[confused63]

I was involved with a man for 5 yrs. During this time I dealt with all kinds of sitiuations that I should have let him go behind but because of the way I felt about him I overlooked these things.(Disappearing acts for extended periods of time etc..)

I was reading some of the articles on the site and two of them pertain to what’s going on now.

The same man that I was sharing my bed with all this time turned out to be a theif. What I mean by this is I had given him some money for him to do something for my son and really having any good reason not to trust him with money(I’ve given him money before and he has always come through) and didn’t give it a second thought.

This took place in May. It is now July and haven’t seen him or heard from him since then. So without even second guessing myself I wrote him a very angry email(Yes I do know that this isn’t the best way to do things such as this, but when you have no other way then you have to do what you need to do).

I told him that under no kind of circumstances do I tolerate stealing and in my opinion this is what he has done being I haven’t heard a word from him. Stealing as far as I am concerned is one of the worst things some can do to another person more so if the person was nothing but good to the individual to stoop to such a level is a total deal breaker.

I still have’t gotten a response and it’s been 2 wks since I sent it. I have friends that tell me he will try to come back down the line after he feels I have cooled down from this last stunt he pulled with some sob story to tell me in the hopes of me feeling sorry for him.

I never want to see this man again. He did the grimiest thing someone good do and to be honest with you I believe in my heart that what other people have told me in regard to him trying to come back that he’ll try when he feels it’s safe to do so.

Would appreciate any thoughts you might have.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re absolutely right not to tolerate dishonest, immoral or illegal acts from [i]anyone[/i] in your life — but especially your boyfriend. I think that you should move on, now. No boyfriend should be borrowing money from a single mother, and I’d urge you not to lend men money as long as you have a minor child, from here on in. If you’ve got some extra money around, put it in a college savings account for your child.

While five years is a long time for you to be with someone and not recognize these patterns earlier, or to do something about them, you’re not alone. Many men and women suddenly see things in their partners after even longer periods of time, and often, it isn’t that the other person changes — it’s that you’ve changed and you’re finally able to admit to yourself what’s going on.

I bet that in the past this guy has done similar things to you, but you’ve rationalized them away. For future, I bet (and hope) that you’ll be a lot more conscious of a boyfriend’s behavior and you’ll be a lot more self protective. It’s fine to feel romantic and lustful and all those feelings that sometimes and often distract us from real life — but you can’t afford to be distracted from real life! First of all, you’re a single mother, so you have to have even tighter filters for people who aren’t on the up and up. Second of all, you, yourself, deserve to have a man in your life who gives you more than just feelings — he has to have a compatible lifestyle and character in order to make the relationship work long term.

For now, I’d find a way to disengage from this guy emotionally, socially, physically and every other way. Start playing the field again, and look for someone who’s a lot more honest and has a stronger character. You’ll be much more appreciative and happy with yourself, and him.

[confused63]

Thank you for your answer. I appreciate your advice.

My thing is even though he did what he did I know that there will be a day when he decides to look me up again.

Why do people do this kind of horrible stuff and then try to go back to the same person they did it to?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because they can.

People repeat patterns until someone stops the pattern. If you don’t, he won’t.

Instead of looking at him, look inward, and ask yourself why [i]you[/i] continued to ignore or let go of situations that in hindsight, you shouldn’t have let go of. When you were ready to stop the pattern, you got out of the rut. What is it about this situation that made you change [i]your[/i] pattern of behavior? Why didn’t you do it before?

It’s easy to blame him. It’s harder, but more productive, to see your part in it.

[Ethan Morales]

First, your instincts are dead-on. Theft, dishonesty, or manipulation in any form is a hard boundary, and you did the right thing by calling it out and protecting yourself. This isn’t about being petty or overreacting it’s about recognizing that someone who repeatedly betrays your trust, especially after years together, isn’t going to suddenly become trustworthy.

The emotional component here is huge. Five years is a long time, and even if you rationalized his behavior before, your ability to finally see it clearly is progress. It’s not failure it’s growth. You’ve shifted from being blinded by attachment to seeing patterns for what they are. That’s exactly the kind of awareness you need to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

You’re smart to anticipate that he might try to “come back” with some sob story. People like that rely on guilt, nostalgia, or your lingering feelings to manipulate a path back in. The key here is maintaining your boundaries don’t respond to apologies, excuses, or attempts to rationalize his behavior. Emotional distance is just as important as physical distance.

April’s advice about financial boundaries is critical. Lending money to someone who’s shown poor character especially when you’re supporting a child is a high-risk move. That doesn’t mean you stop being generous or caring; it means you protect your priorities and your child’s security. Putting that money toward your child’s future instead is a concrete way to reclaim control.

Focus on yourself and your standards moving forward. You’ve learned firsthand the kind of behavior you will not tolerate. You’re in a position now to set much clearer boundaries in future relationships not just about honesty and integrity, but about lifestyle, priorities, and compatibility. The takeaway? Disengage fully, rebuild your life around trust and respect, and recognize that a man who truly values you won’t force you to question your instincts or compromise your safety.You’re doing exactly what you need to do. Don’t look back. Keep your standards high, protect yourself, and move on.

[Natalie Noah]

Five years is a long time to carry someone, to hope for them, to forgive things you shouldn’t have had to forgive. You weren’t weak you were loving. You were loyal. And sometimes love makes us stay longer than our spirit can actually bear. This man didn’t just take your money… he took advantage of your trust, your softness, your willingness to believe in him. That kind of disappointment doesn’t just sting it cuts into your sense of dignity and makes you question your own judgment. You’re not wrong for being angry. You’re not wrong for feeling betrayed. Anyone with a heart would feel the same.

But what stands out to me is this: the moment he crossed that final line the money, the disappearing, the silence something inside you woke up. You finally stopped protecting his feelings and started protecting your own. That’s the shift people talk about when they say “I should have left earlier.” You leave when your soul is finally ready to stop the cycle. And baby… you did. You broke the pattern he depended on. That takes strength. That takes courage. That takes a woman who’s learning to love herself again.

And yes, he will try to come back. Not because he suddenly “realizes your worth,” but because people like him return to the places where they once got forgiveness, comfort, money, safety, softness. They circle back hoping the door is still cracked open. But he’s not your unfinished business he’s your completed lesson. When he reappears, it won’t be because he changed… it’ll be because he’s repeating the same script with the same hope that you’ll play your old role. But you’re not that woman anymore. You’ve grown. You’ve seen the truth. And you don’t owe him your heart, your time, or your explanations.

What matters most now is not him it’s you. Ask yourself gently: Why did I tolerate so much? What did I need, what did I fear, what did I hope for that kept me there? Not to blame yourself… but to understand yourself. Because when you understand your own patterns, you never fall for someone like him again. You choose differently. You choose better. You choose someone who is stable, sincere, consistent someone who gives your child a good example and gives you peace instead of worry. You’re already on that path, sweetheart. Keep walking forward. You’re doing the brave thing.

[Tyler Brooks]

That man is a parasite, and AskApril is right here that unless you change your own pattern, the person in front of you will continue to do the same. You should block this man in every way and strengthen your self-protection.
You asked why people do this. Simply, they consider you a resource, not a human being. When they need money or attention, they come back. Their return is not love, but their own benefit.
Cut him out of your life like he was never there.

[Member]

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