[Anonymous]

I have been married for 33 years and we lived together for 4 years prior. About two weeks ago I found my ex-fiance’s email address and heard back from her the next day. I am 60 and she is 59. We were 23/22 when we broke up. We lived together almost 2 years and dated 6 months before that. We have exchanged emails, friendly and non-sexual. Within 3-4 months of dating, I had moved out of town about 150 miles away. She came to visit and it was so passionate, I forgot to withdraw. She is Catholic and was not on the pill. She became pregnant and decided to have an abortion and I felt responsible. Although, I certainly would have married her. I supported her decision although I would not do that now. I wanted to marry her (we were engaged). I ask her to marry me after only knowing her a month and she confessed she loved someone else but liked being with me. I said OK, I can wait. My ego got me in trouble. I took her to Accapulco and she accepted my proposal (she became pregnant three/four months later). So, we moved in together and the other guy would crop up time to time in phone calls, B-day party, mutual friends, etc. But, she said it was over. So, she graduated from college and her Gmother had give her money so she decided she was going to the Bahamas. I called the room late one night and a guy answered. She confessed and I told her we would talk when she got back. She asked me not to move out, butI moved out, but she came and wanted me, but I wouldn’t sleep with her. Anyway, I saw her 15 years ago and we went to dinner. It was good and she was going to go on a trip with me. However, I had to cancel the trip and she got miffed as I had her reschedule her vacation. I don’t blame her, but I didn’t contact her until last week.
We had a great time talking on the phone and so many memories came back of travel, friends, situations, etc. Neither of us talked about the abortion or other negative issues. She wants me to come see her and the rest of her family. I am really nervous about that.
Then this week an old friend called. We had another friend pass. The friend that called told me (I told him nothing about this)he had pictures of me and her form Acapulco and in the apartment we lived in. I did not even tell him she and I had been talking. Funny how things work.

Well, she has been married twice and engaged twice (counting me). I believe she also had a couple of other meaningful relationships over the past 37 years. When I told her how I found her email, she asked me to find the guy Ed that was our issue. And, then she asked me to find 3 other guys info, which I did. I do know that she emailed Ed, but I don’t know what went on. She wants me to come see her. She lives a couple of hours away. I really want to see her and I have feelings for her, I think. It hurt when she asked me to find Ed, especially. But, hey I am married. My wife is an invalid and we haven’t had sex in 10 years. I haven’t been with anyone else either. Others in my age bracket think I am hot although balding. So, it is not for lack of oppurtunity. I believe in marraige vows, but I have this deep feeling for this person. Am I jsut trying to re-live my youth? Should I run? She is close to her family and they all want to see me as well.

[Clara]

The first problem you seem to have is buried in the bottom of your post! 😆 While married for 33 years, you haven’t had sex for the last 10 years because your wife is an invalid. That’s a problem that has nothing to do with your ex-girlfriend/ex-fiance. You didn’t mention what kind of problem your wife has — if it’s physical, mental, emotional or some combination. That is important to know because your not having sex is a marital problem. I suggest you discuss this problem with your wife. See what she has to say, if she’s well enough to discuss this problem. If you were having some kind of sex and were in a committed marriage, your ex-girlfriend might not be an issue. But if the real problem is that you want sex and you’re not getting it, then the ex-girlfriend is just a derivative problem.

As for the ex-girlfriend, it really sounds like she’s trouble. She cheated on you way back when you were dating, engaged and even now — she’s asking you for other guys’ contact information in addition to getting in touch with you! She’s been married twice and engaged twice — and while I’m not passing judgment on her active romantic life, it sounds like she is a lot more of a player in love than suits you. Your heart is going to get busted if you hook up with her, just like it has in the past with her. Count on her not changing her ways. She’s still looking for many men to love, and I don’t think that you’re the type of guy to cotton to that kind of behavior.

If what you really want is a get together with your ex-fiance, then do it with your wife at the event — whether it’s dinner out or tea at your home. If what you want is some sex, then talk to your wife about this chronic problem in your marriage and find a solution that doesn’t include a chaotic ex.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, my feelings exactly. I just don’t understand why I would still care, of course the picture in my mind is that 22 year old. You have helped me clarify and remove the haze.

[Clara]

I’m glad I could help. 😀 Remember, that for many people, when there is a problem in their lives, looking to a different issue — or even creating one — is a way of avoiding the real problem at hand. You probably have genuinely fond feelings for your ex-girlfriend, but she is a distraction. Focus on your real life and work out what needs to be worked out there.

[Member]

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