[ElpGuy]

I have decided to get some outside advice about my relationship from someone other than my family. Here is the story. I have been married and was divorced after my ex-wife left me for another woman. The girl I am dating I have known since 2000. We were good friends and I always had a crush on her. After the divorce started I started talking to my girlfriend again. During the time I lost my job in the other city I lived in. I decided to move in with family (854 miles) to be closer to her and make our relationship more solid. We spent more and more time to fighting then loving each other but we both wanted to make it work. We fight about stupid things in my eyes. I have wanted to get married for a while now. I hated having to wait in what she said to be 5 years. For me I am tried of fighting and exhausted. Recently we sat down and had to talk about things between us. We supposedly fixed things but I just agreed to things because I am tired of fighting.

She hates the way I do my hair and demanded that I changed it. She decided that we need to come to an “agreed” haircut since I didn’t want to do my hair spiked up. She wants me to go through and convert to Catholicism. She wants this so we can get married in a big church and that it has to be catholic. She also demanded that I get an annulment so that I can be married and be converted to catholic. She wants our kids to be raised catholic. I like to play computer games and have a few games that I play on my phone. She has said I can’t be with someone who plays games that are on the computer. She demands that I let her choose the ring she gets engaged with because I have no style or ability to get what she will want.

She gets mad that I don’t go over to her house and see her or that I don’t go through and drive over to see her all the time. I see that she wants me to come over but she never makes the effort to drive to my house. She gives me the excuse she doesn’t like driving at night and or that she doesn’t feel comfortable at my house because she thinks my family hates her. Yet her sister hates me and we will fight in front of sister. When I go over to her house it is a combination of listening to her complain about her day. Also her family speaks spanish in front of me and they don’t care or bothered by it. Her sister will watch the TV shows that are in spanish even with me sitting there.

Personally I feel the relationship is uneven. It is always her way. She was able to drive just fine when she wanted to go out with her friends to clubs and drink. My family doesn’t like her they tell me about how she controls me. I try to fight to keep her sometimes but I have been feeling it is time to go. I want to get married and have kids. But yet she wants to plan a wedding that will take 1.5 years from the date we get engaged.

When I fight with her she tells me that if I love her then I won’t want to game and that she is worth me changing my religion. Help?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve talked a lot about her, but you haven’t really talked about yourself. It’s easy to blame others for bad behavior, but it’s harder to take responsibility for your part in a relationship where the dynamic is uneven or dysfunctional. But the real problem isn’t your relationship – it’s that you haven’t gotten back on track and recovered from your job loss and divorce. When you’re not living in your parents’ home, and you have a job again, that’s when you’ll really be ready to get married. I know you want to get married sooner than later, but since you’re now living with your parents, and she’s living with her parents, where will you live? How will you support yourselves? You’re distracting yourself from your real problems with this relationship issue. Get your own ducks in a row first, and then…. consider marriage.

As for the relationship, if you’re fine with your haircut and your religion being a joint decision instead of a personal one, then there’s no problem. If you’re not okay with it then it’s a problem. Rather than pass judgment on her wanting you to be a certain religion or have a particular haircut, decide if these things are deal breakers for you, and if the communication and the process by which the two of you make relationship decisions works for you or not. 😉

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[ElpGuy]

I would love to respond back but before I do, I would like to thank you for your response.

Very true and fair enough to look at myself for bad behavior. Her points in arguments against me is that I don’t talk enough. I don’t send her a text in the morning when I am up saying “Good Morning. I love you” or some variation of that. This is correct I usually wake up later in the day (mainly due to a now being treated moderate case of sleep apena). When I do get up I am working on reviewing case work for that day. I do play video games and prior to my relationship with her I was a major computer gamer. I started a business online and majority of my clients were gamers as well. I use it as a “get away” and a “relaxation” tool. In other arguments it is because I do not provide her with the feeling that “I care” or that “I love her”. That previously I was all over her and I was always driving to her house to be with her and that has now changed. This is true I don’t drive to her house as much anymore sometimes I get off work late and am tired and other times I feel personally that she should be able to get in her car and drive. For several weeks my personal car was down and had to be repaired. I had a company vehicle that we are not permitted to use for personal use (can be terminated for it).

At one point I lived in her house. For Thanksgiving I was told to plan on spending it with her and her family and not mine. When I pushed back stating my family wanted us to go there she said no. It ended up being a fight that she said “Either you come with me or you pack your stuff and move.” I did just that packed my stuff and moved out.

I do agree I could be more “loving” in the way she wants. That would make her happy. But then it becomes a chore to do. It wouldn’t be natural. I have had to set an automatic timer on my phone to do my “early morning” text. To avoid that fight. As for the money and getting our ducks in a row… I do have a job. I do live with my parents only because it is cost effective for me. She makes over 70K a year and moving out would pose no problem (Aside from her car she has 0 debt and I on the other hand am doing a bankruptcy filing due to the divorce and medical debts). Aside from the fact she doesn’t “want to move”. She believes that she is going to live close to her father or her sister and doesn’t matter what I say.

To me the challenge of the hair cut is that I don’t like spending 20 minutes in front of a mirror to do my hair. I know for some ladies they would love 20 minutes. For me I don’t. The religion it is something that to me I feel it is her deal breaker and not mine. For me I don’t care about it. What I don’t want to do is have to convert to a religion that I don’t agree with. Although I can tolerate it and live with the differences in the two, I feel personally it is wrong. She disagrees and states it is her dreams.

My view on the relationship is this: I have been with her for 3.5 years. I have survived each fight we have had. From fights where she got physical, to the day after we started dating her watching her ex on a web cam doing some adult activities. I have moved from where I would make twice as much money as I do now. I have worked around the crazyness of expectations (if you make plans with me you better keep them I don’t care if you are helping your elderly grandmother, drive to my house, rub my back all the time, hair has to be done a certain way, etc), it will be my wedding and you will have no say, I will choose my engagement ring, we will have separate checking accounts, and to top it all off after a fight she took back the Christmas presents she gave me. I have loved her and remained faithful. At some point it is time to move on. Yes, I agree with you if I still had no job I would agree marriage is not right now. I was on unemployment for two years while she was finish her masters up. I paid for all the nights out and I paid for the driving to and from her house. I had to give her my car for 3 months because she didn’t trust hers for when she did her fieldwork in a different city. I paid for all the bills (car payment had to add her to my insurance policy, and the oil changes), and when the car broke down I paid for the repairs and her to have a rental car for the the week it took the car to be repaired. At which point does one get to look at life and say “I feel I have done enough to prove myself worthy.”?

Am I a bad person to say “I don’t want to change my religion for you, it is not because I don’t love you but I don’t agree with forcing someone to do something like that?” Or “I feel it is fair that if you want to go shopping and buy an expensive purse, 4 pairs of shoes (not kidding 4 pairs in one day a year ago and they are still in that box), it is fair I get to do the things I like?

Granted I have had my moments. I have done the stupid things in my life and I have done my fair share of wrongs. Though I have never had the position to tell her “change this for me or we won’t be together.”

Her view (as I recall) of the relationship: It has been 3.5 years but I believe that 4 years of dating is great and it will take two years to plan the perfect wedding. When you do the hair style you have then you look like an old man and I don’t like it. You are wasting time and energy playing a stupid game. Yes I buy expensive things but that is because I like them. Being Catholic is what I was raised my whole life and I won’t change that (though I am having sex out of wedlock and I don’t go to church but on important holidays). The wedding is my dream and I have been planning it since I was a little girl. You have no sense of style and yet you think you do. I understand that you feel that the ring is your gift to me but I want something I can show off to everyone and make them jealous. If I am worth marrying to you then making these changes for me is a not hard. If you love me that is then you will do this. No I won’t go to relationship counseling with you because I am not having someone know about our problems.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re being really wishy-washy. 🙁 You’re still talking about her and not you.

What do YOU want in a woman and in a relationship?

What are your deal breakers?

Does this woman give you what you want? And if not, why are you still with her?

Until you’re willing to stand up and say what it is you want and what your deal breakers are, you’ll never be able to answer the question, “Stay, walk or run?” It’s pretty clear that your girlfriend chooses to live with her family because she wants to — not because she has to, so if you’re involved with her you’re going to be involved with her family. She has been very clear with her deal breakers, but you haven’t been clear with her about yours. And yet…. you’re complaining about her, which isn’t fair. Is her family involvement a deal breaker for you? Is your religious difference going to be a deal breaker? Instead of complaining, decide and act.

On the other hand, you’re doing the same thing — living with your family not because you have to, but because you want to, and it seems like Thanksgiving with your family was a line in the sand for you….

This problem isn’t about her. It’s about [b]you[/b] knowing what you want in a relationship and being able to articulate it in a few sentences. You’re rambling on about her so you don’t have to face yourself. 😉 You have to change the dynamic in the relationship by knowing what you want, what you’ll go along with, and what you won’t, and then being clear about all of that.

I’m not sure how old you are, but it’s time for YOU to answer the questions I’ve posed above. 🙂 Your life will be a lot easier when you do.

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[ElpGuy]

April,

I wanted to say thank you for your time. I am 28 years old. I can see I do need to do a lot of soul searching on the subject. I am very thankful for your taking the time and giving me the view I was looking for.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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