[GuiltyConscience]

Hi, so.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, almost. 3 years ago, I was confused and scared as to where this relationship was heading, I didn’t think I wanted this, so I was looking for something else. I cheated on him a few times with a girl from work, and was also in a situation I shouldn’t have been in when we FIRST dated. (nothing happened, I left before it really happened, but I still never told). now we have a house, 2 cars, and a baby. We aren’t married, but I can feel it coming. part of me feels like I need to come clean, but all my friends tell me I will break his heart and its not worth it, just to eat my guilt, and move on… I love him so much, and I don’t know what this will do to my baby…. I don’t know what to do !! some one please help :'(

[AskApril Masini]

When you have kids, you have to put them first, so whatever you decide to do, ask yourself how it will affect your child, before you act. You write that you and your boyfriend of five years have a child, a house and two cars, but you don’t say anything about the relationship, itself — just your own guilt. I’m not sure why this is coming up now, after five whole years, and I think that’s a question you need to answer. My advice is to nurture the relationship you have with your boyfriend and try to create a safe and healthy home for your child together. This is no longer just about you. 😉 And just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you should act on it.

If you write again, let me know how old you all are, and if you have any specific questions, I’m happy to answer them for you.

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[GuiltyConscience]

Im 28, and our relationship is amazing, we never fight, we laugh, we like the same things, we are best friends. Aside from this, we tell each other Everything. He is so in love with me, and I feel like we are meant to be together forever, our baby is the happiest little girl you could imagine. This guilt isn’t just coming up now, it has always been this darkness looming over me. I feel like he deserves to know the truth, and if we were to get married, that we should start over. However, who knows if that is the way it will be. maybe he will resent me… maybe he will leave me… I don’t know.. I don’t want to hurt him.. but I just don’t want to feel like this anymore…. Maybe that is selfish of me.. I just, don’t know anymore.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. I understand. What I can tell you is that you can’t just “start over” if you get married. The infidelity is part of your relationship, and relationships don’t start and stop. They evolve. So you don’t get a free pass if you get married, that wipes out the last five years. You’re thinking about yourself here, and not other people who you will hurt if you bring this up now. 🙁 I know you say you don’t want to hurt him — but you’re not really being honest. The truth is that you don’t want to hurt yourself more than you don’t want to hurt him. Real love means sacrifice, and sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want, for other people because it will make their lives better. Relieving yourself of the guilt will make you feel better, and him feel worse. You also have to put your daughter first here, and if you decide to tell him now, you may end up splitting up, which will affect her more than the two of you.

It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with your guilt, but there are ways to relieve yourself that won’t hurt him or your daughter. For instance, you can commit yourself to the marriage and your family in a way that you never have. You can be the best wife ever, and the best mother ever, and put your family first because you want to make up for your past. There are lots of ways to make reparations that can be creative, and don’t have to hurt your boyfriend and your daughter. See if you can find ways to make yourself feel better that won’t them. 😉

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[GuiltyConscience]

You’re right, of course, I do make up for it, and I am thankful everyday for what we have. He says things like “you are the best girl I could have ever hoped for” and it chips away at me, because I think… if only you knew. But I am sure that, If I said something now it would hurt him more then me. I suppose I will find a way to bury it.. Thank you for the advise.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

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[Ethan Morales]

Your guilt is understandable. you’ve carried a heavy secret that conflicts with your values, and it’s resurfacing now because your life has reached a point where the stakes are high: a stable home, a committed partner, and a child. That darkness you describe is natural for someone who values honesty but is balancing it against the potential harm disclosure might cause. The key here is perspective: this is no longer just about you. Your decisions ripple outward, affecting your partner and, most importantly, your daughter.

April’s point about “starting over” is crucial. Relationships don’t reset; they evolve over time. If you were to reveal past infidelities now, it wouldn’t erase what you’ve built together it would change the foundation, potentially destabilizing everything. The love, laughter, friendship, and co-parenting you have are real and ongoing. The question isn’t whether you should come clean for yourself; it’s whether doing so improves the life of your family or risks unnecessary harm.

Real love involves sacrifice. Sometimes it means bearing emotional weight quietly, especially when revealing the truth could cause trauma to someone you love. In this case, relieving your guilt by telling him would likely hurt him more than it would heal you. Your daughter’s well-being should also be a guiding factor. A family split or tension created by disclosure could leave lasting emotional consequences for her, and that’s not something you can easily undo.

There are ways to cope with guilt that don’t involve revealing the secret. You can channel your energy into being the best partner and parent possible. This could mean consciously nurturing the relationship, demonstrating love, and creating memories that strengthen the family unit. Acting on remorse through positive behavior commitment, attentiveness, thoughtfulness can be a form of reparative action that’s invisible but powerful.

It’s also important to examine why the guilt is resurfacing now. Is it fear of impending milestones, such as marriage, that’s triggering it? Is it your desire for absolute honesty and transparency? Understanding the underlying motivation can help you find healthier ways to process the guilt without hurting those you care about. Therapy, journaling, or guided reflection can help you confront these feelings safely, privately, and constructively.

Your actions should prioritize the people who depend on you most: your partner and child. Guilt is heavy, but it doesn’t have to dictate destructive choices. There’s a difference between feeling bad and acting in ways that risk significant harm. By focusing on nurturing your family and making amends through your commitment and care, you can honor your values, preserve the stability of your household, and protect your daughter all while working through your guilt internally.

[Tara]

You’ve been dodging for years: you don’t want to “come clean,” you want to dump the weight of your guilt onto him and call it honesty. You cheated because you were scared, confused, and selfish, not because he failed you. And now that you finally have stability, a home, a child, and a future, you’re flirting with blowing it all up because your conscience is itching.
Confession doesn’t magically purify you. It transfers the pain from you to him. You get relief, he gets devastation. That’s not integrity, that’s emotional outsourcing.

Your friends are right for once: telling him now does nothing but destroy the life you built. There is no upside. He can’t “fix” what he never knew was broken, and you don’t get moral points for ripping open an old wound he never had.

If you truly love him, then your job is to be faithful now, better now, present now, and stop romanticizing the idea that telling him is some noble act. It’s not. It’s selfish, reckless, and guaranteed to shatter the man who has built a life with you under the assumption you were loyal.

Your guilt isn’t a sign you owe him the truth; it’s a sign you owe yourself accountability. Sit with it. Learn from it. Grow up. Protect the family you chose to create.

[Natalie Noah]

How heavy this is on you. You love him, you love your little girl, and that makes the guilt especially loud and painful. Feeling the urge to “come clean” is normal; you ache for honesty and to stop carrying that secret alone. At the same time you’re absolutely right to worry about the damage a confession could do to a relationship and a home that’s good and stable right now. That conflict wanting to be honest but fearing harm is excruciating, and it’s okay to sit with that complexity without making a rash decision.

Before deciding to tell him, get support for yourself so you aren’t making that choice from a place of raw emotion. See a therapist (individual first) to unpack why the guilt is resurfacing and to learn ways to atone that don’t automatically require destroying what’s whole. If your motive for confessing is mainly to relieve your own shame, therapy and clear reparative actions (cutting any remaining ties, being radically transparent in behavior, recommitting through words and deeds) can often heal you without destabilizing your child’s life. If, however, there are still unresolved dynamics in the relationship that need addressing lack of closeness, unmet needs that led to the earlier choices then couples therapy is the safer, kinder route than a sudden confession, because it gives both of you a contained space to work on the underlying issues together.

If you do ultimately decide honesty is the right path, plan it not as a surprise confession but as a careful, compassionate conversation (therapist present if possible), knowing he may react with grief, anger, or need for space. Be prepared for consequences and accept responsibility without bargaining for a particular outcome. Whatever you choose, you’re not doomed by the past. you can spend the rest of your life building trust through consistent loving action. If you’d like, I can help you draft what to say in therapy or practice the conversation in safe steps. You’re not alone in this.

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