[Anonymous]

Hello there. I am not really sure where to start, so good luck navigating my story! (And I apologize for the length of my submission.)

I found the perfect guy. Granted, I was only a freshman and I didn’t know what love was at the time, but I found out. Very quickly after I moved across the country, actually, too late for it to matter and when everyone but him lost touch and I found the truest, deepest friendship through him. We had absolutely everything in common: he brought me to God and helped me create a new arts program, and so much more had happened that even after a major discrepancy, I found myself crashing with the thought, “I love him”. He admitted to my having been the only one there with whom he shared anything (considering he had just moved there the year I met him), but he admitted nothing more. People said he liked me. People said I liked him. We both denied it both before and after the move, even though it was true.

After a year and a half of shoving away the feelings, I was invited to (and attended) the school dance back home, braving my fear of heights in his honor. There was a moment, a dance and a kiss and then… we came back to reality – the distance would never let it work out. And besides, we were best friends, not lovers. Everyone in the world was ready for us to finally jump into what was meant to be perfect. Everyone but us. Or was it everyone but him? And it was then that I realized I had to give up. How could a 17-year-old possibly know what love is? What a stupid idea!

I found a new guy a few months later. We had met and he was kind of funny and attractive, and who wants to go through their entire high school career without having dated anyone? There were plenty of ups and some problems, and at one point I broke things off, but my dependency brought me back – I had no one else in my new city. And he was a really nice guy, besides.

I went back home for what I assumed would be a final trip after realizing that there was a major problem in my hands: I still had feelings for the friend. Things were AMAZING – we had more fun in a few nights than I had had in years. He laughed about a joke another friend made when he thought I was still not together with my boyfriend, joked about something being “romantic”, and brought up my relationship status very cautiously – he had known of the problems quite recently. People said something was there, and that a friend of his had heard tons about me recently though I had not yet met him, which surely meant he liked me, and in the end he shared an incredibly fun and spontaneous outing with me, and we had a long, long talk. Like the good old days.

I told myself not to leave without telling him. I had never lied to him, but I did hold this one secret and had to have him know, in hopes that in saying something the feelings would be gone, despite his answer. I told him it was difficult, and that I was afraid, and he asked me not to look at him “that way”, though I thought I was hiding everything. He said he knew and that we shouldn’t bring it up. We didn’t.

Another friend of mine did and he lost his mind, saying that it meant our friendship was a lie and that it was ridiculous, that we hardly knew each other and that feelings that strong cannot be built off of phonecalls and emails. He knew I loved him. He did not love me back.

I told my boyfriend that I loved this friend and that I wanted no secrets between us, and said that it was not the same kind of love that I held for him, which was true. I convinced myself it was like loving a celebrity who happens to be your best friend and let it all out. We checked things over and continued dating.

The feelings passed. I was the happiest person in the world, we went back to being the best of friends, and everything was going right…

And the feelings have returned. I cannot stop thinking about him, writing about him, singing about him, laughing about him… I keep accidentally saying his name or laughing at a memory we shared… He still is everything I have ever wanted, and everything I wish I could be. And the feelings are not fair.

I love my boyfriend. We are happy. We work well and trust each other and each others’ families… But which love is the right love?

I have left out several major details for the sake of time, but I guess my question is:

How do you let go of feelings that have built over a span of almost six years?
And how can I better the feelings that I have for a boyfriend of two?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have to disagree with you when you write that teenagers don’t know what love is. I believe they do. But it’s teenage love — as opposed to adult love or even mature love that spans decades. That said, the feelings you have as a teenager are valid and very real.

What you will come to know is that love is not enough to make a relationship that is day to day and face to face, work. In marriages, love ebbs and flows, and sometimes it even comes and goes. What keeps people who love each other enough, together, is commitment, compatibility and shared values.

Dating relationships like the one you have with your two year boyfriend, work because you both like each other enough, and have similar values relating to how you want to spend your time and what you want to do with that time.

Your cross country friend for whom you have feelings of love, is a friend that you love. Unless or until one of you moves, you will never have a day to day dating relationship. The feelings you have for him are valid feelings, but your life, for now, is in a different state that is not even a car ride away. It’s a plane ride away. It’s not practical for you to forsake your day to day life for a long distance relationship at your age.

This is especially true when you write about wanting to be able to date while you’re in high school. You know yourself well enough to understand that doing all the things teenagers can do in high school, like attending dances, going to basketball games or swim meets as a couple with a group of friends, holding hands and making out, are important to you. Your two year boyfriend meets your needs to have the kind of life you want to have now.

So rather than let go of your feelings for your cross country crush, accept the reality of your situation, and know that the needs you personally have, to enjoy your high school life, can’t be met by a bi-coastal, teenage boyfriend.

I hope that helps.

Good luck! 🙂

[Anonymous]

That most definitely does help, thank you! Granted, I am halfway through college by this point, but I do see the points that you tried to make. Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I could help. 🙂

[Member]

Posts