[Anonymous]

I met a guy back in December, unfortunately we hardly talked because things got in the way. I recently found out his mom lives down my street and saw him a few weeks ago again. We talked right in front of her house for about an hour but didn’t exchange numbers. From the first time I saw him, I noticed he was kind of shy and the serious type (which I love)… Well I ended up seeing him last Friday and I built up the courage to ask for his number, he didn’t hesitate to give it to me (ended up giving me both his numbers) and asked for mine. Right after that I had to leave and haven’t seen him since. Although I haven’t made a comment stating that I’m EXTREMELY interested in him I think he knows I at least like him. It seemed like he was interested too, but he hasn’t called nor texted me and neither have I. 🙁 I feel like I’m chasing him if I contact him first and I don’t want to come off as desperate… How long should I wait until I give up? What do I do? ❓

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct. You will be chasing him if you contact him first, after you’ve asked him for his number first. So stop! He knows you’re interested. He has your number. The ball is in his court. Don’t do another thing until he calls you and asks you out on a date.

I know it’s hard not to be excited about the possibilities of what could be, but reality is your friend. If this guy doesn’t call you, he’s not right for you. If he does, then he is.

Now, you have to do the hard part — move on with your life, and try not to think about him. You’ve done your work in this part of the relationship. What you need to do next is not to dwell on him or a fantasy relationship.

Instead, go out and be your best self. Focus on your appearance, your inner self, your work, your friends and family (Did I say buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man? If not, buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, scrolling down, and ordering the book. It will take you step by step through the path of dating and romance success.). This is hard because it means stopping the momentum you got going by bumping into him, chatting, and exchanging numbers. But the reality is as the man, he’s the one who has to build the momentum — not you.

You have to get out there and be available and wonderful and play the numbers game by meeting lots of men who may be right for you — and if he calls and asks you out, then he’ll be the lucky one to get a date with you. But until then, don’t text, don’t call, and don’t give up, but don’t dwell on something that hasn’t happened.

[Steve]

While I absolutely agree with April’s response here (and I suppose I should since she’s the one with a website, not me)…let me share a little bit of the shy guy’s perspective…

I am not a shy person MOST of the time, however, when it comes to meeting new people on the dating side of things, I am. The reason…I am a typical Type A personality and tend to over analyze most things, which means that I also do a lot of research. When it comes to dating for men, most of the “advice” out there tends to lean in favor of being a little passive regarding making contacts (don’t be over-eager…don’t show too much interest too fast…don’t appear too available…show some interest though…etc.). It can be tricky for us analytical types.

I say all that to say simply that it is possible that this guy is very interested but so focused on trying to “play it perfectly” that he’s not doing anything at all. (Also, keep in mind that you asked him for his number first…and he gave your 2 numbers, perhaps he is expecting that puts the ball in your court!)

That being said, I also believe in following the age-old adage of “just being yourself.” If my inclination is to just call someone, then I do…if it turns her off, then it wasn’t likely to be a good fit anyway. (It’s when I get mixed signals from the other end that I really get confused.) So…while I think you should definitely proceed with moving along to other options…if he does eventually contact you, assume that he was just a little confused about what to do and go easy on him (they always tell actors…”If you’re not nervous for a performance, then you probably don’t care.”)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

What’s most helpful about this exchange is that it shows two truths can exist at the same time. On one hand, the advice to stop chasing protects your self-respect and emotional balance. You already showed courage by asking for his number, and you didn’t play games or hide interest. At that point, it is reasonable to pause and let him step forward. Attraction grows best when both people invest, not when one person carries all the momentum alone.

At the same time, the shy-guy perspective adds important nuance. Some people genuinely freeze when they like someone, especially if they’re analytical, cautious, or afraid of doing the “wrong” thing. His giving you two numbers and asking for yours could signal interest mixed with uncertainty, not indifference. That doesn’t make him a bad guy but it also doesn’t make it your responsibility to rescue him from his hesitation. Interest that never turns into action still leaves you waiting.

You don’t need to force a decision right now. Live your life, stay open, don’t hover over your phone, and don’t build a fantasy around potential. If he reaches out, great you’ll have clarity. If he doesn’t, that’s also clarity. Either way, you’re not losing anything by choosing dignity over anxiety. Real interest doesn’t require you to shrink, chase, or second-guess your worth.

[Member]

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