[jhall8977]

I have a strange problem. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year, we were married 10 years ago and I had moved to a different state to be with him since we realized that we both still have very strong fillings for each other. 6 months into the relationship it started getting rocky because I crave allot of attention and he started backing off, no longer the “new relationship” status. But now it has gotten worse, he has his female friends and I have expressed my interest in him introducing me to them and he gets upset, it makes me feel more comfortable in our trusting if that is done since I have been cheated on before. Now he his always texting and talking to a female that is married but is currently separated fro her husband of 7 years due to cheating. He has told her that he is single and IS acting single that way he can “help her learn to trust other men”. He tells me I have nothing to worry about that he will tell her he is dating me later once she realizes there are other men out there and will stop talking to her then. It bothers me that he has to lie and then talk to her the way he does, even though I can hear his conversation, but he can’t be in the same room as me because he has to be convincing and it is hard to do with me there. When I ask him questions about their phone & text conversations he gets a little upset but does tell me. I love him and I sort of believe him but it hurts having to go through this. We do have 2 kids together and that is something I have to think about. Am I just freaking out for no reason or what?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not freaking out for no reason. Your boyfriend and the father of your two children is cheating on you. He may think that because he’s not having sex with these women he’s clear, but he’s not. He’s also not respecting your feelings — or this other woman who doesn’t know he’s dating you! Your boyfriend cares more about his own life and ego right now than he does for you or your relationship together.

It’s not clear from your post if you were married to your current boyfriend 10 years ago and still are, or if you were married to each other and then not together until six months ago, or if you were married to other people 10 years ago — that would help to get clarified. Are you still married to other people?

You may love him now, but if he continues having a single life and a married or “monogamous” life, you’re going to get more and more frustrated, angry, and continue to feel betrayed. It will get worse, which you already understand. As much as I don’t advocate having “the talk” it sounds like you are living together with your two children, and because a family is at stake here, it’s time to tell him that you are looking for a monogamous relationship that doesn’t include his (or your) having opposite sex “mentees” or whatever he calls the female friends he has. Tell him that this is going to be a deal breaker because you want to have a stable environment for your children which requires your need for no other women in his life, and that if the two of you don’t want the same thing it’s time to part ways.

Love is not enough in the long term, especially when there are children involved. Love is important, but respect and good behavior are the real glue that hold relationships together through the rocky times that occur in every life and relationship. The damage you’ll both do to your children by staying in an unhappy, discordant and combative (which this will become) relationship is not worth the price of being in it.

I know you’re in a tough spot, but you are now required to do some tough decision making and hard work to make your life healthy. And so is he. Good luck! 🙂

[Member]

Posts