[KennyGAz]

I realize my headline probably makes me public enemy #1…but please give me a chance.

Long story short i was a swinger with from 2001-2012…after our divorced, (swinging had zero to do with it) I had planned on continuing in the lifestyle because I believe in it. So I entered the dating world…for three years I have used my ex as a measuring stick. I can’t say a thing bad about her, she is truly the most amazing person I had ever met. Two weeks after meeting her, I knew I would marry her. No woman fair or unfair has come close since…and that has zero to do with swinging. She is just a quality woman.

Fast forward to now.

After about giving up on finding someone I met Alex (not her name). After two AMAZING dates I realized that she could be a notch above my ex…and if I was a betting man I would say I will be with her forever. I am. However…Alex has had a TERRIBLE life when it comes to men. EVERY SINGLE ONE has cheated on her, abused her at times and was very lying and deceitful to her. I wouldn’t blame her if she started dating women.

As for me, I have tremendous integrity, good communication skills and I simply can’t lie or cheat. In swinging I would be an idiot too…but regardless, I simply don’t. So given Alex’s past, I had to come forward with my past to tell her the truth. I did. I told her that before we moved forward I had to tell her the truth even though I knew it could kill our relationship. So I told her that I was a swinger and that with her I had zero interest of ever going back to it. It’s worth noting that I am 55 yrs old…so given I found my perfect match (granted after two dates) at this age, I honestly believed I am not going backwards.

So here comes the question. We both are head over heels with each other, but upon finding this out about me, Alex took a step back. She said, ” I don’t know if I can let my heart get more attached to you, I have to think about this and figure out how I feel.” To narrow it down…she is wondering WHAT IF…somewhere down the road I get an itch and want to go back that our lifestyle is just to boring. Would I? She said that she sees attractive women at this bar and grill wearing little to nothing…does he want to bring them home with us?

Call it insecurity or lack of trust…but it is very real to her. I don’t want to lose possibility the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can understand dating and finding out we aren’t a match in the future. But I don’t want to go down in flames because I was honest from the start. I know that I would treat her better than she had ever been treated before…but that little voice in her head keeps telling her, what if? Maybe it’s like a guy that abuses his wife a couple times…he says he will never do it again, but in her mind…she thinks otherwise?

She wants space to think…I am giving it to her, it’s tough…for me I worry about out of sight out of mind. Is there anything I can do to help the situation? How can I get her to trust me and give us a chance? To give herself a chance at real happiness? I know she’s worried about being hurt, but that shouldn’t cripple you from having an amazing relationship, right?

I’d like to think this is true,

“Trusting helps you suffer less.”
― Aniekee Tochukwu

Any advice that could help her trust men again…me?
K

[AskApril Masini]

Just to clarify…. this isn’t happening because you were honest. Honesty is expected and shouldn’t be something you get rewarded for. It should be the baseline. What’s happening is because of an incompatibility between your past and her past. Just want to make sure you don’t blame honesty for what’s occurring. You have a decade plus experience with a lifestyle that carries a different value set than her lifestyle. And sometimes, that’s a deal breaker. Deal breakers can be religion, finances, wanting kids vs. not wanting kids, and sexual lifestyles. Some people won’t date a non-drinking alcoholic because they used to have problems with alcohol, in spite of being sober for years. Some people won’t date those with a criminal record because in spite of living an upstanding life for years, the past bothers them. And while I appreciate that you’re reformed, you didn’t dabble. You were committed to this lifestyle and that’s what’s troubling her given her past. Because of the emotional baggage she brings to the table, she’s not sure she wants to date someone with your particular past. It’s great that this all came out by the second date, so you both don’t waste time if this is a deal breaker. For now, I think you have to respect her process… and continue your honesty.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[KennyGAz]

Yes. It helps…but it sucks. lol

I agree…honesty is what I am hitching it to, but clearly in her mind (she hasn’t said so but) she was cheated on all her life, “why wouldn’t he cheat…he’s a likely candidate”. Like you said…I had to be honest with her. The one thing I learned in my marriage was honestly and communication. It’s what that lifestyle promoted for us…things that most marriages have never had. I just think being apart doesn’t fix anything…I dunno…I just think being able to show her what trust, honesty and respect looks like can push the thoughts out of her head.

But…maybe you are right…maybe it’s impossible.

I’ll give her (her) space…but I will ask one more question…do I check in with her (just to say hello not ask her if she made a decision) or do I let her make the contact? BTW…she has made contact several times, so I know I am on her mind at the least. Is it wrong for me to contact her? ie I know she has a big work event out of town, her mother is ill going in for surgery…and I’d like to sincerely check on her…but not if it breaks the code of “space”.

Thank you again for taking the time.

[AskApril Masini]

You should definitely check in with her — even ask her out. You want to date her, and that’s fine. She’s just bringing a lot of baggage to the table and the ball’s in her court. You can stay the course and let her know you think she’s awesome and you want to date her… and she can yes or no. So, yeah, go ahead and contact her! Just keep your expectations in check.

[Member]

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