[confused2014]

It feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. My current boyfriend and I have been together about 8 months off and on but we’ve known each other and been friends for over 6 years. When we got together I had no idea how bad his relationships were because he never talked to me about them. When we got together he had been with another woman for 2 years and cheated on her 3 times and 2 of them were with me. When u found out that he was with somebody else I was furious and instantly broke it off. A week went by after him begging and pleading and decided to give him another chance. I feel as if I am in love with him but I’m not completely sure. I still feel as if he will cheat on me but we don’t discuss it often nor do I bring it up often.
My problem is I’ve emotionally cheated on him 3 times already because of the fact I cannot get over the fact he cheated. I emotionally cheated the first 2 times with a guy who I’ve been friends with for a while and who has always wanted to be with me. The first time I ended it with him was because he was wanting to much to fast and it worried me but I eventually went back to him. This last time I ended it was because I think he has a girlfriend and I realized what I was doing was wrong so I ended it for good. At least I hope I did.
But now I’m doing it again. This time its with an ex that I’ve been off and on with for 4 years and he was one of my first real loves. He says he wants to get back together and go back to what we used to be or at least plan a new future together. I know what I am doing is wrong but this guy knows how to get me and knows me so well. We instantly connected when we starting talking years ago and it never went away.
I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend but at the same time he hurt me emotionally for life so I don’t feel as guilty for what I’m doing. I love our relationship and I love him. I just cannot decided what to do and it’s tearing me apart. I cannot go to friends or family because I don’t think they would understand. This is the only hope I have to figuring this all out. Please help, any advise will be taken gladly.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to help you, but first, let me know how old you all are, and what it is you’re looking for in the relationship. Are you someone who’s looking to marry or just have a long-term, monogamous relationship for now?

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[confused2014]

I’m not comfortable revealing our exact ages but we’re all in our early 20’s with me and my boyfriend being the same age and the other man being 3 years older. I’m looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship for now.

[confused2014]

I’m not comfortable disclosing our ages but we are all in our early 20s with me and my boyfriend being the same age and the other man being 3 years older. I’m looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship for now

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are different reasons that people cheat, and one of them is a chronic need to do so, that presents almost like an addiction. The other reasons have to do with the absence of a need being met in a primary relationship. Now, if someone is a chronic cheater you’re probably not going to change them. If they decide that they want to change, they will, but it doesn’t sound like he’s there. He also seems to be able to get what he wants while cheating, so he hasn’t learned that cheating creates loss, the way someone who’s really paying the price for cheating has. As for you, it sounds like you never got over his initial cheating on you, and that’s the real problem here. Unless you decide that you want to be honest and have a healthy relationship, and make it work, you’re always going to be second guessing and hedging your bets, which is what you did with the “emotional cheating”. You were trying to protect yourself from your main relationship because you don’t trust it. Probably just reading those words here will help you understand that it’s going to be tough to go the distance in a relationship where trust is so shoddy. 😳 If you want to try and make it work, then you’re going to have to discipline yourself to be honest and ask for the same from him. That doesn’t mean you’ll get it from him, but if you keep your side of the street clean and ask for what you want, you’ll get a clear picture of who he is and what the relationship really is.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

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