[pinkmonkey]

At the beginning of the school year, I joined an organization at my university and became good friends with two other members in particular. One of them is a girl, and one a guy. None of us knew each other prior to joining. We spent a lot of time together outside of meetings, and the three of us have grown very close. However, just like you’d assume when two girls and a guy become friends, feelings began to develop beyond friendship. A few months ago I started to really fall for my guy friend, and after keeping it in for awhile, I couldn’t stand it any longer (and was a little tipsy), so I told him how I felt. He told me he liked me as well but still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend, so we couldn’t be any more than friends. I accepted that, and we agreed that we would not let this come between our friendship. All the while, I was confiding in my girl friend about my feelings for the guy.

Fast forward another month, and things are a mess. Despite our promise to keep things normal, it has been very awkward between me and the guy since that night. He is very distant with me, as if he wants to keep me at arms length. He and my girl friend have also grown much closer, to the point where they often make plans without me and when I am there, I feel like the third wheel. I am not sure if they have romantic feelings for each other or simply do not want me around all the time, but needless to say I am very hurt, especially since my girl friend knows how deeply I felt for my guy friend.

Lately I have been absolutely heartbroken watching all of this unfold in front of me, and I am not sure how to proceed. I have tried talking to my girl friend about it, but she just brushes it off and says that it is no big deal. I care for them both very much, but lately it feels as though all they are doing is hurting me and they don’t seem to care. They still invite me along on things sometimes, but it is just not the same. Should I simply cut them both out of my life? Or try to mend the friendships? And if so, how would I go about that?

Thank you in advance for the help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Most people have very little tolerance for discomfort — but it’s a big part of life. 😉 You’re learning an important lesson that men and women can’t be friends because eventually one or both of them develop feelings for each other. That makes it clear that they’re not friends. When they try to ignore this fact, there’s dishonesty, miscommunication and hurt feelings. I know it’s not a very hip opinion, but it’s pretty valid. 😉

You made the obvious clear by telling your guy friend your feelings, and the dynamic between the three of you has changed. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re actually giving yourself an opportunity to feel rejection and decide what to do next. Rejection is another feeling that people tend to avoid because it’s uncomfortable, but the beauty of rejection is that it’s a guide, and if you like a guy and he rejects you, you get to move on, stop wasting time on a closed door, and find someone who’s compatible and interested in you. 😉

I don’t think you should try and repair the friendship because it wasn’t a real friendship — you had and probably still have a crush on this guy. Those aren’t friendship feelings. They’re romantic and sexual and it’s impossible to be honest with someone when you’re trying to be a friend, but don’t feel like one. You don’t have to cut them out of your life, but you do need to refocus your time and energy towards more interesting options for friends and dates. Simply shift your focus and be okay with the discomfort. It’s short-lived. The more you spend energy elsewhere, the more quickly it will go away.

[pinkmonkey]

Thanks so much for the advice, April! I have been feeling a lot of regret about telling him, but you are completely right that the rejection means I am able to get answers and move forward. No more wasting time on an unavailable/uninterested guy!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. Re-read the advice over time and you’ll feel the support and the direction. I feel confident that you’re going to move in the right direction. 😉

[Sally]

Losing a crush is one thing. Losing the feeling of belonging in a little trio like that is another kind of pain. It makes you question yourself, even though you didn’t do anything wrong.

From where I’m sitting, it sounds like he pulled back because he didn’t know how to handle your feelings, and instead of dealing with it directly, he shifted closer to her. And your girl friend brushing it off? That stings, especially since she knew your heart was involved.

I don’t think you need to dramatically cut them off, but I do think you need some space. Being around people who make you feel like an extra will just keep reopening the wound. Step back, focus on other friends, and let the intensity cool. If they really care, they’ll notice your absence. And if they don’t, that tells you something too.

[Tara]

You didn’t “lose two friends,” you exposed a situation that was never safe for you to begin with, and now you’re paying the emotional bill. He rejected you clearly still hung up on his ex and instead of creating distance to let the feelings die, you stayed planted right next to him hoping proximity would soften the blow. It didn’t. He pulled away because attraction plus rejection plus guilt is uncomfortable, and distancing himself was the easiest way to manage it.

Meanwhile, your “girl friend” didn’t betray you by accident she chose closeness with him knowing exactly how you felt, then dismissed your pain to avoid accountability. That’s not ignorance; that’s self-interest.

You’re heartbroken because you’re forcing yourself to sit front row while two people you trusted quietly reorganize their loyalty without you. You keep asking whether to “mend” things as if this is a misunderstanding that better communication will fix. It’s not. The dynamic has shifted permanently. You are no longer an equal you’re the emotional leftover, invited just enough to keep appearances clean while your discomfort gets minimized. And staying in that position is you actively betraying yourself.

[Member]

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