[seperatedbutinlove]

Hello,
My friends/family think im crazy and should just move on, I have been separated from the wife for just over a year, for the first six months I was a real idiot and put a lot of the blame on her, since then I have had counseling and do truly accept the parts where I went wrong and have rectified my behavior, did silly things in the fist six months like stop giving additional money which amounted to approx £800 (still gave beyond what allomoney/maintenance I should be giving) I still have deep feelings for my ex we have 4 beautiful children.
I would really like to get things on track but she cant get over the hurt, she is struggling financially and with the kids and is under severe stress I cant see her like this as I know I am to blame, my friends say that she has made a choice to be alone so I should not feel guilty that she is struggling but I do, so confused.

[seperatedbutinlove]

What should I do. Should I call it a day or continue fighting for the relationship ?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure why you separated, and why you’re not divorced, but those are the issues you need to address with your ex-wife. If she’s under a lot of stress, it’s going to be a lot harder to get her on board, but try and talk to her about what went wrong, and how you’d like to get back together with her and have things be different. It doesn’t sound like there’s been any talk of reconciliation and if you have four children together, the stakes are high enough that if you can make some changes — and so can she — you may have a shot at a reunion.

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[seperatedbutinlove]

We have discussed reconciliation early on, and went for counseling she said that she didnt recognize the man I was and was adament that she wanted a divorce (this was 5months ago), and I understand why she felt this way i spent to much time working to alleviate our financial troubles and was on anti-depressants at the time and so was she, I did help with the kids but didnt help as much as I should around the house (I was working two jobs, setting my own business up and studying).
I did all these things because we did not like our financial situation we were in considerable debt.
She didnt want to file for divorce due to the cost even though my friends and her family have offered her the money. I have suggested counseling again as I have genuinely changed (de stressed my life considerably) and do believe we can get back on track, but I am in limbo thankfully she has not filed for divorce and this gives me some hope, but on the other hand she says it will not work. Over the past month we have been getting on very well, no arguing etc

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks for filling in the blanks! 🙂 It sounds like you had a lot of stress in your marriage with your working two jobs, studying — I assume for a college degree — and raising children (you didn’t mention how many or how old they are). Alleviating the stress by downsizing and making lifestyle changes is a good step in the right direction — but for many people this is difficult. For instance, getting a smaller home where your kids have to share a bedroom, but using the extra money for childcare and babysitting so you and your wife have some relief is one idea. Giving up a house to live in an apartment, but using the extra money to reduce debt or start savings, is another idea. If your ex-wife is willing and able to do this, either alone or with you, she’ll be in a better place emotionally as well as financially. But she may be stuck and not willing to do this. In fact, she may be blaming you so she doesn’t have to face the hard choices she has to make. Divorce is a difficult choice, but for some people, it’s not as difficult as changing their own lives themselves.

When she said that she didn’t recognize the man you had become, it sounds like she lost the feeling of intimacy, romance and companionship she had when you were dating and maybe early in the marriage. That’s the second thing you need to focus on in order to get her back in the game. However… there is only so much you can do. She has a responsibility and a part in the decision to get back together or not.

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