[Bookandkettle85]

I am a 29-year-old divorcee, with sole custody of my six-year-old. My daughter and I do not have a luxurious life but we are pretty happy. We have a good friend group, I have a job that takes a lot of hours but which I enjoy, and she is enjoying school. The trouble is that while I would like to find someone to spend time with who has similar interests in a romantic sense, I am struggling to keep from repeating the past. Here is a quick recap of my love life in the last ten years.

I met an older man when I was 19 who asked me to marry him within a month of knowing him. We moved in together (yep, I was dumb and believed I was in love) and I spent the next 8 months living with a physically and sexually abusive fiancée. A friend helped me get out of that situation and introduced me to my new landlady’s grandson, who was definately older than me (almost two decades).

He asked me to marry him and two months later we were married. I won’t go into too much detail, but I was controlled within an inch of my life for the next 6.5 years. I was not allowed to have a job ( since I’m hard of hearing and stupid, but subjected to hours and hours of lectures because he had to support us), I was not allowed to drive out of the small town we lived in (because I was too stupid not to get lost), I was not allowed to have friends (i was too naive and corruptable). I had to ask for every penny of money, he checked my phone and Internet activity daily (I had no access to any of his), he called me names and refused to be intimate, and had little to nothing to do with the little girl we had in 2008. When he finally laid hands on me, withheld my phone and keys, and held a gun to my head in front of our then four year old (I’d made friends at the park and he didn’t happen to approve of the fact that they were lesbians), I left him. I had the good fortune to have wonderful sister-in-law who took us in and helped us get away from him and helped me get custody of my daughter. I am still rebuilding myself to some degree, but I’m stronger and a better person, or so I’d like to believe. The trouble is the two relationships I’ve had since then have ended in disaster.

The first was with a guy who was around my own age for once, but like both exs, had a serious drinking issue, expected me to care for his children when he had them over, and started saying he loved me within a couple weeks of dating. This really upset me. I had explained so carefully I was just dating and needed to be allowed to go slow. He wouldn’t relent, texting me if I was out with friends and throwing temper tantrums when I started to spend less time with him because he wouldn’t stop saying he loved me and I was “the one”. I broke up with him when he started to drop by uninvited.

The next and last guy was worse. I started dating him despite misgivings about my own judgement at this point because he seemed so kind and gentle. He’d been shot in the stomach (I later found out by an ex who I’m pretty confident he was stalking) and he was semi handicapped, but very, very sweet. He made me feel beautiful and appriecated. He seemed to understand perfectly when I explained that I was happy to spend time with him but that I was not looking for long term anything, that I had just gained my freedom and didn’t want to give it up. I even refused to introduce him to my daughter because it’s important to me that there is no revolving door for her. Within a week, right after our first date, he took down his dating profile, and was very obvious about it, pointing it out to me and hinting I do the same. I should have stopped seeing him right then but I let it go. Two weeks later he told me he understood I couldn’t say it back, but he needed to be honest and tell me he loved me. Two weeks after that, he began, over and over, suggesting I move in with him. He texted me constantly, 20-40 texts a day. When I couldn’t answer he would pout, accuse me of cheating, and insist I stop working because he could support me and I should spend more time with him and it was irresponsible of me to continue to work and spend time away from my daughter and him when I didn’t have to. He found out where my mother lived and sent her flowers, saying they were from the love of her daughter’s life. Around this time I got very sick. He lived an hour away and wold hound me daily to come visit him. I would over and over and over explain that I was ill, but the next day he’d be wailing about how lonely he was and how miserable and how I needed to come take care of him. When I told him I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore, he sent me boxes of presents, and constantly texted or called for months after saying he’d forgiven me and he’d take me back.

My concern is not what’s wrong with these men. It’s what wrong with the common denominator, me. I am happy, I like myself, I love my daughter, I adore my friends. I can care for myself despite what I’ve been told countless times. But I would like to eventually find someone to spend time with. In my heart of hearts, I wouldn’t say no to a healthy relationship. One that was equal. I would like to grow old with someone. And yet, some how, I am never allowed the time I need. I am always being rushed and then put in situAtions where I’m being told to shut up and let the man care for me. My friends say Ill find someone and that Ill make a good partner. I feel terrified to let anyone close again. I want to know what I’m doing to make this happen. I can’t bear being exposed to this, or having my daughter exposed to this. I already have my ex husband on dvo. Do you have any thoghts for me? Forgive the mini book–I’m just so disappointed and concerned about what is happening.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve made a lot of bad choices in men, and you’ve had very big problems with establishing boundaries — which stems from self esteem issues. The bigger problem is that your daughter has been at risk because of these choices. These men have physically abused you, sexually abused you, emotionally abused you, and you mentioned your daughter’s father holding a gun to your head in front of her. It’s time for you to say that she comes first — not you or your need to be in a relationship. True love means sacrificing for others — and when you have a child, that has to be the way it goes. She shouldn’t have seen you at gunpoint, and that situation could easily have turned on her. 🙁

Because you’ve chosen these unhealthy relationships over and over again for the last 10 years, the risk of you doing it again, and subjecting your daughter to risk, is too high. Take a break from dating and just be your daughter’s mother. Be a good friend, be a good family member, be a good neighbor, and enjoy those relationships, but for your daughter’s sake, don’t date or get into a romantic relationship until she’s 18 and out of the house.

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Bookandkettle85]

Thank youI for your advice April. I just wanted to clarify a couple points, to make sure we’re on the same page. First, the only one of these men that my daughter has been exposed to was her father. I left him because he had crossed the line from (for me) intangible emotional abuse to the much easier to identify problem of physical abuse, which he had never practiced until I finally started deciding not to take his word on everything as gospel. The incident involving the gun was part of that first time physical abuse from him, and I left him that night, taking my daughter with me and fighting for custody until he is only allowed to see her under supervised conditions (and since he rarely keeps up with that, she is less and less exposed to him). The two men after my marriage were never permitted to be near her. When the first man started coming by to my house uninvited, I broke up with him. The second never got near her, though I admit the fact that he never crossed that line still surprises me.

Now, all this is not to say that I don’t see your point. I do. I just felt compelled to assure you that aside from the rotten choice of father, she has always been protected as well as I was able. She is my life. I’d do anything for her, and that does include being alone for the next 12-14 years. I have faith that I do put her first. However, as much as I see the problem, I don’t see how to fix my boundary issues. I went into both the post-martial relationships with a firm plan in mind, I was vocal about my plan, and it still fell apart. I guess I am just afraid that I’m doomed to endless issues like this regardless of waiting for my girl to grow up. I really want to understand how to implement better boundaries. I promise. Do you have any books or something like that you could suggest? Just for me to begin working on being a better person on this issue? I want to have a satisfying love life, if not now, then in the future.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First, recognize discomfort. For instance, when a guy tells you you can’t get a job, recognize your feelings — whether they’re discomfort, anger, frustration — whatever it is. Next, figure out why you’re feeling discomfort. In this case, it would be because you’re allowing yourself to do something that you don’t believe is right. Lastly, impose a boundary to protect against the discomfort by telling him that you are going to get a job, and won’t abide by his asking you or telling you not to.

People who are used to abusive relationships don’t take their hands off of the hot stove, so to speak. They feel the burning flesh, but don’t move because they’re not used to taking care of themselves. It’s a lot harder for folks who are used to negative relationships, to struggle with healthy ones and imposing boundaries. But you should stick with it because it’s going to be great for your daughter to see how you do take care of yourself, as she’ll be modeling your behavior on yours.

You can practice boundaries in friendships, job relationships, family relationships and even your relationship with your daughter, as you raise her.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts