[bloodiscles]

I am in a long-distance relationship for a year now. My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and he visits me every weekend. We had a fight last week; it was nothing big really. I did not text him and went to bed early. At around 2 AM, I received a message from him saying he’s confused with his feelings and with every thing. I asked him hisfl feelings towards me have changed. I asked him if it was me but he said it’s just him. He said he wants to be alone for a while but I told him to cut the crap and tell me if this is something to do with the state of our relationship. He said it’s not about the distance nor the text messages. He said it’s about the love. So I asked him if he’s breaking up with me but he said nothing (we spoke on the phone).

Now I talked to his mom and told me that her son’s having a financial crisis and he said those things to me because of said problem. My older sister said the same thing. But I don’t think it has something to do with that. How can that financial issue be connected to the fact that he is falling out of love?

This morning I talked to him on the phone and asked him how he was going. He said still the same. I did not ask for touchy subjects but I couldn’t resist and end up telling him that I am willing to fix this problem. And I told him that he needs to find himself. And he said “alright” then hung up.

He also block my number (i called his mother’s phone) and he said he is not ready to talk really. He and I are still in a relationship in Facebook. The thing is, I don’t really know if the root of these is his financial problem or his really tired of me. I don’t want to lose him. I still show him that I care, that he is always on my mind. His mom told me that this will pass. I don’t want him to go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

People say what they are able to say to break up. It isn’t always the truth, but it’s usually the best they can do. He may have told you that he’s falling out of love because he was ashamed to tell you about his financial problems. Sometimes people use the line, “It’s not you — it’s me,” as a blanket break up reason. The financial problems seem like they are probably a very big part of his wanting to break up.

Men attach finances to their self worth in ways that women don’t, and it may be difficult for you to understand that his money problems are causing the break up. When someone is in a relationship, they have to take care of themselves first, and then the relationship. When they’re not okay, they will have a lot of difficulty having a relationship. His finances are not okay, so he’s not okay, and he’s broken up with you so he doesn’t have to face these problems with you — or because he needs the time and space he was dedicating to the relationship, to focus on his career.

I’m really sorry you’re hurt. I understand why you would be. But since he’s blocked your phone number, he’s being pretty clear he doesn’t want to talk to you right now. If you try to, you’re just going to give him another excuse for the break up and he’ll focus on you not respecting his space, instead of the real reasons for the break up. I think you should give him some space and in a few weeks, send him a little gift and a note letting him know you’ve been thinking of him, you miss him, and you hope that he’s doing well. This isn’t one that you can fix if the money issues are truly the reason for the break up — he has to.

As for you, you should surround yourself with supportive friends and family and get out there and stay busy and take care of yourself. Stay nurtured and stay strong so you can get through this. Whether or not he turns his life around and comes back to you is out of your control, but taking care of yourself is not. 😉

[bloodiscles]

Hello. Thank you for this one and beginning to understand. However, we are not officially breakinh up. He just didn’t answer every time I bring words like “break up” or “give up”. Back then I interpreted it as him being inferior of his short comings. He told me that he used to call me even at 2 AM or he would find a way to see me if our day off from work are not the same. I told him I alright with it, considering we’re both busy at work. He insisted that he’s busier in his former job. I cried to him and told him I am having difficulty with this and he said , “you are not the only one”. He said that he cannot accept that he’s changing. I don’t know if he is usinh the time I gave him to re assess himself.

[bloodiscles]

Also, I tols him I would give him all the time that he needs. He did not say anything other than “ok”. He really tends to keep his problems to himself. I was a little aware that he has problems like with his brother, he got sick and was shocked by his hospital bills, and the fact that I paid for every thing the last time went out.

Friends told me that I just have to be patient.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Patience is a virtue, but you need to be realistic so you’re not dragged into a long, drawn-out break up. When a guy tells you he needs space, and then blocks your number so you can’t call his phone, that’s a break up. It may not be official, but it’s real. When you asked him if this is a break up and he couldn’t answer, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a break up. It just means that he wasn’t able to say the words. If he didn’t want a break up, he would have quickly told you you were wrong, that he wants to continue seeing you.

I know this is depressing. There is no easy way around this sort of thing, but staying clear about what’s going on will help. 😉

[bloodiscles]

Finally retrieved my password. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I asked for an advice here weeks ago about my bf saying that he was confused. I went to his place yesterday and finally had some answers. He said he can’t be happy with someone. Even with me. Or with any woman. He said he sees himself alone for the rest of his life. I don’t really understand. I asked him why did he pursue me in the first place and he said that he thought he would be happy again. He said it’s the same. So this whole time it wasn’t his exes that had a problem, but it was him.

I told him we can start again. Not now but maybe once he is ready. He just shook his head and said “you need to live”. I then asked him, “what now? You are breaking up with me? Because I am not going to do it. I am holding on to this.” He did not say anything. I am willing to wait for him but I told him that sooner or later my patience will run out. He unblocked my number and he replied if I message him. As much as I am glad that I have some answers for his behavior that made me crazy for two weeks, I still don’t understand this whole “I see myself alone forever” thing. My friends told me that he might be saying that because he might be with someone else. I can’t let him and I know this sounds foolish but I know in my heart that he’ll come back.

I even told him that I don’t want to open my heart to someone else. He said he won’t do the same because he won’t let anyone near his heart ever. Sometimes I think he is just trying different types of girls and he uses that “I can’t be happy with someone” to validate his excuse. I also associate it to the fact that he is still young (he’ll be 24 on April and I’ll be 26 in June), and at this age he still needs to mature. I let him be for a while because he is still not okay.

UPDATE: I found out earlier that he was talking to his ex-girlfriend. But there were no intimate messages in there. So I also found out that he told her that he and I are over. That was January 30th. He said that to her, yet he can’t say it to me. The ex was like encouraging him to think long and hard, stating, “Are you sure? Maybe you’re just confused”. And he replied, “Yes, I am sure.” I know I don’t have the right to be jealous anymore, but he’s acting that’s he’s happy. He even asked her to hang out and send her some pastries he bakes.

His dad told me that if we’re meant to be, we’re meant to be. He said that his son still cares for me despite of how he feels right now. He and I just finished talking in Facebook and he ended the relationship saying that he doesn’t need to explain who he’s talking to about us because it’s all over. He said we wants to be alone, he wants to do things alone. I asked him for how long and he said, “until my heart tells me to stop being alone”. I don’t really understand these types of people. In this case, does he still have a chance to be recovered and turn into a man I used to love? After that break up, we were casually talking and I told him that he will never be alone forever. It’s as if that is going to convince him. I am still hoping for him to come back. Because he and I never met before, he was in this website and followed me in 2010 and did not say anything until 2013. So I connect that that we are destined to be together because he’s a guy I found in the Internet and I thought that he’s the one. Then, he turned into this man that has lost his love for me entirely. He left me damaged and all he can say is sorry. I don’t know how long I can live with myself feeling like this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Fill me on one thing you just wrote:

[quote]Because he and I never met before, he was in this website and followed me in 2010 and did not say anything until 2013. [/quote]

I know you wrote that you’re in a long distance relationship, and that the two of you live an hour apart…. but have you ever met in person?

[bloodiscles]

Yes, we met. He’s in an hour away from me. We see each other every weekend. We are in this website called Tumblr and I was in my sophomore year in college. The site is like Twitter, with followers and like that, so he me followed around 2010. I just viewed his profile and didn’t say anything. He did the same, he only liked some of my posts during that time. I graduated in 2013 had a job at a school and that’s where he messaged me. We started talking until 2 AM and sometimes I often forgot to respond since I was really busy at work. So usually, I receive two same messages from him because he might think I am ignoring him. Anyway, he and I hit it off since we both have the same interests. It then extended to phone calls. Weeks went by and he told he loved me. And I asked him, “that is really heavy. Are you sure about that?” I admitted to him that I can’t say i love you too since I am not really ready yet. He said was fine by it that he was not asking for anything to return. He just wants to tell me that he loves me. September came and I gave in. That’s when we became official. He even told me that he fell in love with me the moment he saw my profile in Tumblr. His students ask him for his crush and he showed them my photo and even brag to them that he will see me again real soon.

The distance never fazed him. I can see that he was fully devoted . He tells me his future with me; he often ask me when I’ll get married or he would say that he and I will adopt a cat real soon. He even coined the term “partner” for us. Because he said I am not just his girlfriend but his partner to every thing.

So on that day he started with this changes, I am really confused. Hence, the damage that he left in my heart, in my soul. Because of what happened, I now hate the night, the silence because the night brings another new day where I have to get used to him not calling or texting me or telling me he’s on his way to work. It tore me apart. So how can a man like that suddenly became just an empty shell? I am lost and I don’t know how long I’ll heal now that he fully tore my heart and mind into pieces.

[bloodiscles]

What I meant “never before” was we did not have mutual friends. He just happened to be a random guy browsing in that site. So I can say that destiny brought us. That’s why I am hoping in my heart that he and I will come back to each other.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you for filling me in.

It sounds like he’s broken up with you, and the reason is less important the reality that it’s over. As I said when you first wrote in here, people say what they are able to say to break up, and it isn’t always clear, kind, or what you want to hear, but it’s the best they can do. I know you want him not to break up with you, and you want to fight and stay in it as long as you can, the reality is that it takes two people to make this work — and only one to walk out on it.

I know you’re hurt and you’re trying to look for the pot hole that you stepped in, so you can fill it in and fix things, but I don’t think that this is about you. I think he’s a 24 year old guy who’s not ready for a commitment to anyone, not just you. That’s why he left the relationship. It’s not that he doesn’t care for you or even love you — he doesn’t want the same things you do at the same time. That’s why you need to make a relationship work. You can bake a cake, but if you leave out sugar or flour, it doesn’t matter that the other ingredients are there — the cake won’t taste right. Nobody will want to eat it, and it’s basically a failed cake. You’ve got a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want to be in it. Why is less important than his absence.

I think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. Stop talking to him and look for people in your own circles, to date. You’ll feel a lot better when you put some distance between you and this break up, so take care of yourself, and move forward, looking for people who want to be with you, and have shared goals. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[bloodiscles]

Is it foolish of me to wait for him? Because I can’t see myself moving forward in the future without him. I also found out that he doesn’t see a future with me so I kick myself for thinking he’ll come back once he is ready. I am even confused of myself.

I am such a sucker for people who got back from their ex and had a very strong relationship. I often wish it will be the same for him and I.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Is it foolish of me to wait for him? [/quote]

I do think it’s foolish to wait around for him to come back to you. I think you should be open if he does, but you should definitely not wait. Ironically, guys will be more likely to be interested in someone they’ve broken up with, when those women start to move on, so, don’t wait, and do move forward with your life. If he comes back, you can decide how to handle things. If he doesn’t, you’ll be no worse off.

[quote]Because I can’t see myself moving forward in the future without him. [/quote]

That’s because you haven’t accepted the break up. If he’s not interested in dating you, there is no future, and you will wind up alone waiting for someone who isn’t coming. 😳 Reality will help you move on, so the more you accept that and the less you try and live with the wool pulled over your eyes, the easier it will be for you to accept your future without — and with someone else! 😎

[quote]I also found out that he doesn’t see a future with me so I kick myself for thinking he’ll come back once he is ready. I am even confused of myself.[/quote]

You’re not confused. You’re disappointed. He’s not into you and you wish he was, so you cling to shreds of what once was, to try and confuse yourself because confusion is better than disappointment. Accept the reality and the rejection and use it to process the hurt, heal and move on. 😉

[bloodiscles]

Thank you for this.

But I have another concern though. I know this is not important anymore seeing he and I are over but I ended up hacking his Facebook the day before the break up and saw message exchange with his girlfriend. I saw that he is confiding in her, but most of the time he is inviting her to go someplace or he offers to bring her some pastries that he baked. He sounds happy in the conversation and I confronted him about it. He said that he doesn’t communicate with her all time. He even told me she was the first one to know about our problem. I am now becoming paranoid because he might not be truthful to his reason why he broke up with me. It’s like he’s getting attention from her. The night he broke up with me he even said, “why does it even matter?” Is it possible he wants to get back at his ex?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, it is possible he wants to get back with his ex.

[Sally]

Financial stress can mess with someone’s head and emotions, especially for men who tie their self-worth to providing. So yes, that could be part of what’s going on. But blocking you, asking for space, and saying he’s confused about love are bigger than just money. When someone pulls away like that, it usually means they’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to show up anymore.

What hurts most is that you’re still trying while he’s shutting doors. You can care, but you can’t chase someone who’s asking to be alone. That only makes you feel smaller and more anxious.

Right now, the best thing you can do even though it’s the hardest is stop pushing. Let him have the space he asked for. Not to punish him, but to protect your heart. If he comes back, it should be because he chose to, not because you held everything together alone.
You’re not wrong for loving him. Just don’t lose yourself waiting in silence.

[Member]

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