[Anonymous]

Hello April, I love your advise and just want a little reassuance here.

I am in a 6 month old relationship with a man I dated briefly before I married and had kids. When I went into it this time I didn’t realise how wonderful it would be.

I don’t even know if I have an issue here or not because all is well. We had a discussion about love a month or two ago and he expressed concern that because I have four kids (aged 11 to 16) and he has never had kids, he had little tolerance for kids. I reassured him that they already have a father and that my interest in the relationship is that I just want something for myself.

Since then, he has stepped the relationship up (now describing me to others as his girlfriend) and spends more time with me. My children’s father has left town and I am not as available to him without my children as I was before although I make a point of spending every 3rd or 4th weekend with him and no kids.

The upshot is that he is now quite happy to spend a night or two on the other weekends at my place while the kids are there, gets on great with them, fits in with our family outings when he wants and seems to really be enjoying this kid experience that he has never had before. I am not passing any family responsibilities to him, don’t take my kids to his house or ask him to mind kids ever and I make a point of being available for one on one time with him often.

I guess I am just worried that with me being less available, he is putting himself into a situation he initially thought would be uncomfortable for him and I am worried that it might wear a bit thin. Seriously, I realise that my kids come first but I feel so lucky with how things are at the moment , probably a little undeserving of such a beautiful relationship that it feels like it can’t last. (I’m guessing that is a bit of a self esteem issue for me).

Anyway, just wondering if I should let nature (and this wonderful man) take the lead or should I kick it back a notch. He really seems to have good boudaries and does say no to things that he is not interested in.

Interestd in your perspective!

[Ask April Masini]

It’s understandable that you’re concerned about things falling apart — you have a lot of personalities involved when you introduce your boyfriend into your home with your four children. And you’re right that he isn’t prepared for what’s to come, never having had children himself. That said, there is no reason to back off. The best thing you can do is go slowly, and understand that even with the best intentions there will be bumps in the road that will test your relationship with him, your children, your ex-husband, and with relationships between each of them without you.

The bad news about teenagers is that they can be naturally volatile. The good news is that it’s not that long before they will go off to college and start to spread their own wings and you’ll have more time for your relationship with your boyfriend (or soon to be second husband).

Balance is the key — and a sense of humor doesn’t hurt! 😆

I hope this helps and that you’ll also become a free member of my group page on Facebook, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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