[Farmboy1]

Hello. I am a year and a half out of a marriage in which my wife had a man on the side all the while telling me she loved me and wanted to stay with me. I have had two relationships since then in which we were supposed to be exclusively dating each other and both partners told me how much they loved me and wanted to be with me but in the end I caught both of them cheating. Now I have been dating what seems to be a very nice down to earth stable lady. We have been dating for three months now and she asked me if we could be exclusive after a month.
At month two she calls me one day and says that about the time we started dating a guy helped her move and she promised to cook him supper. Due to my past and past insecurities I told her I was uncomfortable with it but I understood the situation and to go ahead and cook for him. She thought about it for a few hours and called me back and said she had cancelled with him and would invite him over when I could be there. All good :). I felt relief. Fast forward to this month.
Everything seems to be going well between us. She has even mentioned that she is planning to move closer to me so that we can have more time together by the end of the year. So in one sense I fill she is committed and true.
Now here is where things are starting to make me uneasy.
A lil background. I am 39 she is 33. She has been divorced for over a year. And has a couple kids for which her and ex rotate custody. I have two kids and rotate custody. On some nights that we can’t be together she has a 28 year old female friend that she goes out with to nightclubs, riding, etc. This girl dates someone new every few weeks or months. So the 28 year old is seeing a 23 year old guy. A few weeks back my girl tells me her and her girlfriend gonna ride some backroads. But they end up over at this 23 year old guys house and play cards. And hey stay there until the wee hours of the morning. My girl later tells me one of the 30 something year old girlfriends slips off and has sex with one of the twenty something guys.
Ok. I’m getting uncomfortable where is this leading for me?
This past week she calls me tells me her ex gonna keep her kids Friday night because she is supposed to have to work. Ok that’s fine. I’m thinking she’s going to work. I don’t hear much from her Friday then I text her Friday night about 7 to ask how she’s doing and she’s going to meet her best girlfriend and some girls at karaoke. What?! How did that happen? So we message off and on and we usually talk via phone call every night. She doesn’t message me until midnight saying I guess you fell asleep on me sweet dreams. So I wake up later and message her and she has her girlfriends and all the twenty something guys over at her house. I am at this point irritated. But I don’t know whether I’m being over reactive or if I’m being insecure about the situation. I haven’t said anything to her about this and I don’t know whether to or not. Just last night she tells me she misses me and is planning on moving closer not at my prompting. Should I be worried? Am I bothered for no reason? How do I proceed? Or should I just let it go and see what happened. I don’t want another relationship where my lady has someone on the side.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s not acting like someone who’s in a committed relationship. Rather than get angry, or pressure her to change, my advice is that you accept this, and reevaluate your own behavior. 😉 It sounds like you’re hurt because your marriage ended because of betrayal. And you’d like to remarry, but after 18 months post-divorce, you’ve had a few monogamous relationships that haven’t worked out. Breathe — this isn’t the end of the world, and what’s going on is that you’re committing to women too soon — before you get to know them well enough.

It’s great to want to re-marry, which is what it sounds like you want, but you now have an opportunity to do it differently than the first time around. If someone doesn’t seem to be on the same page as you, then they’re incompatible because you have different goals for the relationship. Whether or not this woman you’re dating says she’s committed to you, her behavior isn’t behavior of a woman who wants to be committed to you. The friends someone keeps are a great window into their character and their lifestyle! 😉 Trust your instincts.

My advice is that you go back to the drawing board and play the field. Use the first three months of dating anyone, to get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them. The second three months of dating them should be used to decide if you want to be monogamous. Don’t get too committed before then because you’ll be jumping the gun and closing yourself off from other opportunities.

I hope that helps!

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