn’t keep my son in that environment. So I told him and he was sort of mad I was leaving but made it clear he was staying. This hurt me now bc it was 6 hours later. He was with his friends for 6 hours but yet choose them for the rest of the night and I went to a family party and watched fireworks by myself. Even after him saying earlier in the week that if he wasn’t feeling it WE could leave (I assumed this meant him and I and my son). I wrote him a message saying I was done, I can’t do this anymore, I cant feel like the least important person all the time and not to contact me. And I was set to just take time. But of course yesterday after his fun weekend was over he shot me a message saying that “2.5 years you’re really going to just let it end like that” and basically made me feel guilty for being done but not at all apologizing or seeing how any of his actions hurt me and how they always hurt me and it never changes. It turned into a fight where he said I am always making a big deal about something. He is always blowing off his friends for me (I never ask this, he comes over, I assume he wants to, not that he’s blowing people off to come) and that ask any of his friends they never see him (he sees them several times a week and almost every night they play online games on Skype, how much more do you need to see each other???) and that he lost all his passions because of me because he has no time to record music (again if you don’t speak up how do I know that’s what you want to do and he could have gotten a place with me instead of setting up his little music studio in his bedroom at his parents house.) And after this I was done and emotional but done. And he insisted I come over and talk. And we did and basically he feels I am in the wrong for always asking him to spend time with me and making a big deal when he’s with his friends and that maybe we should take some time. And I explained that the only reasons we fight when he is hanging with his friends is because either he blew me off completely, or he said he would be over at 7pm and now its 9pm and he is still there, or because it was something exciting I thought we were doing together but he never gave me the final details or date so I couldn’t change around my son. And basically that I need more of a set schedule in a sense like every mon, wed, Saturday are our days but he didn’t want to plan it out like that.

So basically I don’t know what to do. I love him and we have fun together (when we’re not arguing) but it seems like the only way this relationship will work and be perfect (in his eyes) is if its completely on his terms. If I just go about my life and never plan or expect to see him and just treat it as a surprise if he decides to show up and just living in the moment. I’m 30, I want to know that I am in something that is leading somewhere. I want to get married someday and have a family and I feel like he cant give me any indication that this will eventually lead that way. He’s starting school in Sept so he’ll be traveling down or dorming or getting an apartment with a friend and then I’ll be just an hour away seeing him what, once a week. Instead of just getting an apartment with me (which is closer to school) and commuting or dorming a few nights a week. But something that makes me feel like we are moving to the next step. I don’t mind waiting 4 years for him to do school to get married etc, but he has to give me something to make it worth waiting.

I guess I just don’t know how much I should give and wait for him to finally grow up or if I should just end it now. I just want him to treat this relationship as its important and to make decisions and plans and things as a couple. Not just on his own. I feel like we’re still in the dating phase and after 2.5 years, I would expect it to be more. And it has been for a bit and then it’s a fight because he’s not getting enough friend time and he pulls back and we fight and almost break up and then we both decide we want to be in this and its me changing myself and working on myself to make this work while I don’t feel he listens to my needs and wants at all nor is willing to do anything different than he’s doing and of course having 20-23 year old friends doesn’t help bc they’re all single or with tons of girls and no one has any sense of responsibility or how an actual relationship should go and they are the one weighing in their thoughts to him and who he’s venting to.

So advice please if you read all this. Is love really worth sticking something out through thick and thin or is it time to walk away and see if he changes his tune or I find someone else?

Thank you so much!
Megan

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

You’re a 30 year old single mother, dating a 24 year old guy who’s about to become a college freshman. There’s a big gap in your lifestyles. My advice is to accept that you had two and a half good years, but that the reasons you got together in the first place, no longer exist. Now, you’re looking for a responsible man who’s interested in creating a stable relationship and family environment for your son, and who wants to marry sooner than later. This guy is going to go from living with his parents, to living in a college dorm atmosphere. He wants a relationship on his terms — you want a relationship on your terms. The issue here is compatibility. It’s just not there any more, and it’s no one’s fault. Don’t let the past hold you back. It’s very clearly time for you to move on. If you don’t, you’re going to get angrier and angrier about your failure to try and change him into someone he isn’t.

I hope that helps.

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