[mrwigand]

Hello,

My name is Alex, and I’m a 28 year old male. And, honestly, I’m still reeling from my breakup with my “first love”. It was a short, chaotic, and deeply intense, intimate relationship in which I felt my highest highs—and also my lowest lows. It’s hard to explain my feelings at this point. Even though I loved this woman, I felt like I was driven to leave her for my own good. This woman, let’s call her Marie, was still dealing with an abusive ex that for whatever toxic reason she couldn’t—or wouldn’t—remove from her life. I tried to support her through this, but eventually it felt like she was inviting the toxicity into her life and placing this relationship above our own. I don’t believe she had a romantic affair with this person, but the depth of their toxic enmeshment certainly felt like an emotional affair to me, and that wounded me to my core. It left me with profound feelings of insecurity—this feeling that I wasn’t enough. I’ve since learned that Marie was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I don’t offer up as an indictment or some kind of indication of her “craziness”, but perhaps it explains it behavior.

In the immediate aftermath of the breakup, I was shattered, and it took me some time to get through the visceral emotional pain. It wasn’t easy, and the fact that I had to maintain communication with Marie so she could pay me back some money only delayed my healing. I’m very lucky to have great friends and family who have supported me throughout all of it. And I’m proud of myself as well. Since the breakup, I’ve improved my situation professionally and creatively, strengthened my friendships, and learned to manage the pain from this heartbreak. The keyword being “manage” as opposed to “heal”. From the outside looking in, I think anyone would tell you that I’m doing great, and the truth is I do think I’m doing great in a lot of ways. I love my friends, family, and co-workers, and I couldn’t be happier in the time I’m able to spend with them.

But…

In the moments when I’m not with friends and family, actively engaged in some positive, fun activity, I still feel deeply hurt, and my mind still pours over the heartbreaking minutiae of my past relationship. I’ve become very good at compartmentalizing all of it, but I haven’t crossed that threshold yet where I feel fully healed. It’s been 7 months since Marie and I had any significant contact and a little less than a year since the breakup, and I fear for the fact that I haven’t yet detached. To this day, the emotions can still be quite potent when I feel triggered. For instance, I ran into Marie and her new boyfriend at a mutual friend’s going away party. I hugged her, exchanged some kind words, but the truth was it was incredibly painful to be around her and I left the party prematurely.

I suppose I’m looking for two things: perspective and advice. I persistently tell myself that this was the first woman I loved, and perhaps I was more rocked by the dysfunction I encountered than I’d like to admit and that’s why it’s taken so long to heal. Do you have any advice for someone in my situation? Is it uncommon to experience this? Are there ways I can better facilitate my healing?

Thank you so much for reading.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry for your pain, and I’m glad that you made what really sounds like the right decision. What you’re going through now — the feelings, the timeline, the triggers — are all normal. It’s very easy for a breakup to still feel painful a year later…. and sometimes, depending on the relationship, it can even take longer. But the trick is to allow yourself to grieve and feel sad, but not to wallow in those feelings. Figure out what triggers happiness (puppies!? football?! funny movies?!) and balance your life. Eventually, you’ll have more happy experiences than sad ones. Try this exercise that I recommend to people who are single and interesting in being more accessible and available to meet others: Smile and make small talk (one or two sentences at the least) with 20 new women every day! That alone, should get you out of your rut. There’s something about smiling at someone, and their smiling back at you that just warms the heart — even if it’s a stranger.

You did the right thing and you’re going to be okay. Now start adding things into your life that make you feel good, and know that seeing her with a new boyfriend is bound to make you feel sad, angry, depressed — and that’s okay. It’s temporary.

[mrwigand]

[quote=”April Masini”]I’m sorry for your pain, and I’m glad that you made what really sounds like the right decision. What you’re going through now — the feelings, the timeline, the triggers — are all normal. It’s very easy for a breakup to still feel painful a year later…. and sometimes, depending on the relationship, it can even take longer. But the trick is to allow yourself to grieve and feel sad, but not to wallow in those feelings. Figure out what triggers happiness (puppies!? football?! funny movies?!) and balance your life. Eventually, you’ll have more happy experiences than sad ones. Try this exercise that I recommend to people who are single and interesting in being more accessible and available to meet others: Smile and make small talk (one or two sentences at the least) with 20 new women every day! That alone, should get you out of your rut. There’s something about smiling at someone, and their smiling back at you that just warms the heart — even if it’s a stranger.

You did the right thing and you’re going to be okay. Now start adding things into your life that make you feel good, and know that seeing her with a new boyfriend is bound to make you feel sad, angry, depressed — and that’s okay. It’s temporary.[/quote]

Thank you so much! I appreciate your advice and the fact that you graciously indulged my emo lol. Also, that exercise you recommended sounds fun!

Thanks again, and I will definitely take everything you said to heart 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 😀

[Member]

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