[izza]

I am a single woman of 33 years old. A few months ago I met through work a guy of 46 – we do not directly work together.
He has been married with children, divorced several years ago and his last relationship (with a woman even younger than me) ended a few months ago.
We have met a few times, at his initiative, but always at his or my place. He stays in touch from the one time to the other, but never by calling me, usually texts or mails etc. I never initiate contact, as I really cannot understand if he would like me to or not. Every time we arrange to meet, he is always very punctual and has never dropped or called off a meeting.
The last time we met before summer vacation we had a discussion, started by me of course, as to what is this whole thing – just casual encounters from time to time or what? No pressure applied, but just for me to understand where we stand. He made it very clear that he likes me very much but he cannot/does not want to have a relationship right now…I said that we should drop the whole thing then as I am not interested in only that. After that, we stopped communicating and then, suddenly, he started appearing in places he knew i would be, showing up to common colleagues friendly outings etc, which he was not doing before.
So, we started contact again and kept in touch during holidays; he was very eager to meet as soon as we were both back in town. Indeed we met a few days ago and I think that this time was maybe the best times of all, relaxed, cool, fun, and very very loving…and then, again, silence, though I know he has free evenings and goes out a lot.
I have never been in a situation like this before, I was used to have quite steady, lasting relationships, where from the beggining things would go rather smoothly from both sides. So, I really do not know how to handle this. Whenever we meet we have a great time, at all levels. And he seems to enjoy being with me too. I wouldn’t mind continue seeing him, even at these terms, as long as I do not have sth else in my life, but the problem is I get emotionally attached to this affair…so, every time we meet and have a great time but nothing seems to be moving a bit different afterwards, I do get very sad and very disappointed. Also, I am afraid that because of this situation I do not feel truly available to meet someone else.

I think the answer is quite obvious – drop the whole thing. But I was just wondering if there is some different handling I could follow to change this. As you may have guessed, I am very much interested in this person, otherwise I would not bother in the first place.

Many thanks for any advice!!!

[Ask April Masini]

I hate to break it to you (because you already understand what you need to do), but he’s playing you. He’s got other women he’s treating just like you and he likes to keep it all neat and tidy. As long as you don’t complain, he’s going to date you casually while he’s also secretly dating other women at the exact same time.

Clearly, you want a different kind of relationship and you know yourself well enough that you realize you’re becoming attached and unavailable to a man who may just be the real Mr. RIght!

This guy is a bad habit for you and you need to find a way to break the bad habit and only date men who have the same goals in mind for the relationship that you do.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes — I know this isn’t easy. And join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[izza]

So, after a couple of more meetings on the same pattern, and realising that I had been upset from the great periods of time between our meetings, he started a conversation as to what was wrong. I explained that I very much like him but I simply cannot continue on this same pattern…and he very clearly told me that he likes me and all, but he does not see a relationship at this point of his life (not with me at least, I suppose..) – followed by several, standard excuses and justifications.
Anyway, we have not been in any contact since (a couple of weeks ago) and, to be honest, much as I get very sad sometimes, I feel so relieved that I will not go through the waiting-for-him process again…

Thank you so much April, your advice helped a lot!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome. I’m glad you were able to figure things out without wasting too much of your time on Mr. Wrong. I hope you’ll buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man (here’s the automatic download link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] — but you can also buy it online at Amazon and the site for Barnes & Noble), because it will help you A LOT to avoid these traps you fell into and not waste your time or energy on men who, while they may be nice, kind and full of potential, aren’t Mr. Right.

Keep up with Ask April @AskAprilcom (on Twitter) and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[izza]

Dear April,

I am afraid that I might disappoint you with the follow-up of my story, but at least it will prove a great confirmation to all that you say, and might help a few other readers, so as not to lose their precious time.

Unfortunately, I did continue seeing this guy, under his own terms, every now and then; I am to blame, I know, but I liked him so much and I was falling into the trap that since it was always him to contact me and seek me etc., at least this was a token of interest and maybe, who knows, things would change. Of course nothing changed and when at some point a couple of months ago I confronted him as to what is this whole thing, he replied to me that I do not have the ‘something more’ he needs to make him get in a relationship (!!!) which of course made me leave on the spot and not speak to him again…later on, he contacted me again (for some reason of his own he cannot leave me alone either), refused he said this thing to me but that he only meant that he does not want to be in a relationship at this moment and to apologise and so on, and that he does not want to lose me from his life. I simply explained that I wish no further contact and it has been so since, two weeks ago.

To summarise, looking at my initial post hereabove a year ago, my patience, availability, kindness (and fear, big fear I may lose him if I speak up) proved absolutely pointless. If I had stopped seeing him, like you had so wisely advised me a year ago, I would have saved myself from very big heartache, and would have been free to other options, or even to nothing else, but at least I would have been calm.

Sometimes it seems we need to learn things the hard way; but, my strongest advice to anyone else reading is do not spend time on people who simply do not wish to be with you the way you want them to; do not be afraid to speak up and take drastic decisions; do not believe that by sitting patiently and waiting you will gain something, quite the opposite.

And DO listen to what April says!!!!

Best regards to all!

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you! 😀

[izza]

(I hope this is what you wanted me to do 🙂 posting this as a reply to my last string of comments)

Hi April,

First, let me tell you how much your ebook and advice helped me during a very difficult period in my life to understand my self-worth and raise my self-esteem. You are just great and so inspiring!

In fact, your advice and guidance helped me find this great man, whom I had been dating for the past seven months; he is divorced four years now and has a little boy of six. We were immediately very much in love with each other, and he was almost from the start discussing moving in together; he had also expressed his wish to have a family again.He had introduced me to his son almost immediately, and I am the first woman he presented to the boy since his divorce. I was even spending weekends and evening together with his son, with whom we got along very well. We were almost inseparable with this man, always together.

At a certain point, we started having some arguments – we are both a bit dynamic and this was leading to some misunderstandings…in the first few he was very anxious to solve the issue and get back together but his make-up desire gradually got reduced. On the last one, in July, he decided to break up with me, saying that he alreay has problems with his ex-wife, he needs a more calm relationship and he sees that our relationship cannot move further, as we are incompatible characters. (just to clarify, the arguments were nothing too much…)

At the time, I had a discussion with him, and in the end we agreed to get back together. Again, everything was perfect, we had great holidays and all. During the holidays we had a talk on children etc during which, for the first time, he said that having another child is not his priority, which I found a bit astonishing as this was the first time I heard about it. So, another heated discussion took place, but it was resolved and he continued telling me about moving in together when we get back to the city.

When we got back, I didn’t see him for several days because he had his son and several obligations – but, I was sick and this made me feel very lonely. so, I got a bit distant with him, we met a few times but I was quite frozen, then one evening another silly argument came about and bang, he very calmly and decidedly informed me that he wants to break up. That was a few days ago.

I tried to meet and talk, impossible. So, I sent him a very calm mail explaining my understanding of the situation and the problem (that we don’t react calmly to arguments, we both have pressure in our lives etc) but I also expressed my very deep feelings for him and the future potential I see for us together. He replied also very calmly saying that we are simply not compatible, this is not viable for something more serious and he wished me all the best…again I sent a mail trying to counter his arguments, but since then, no reply…

I am devastated, cant stop thinking about him and what to do…on the other hand, I understand that no more action should take place from my side…

I just don’t know what to do. Seems I blew this big time. He is a good man, April, and a man who really loved me and had proven it on so many occasions…I don’t want to lose him. Please tell me, is there something I can do? A couple of days after our last contact he sent me a couple of messages to which i reply politely but he never proposes to meet and I don’t either, thinking he needs perhaps some space. Anyway, the last few days, nothing but silence…

I will cherish your advice!
Many thanks,
izza

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like he wants a relationship with someone where there is less drama and less conflict. I’m not sure what your arguments were about, but when he broke up with you in July, that was his reason for doing so, and you seem to agree with it. After you got back together, it seems you had a “heated discussion” about his desire to have another child. I’m not sure why this was heated, but it seems like there was more drama, and that was a “take away” from the relationship for him.

When single parents date, there are more complications — he mentioned that he already has tension with his ex-wife with whom he co-parents, and he didn’t want to have tension and arguments with you. Whether or not you agree, he was making it clear what he wanted in a partner, and the two of you were not compatible.

My advice is to accept the incompatibility and the break up and move on. But next time, instead of getting deeply involved quickly, my advice is to take things slower while playing the field and find out as much as you can about whoever you dating, including what they’re looking for in a partner. Being brutally honest about yourself, what you offer, what you want, and what you can and cannot do, is very important. Sometimes people are very lovely, but they’re not compatible. Not every man who is incompatible with you will be a monster — some will be great guys — who just aren’t right for you (and vice verse). 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[izza]

🙂 Thank you April…well, the latest is that indeed during the week we met and discussed, he said he feels that maybe he is not ready for a relationship yet, and that we have too much tension between us. I said that I understand, and I love him but I will accept his decision.

Since then, we met at a party, he was always by my side, and together with my friends even if he had his one friends at the place. The next day, he sent me a goodmorning mail, and then a smiley message on facebook in the evening. And there I think I messed up, because as soon as I saw his fb message I called him on his mobile, he replied saying he was sleeping and then I also sent him a reply to his message on fb, saying that I love him. The result is that tonight, we met again at another party, he was very distant and cold towards me, a totally different person…and I suppose this is the result of my overreaction to his communication the day before…

indeed, I think it is over and I think I must stop any kind of contact with him, even if he sends me sth else…it’s just that for the moment it hurts so much…

thnx!
izza

[Ask April Masini]

Go back to Think & Date Like A Man, and read it again. 😀 [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[izza]

The guy I had mentioned in my previous post came back to me a few days later (just to remind you, I am 36 single, he is 39 divorced five years now and has a little son, we have been dating for the past nine months). We were perfectly well for another month and a half, no arguments or issues. At the beginning he was a bit withdrawn, but gradually we came back to the way we were before. In fact, to my mistake I think, I became myself totally available for him whenever he wanted to meet; I turned him into my top priority so that he could feel safe and happy.

Recently he changed jobs and he was under pressure. I have noticed that he was again a bit withdrawing. Last week, he avoided coming with me to a dinner with my friends but I thought it was ok as maybe he was tired or very busy the next day. The next day, he called me to inform me that due to some problems with his family I should make my own plans for xmas (we were planning to spend it together to the country that we both live abroad) as he might have to return to his home place unexpectedly and I risk to be left alone here. The same night, he went to a vernissage of one of his colleagues but didn’t invite me to go with him, and then went out with some male colleagues (as he said).

I thought maybe it would be better not to make too big a deal out of it, and give him some space – I also arranged to return to my country for xmas. During the weekend he had his son – I was the one calling him except Sunday evening – he tried to reach me but I was talking on the phone so didn’t get that he was calling me. So, the next morning he sent me an angry email complaining about the fact that I didn’t call him the night before. Again, I was patient and laughed it out, trying to avoid this turning into an argument.

Last night, he came by my place, we talked about some general stuff and he also informed me about another invitation he had from a colleague for next Saturday night, without inviting me to go along…So, at some point I started the discussion about what is wrong. He seemed really stressed and said that he is not sure, but he feels that our relationship is degrading very fast and that he is also tormenting me without it being my fault. He said that he feels that we are in different phases of our lives and he is afraid that he cannot offer me the things I want, marriage and children. At least not right now. He said that he is happy to be in a relationship but not with the above plans for the moment. I asked repeatedly if he wants to break-up, he was answering no, and he also assured me that there is no one else in his life, and that he wouldn’t be with me otherwise. I also said that for me children are important but I am not stressed that this is something that should happen in the next months. And then we made up, and spent the night together. Today he didn’t get in touch at all this far.

I feel that he is losing interest in me (even though last week for instance he got very jealous about an old boyfriend who contacted me) – I also see that he is avoiding to make me part of his new social circle. It seems that he is trying to slowly fade me out of his life, maybe this is the easiest way for him.

And my question is, how do I react to all that? Do I try to pretend that all is fine, give him space while I do my own life, go back to my home for xmas and see where we stand afterwards? Or should I end this now, to save at least any possible interest he might still have in me and make him miss me and think? Really April, this situation is such a slow torment…

Thanks for all your advice!

[Ask April Masini]

I’m very sorry, but I can’t help you any more. I’ve given you a lot of advice here, but you don’t take it — and you keep coming back to me with the same problem over and over. 😳

I am happy to give free advice, but at a certain point, I have to help only those who want to help themselves and make changes in their lives. You aren’t one of those people, so I wish you good luck!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Ask April Masini]

I’m very sorry, but I can’t help you any more. I’ve given you a lot of advice here, but you don’t take it — and you keep coming back to me with the same problem over and over. 😳

I am happy to give free advice, but at a certain point, I have to help only those who want to help themselves and make changes in their lives. You aren’t one of those people, so I wish you good luck!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

From the start, Izza’s situation wasn’t about one man, it was about her pattern. She kept gravitating toward emotionally unavailable men. Each time, she recognised the red flags early guys saying “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “you don’t have that something more”, but she kept hoping she could be the exception. That hope is powerful, but it’s dangerous, because it makes you chase potential instead of reality.

The first man, the divorced guy who said he didn’t want a relationship was showing his hand from day one. He told her who he was. The problem wasn’t that he played her; it was that she didn’t believe him. When someone says, “I don’t want a relationship,” believe them the first time. What she saw as affection or signs of care were just him keeping the door open for convenience.

The second man, the one with the child shows a different pattern: she got emotionally attached too fast and gave too much, too soon. She made him the centre of her world, became “totally available,” and lost her balance. When you make someone your top priority before they’ve earned it, they start taking you for granted. His withdrawal wasn’t sudden it was a response to the imbalance. She gave more than he asked for, and that tilted the dynamic.

April’s final message cutting her off was blunt, but I get why. Izza wasn’t listening. April kept giving her the same advice: walk away from men who don’t want what you want. Instead, Izza went in circles, hoping the same type of man would magically become emotionally available. Sometimes, the kindest thing a coach or advisor can do is step back and let someone face the consequences of their choices. That’s how real change happens.

What hurts most here isn’t the men, it’s her self-betrayal. She saw the truth and ignored it because she was afraid of being alone. That’s the real lesson. Until you value peace more than you fear loneliness, you’ll keep choosing confusion over clarity. She didn’t need to be “good enough” for those men she just needed to realise they weren’t good enough for her emotional depth.

Izza’s story is every person’s wake-up call who keeps saying, “Maybe he’ll change.” He won’t. You can’t negotiate someone into loving you the way you need. You can only choose differently next time. And once you finally learn to believe people’s actions not their apologies, not their excuses, that’s when you stop repeating this kind of pain.

[Tara]

this man has zero intention of giving you anything real. He told you straight to your face he doesn’t want a relationship, and you’re still hanging around hoping your warmth and patience will transform him into a boyfriend. It won’t. He’s not confused, he’s not wounded, he’s not “taking it slow.” He’s using you for comfort and intimacy on HIS schedule, with no emotional responsibility attached. That’s why he disappears after a perfect night he gets exactly what he wants, then retreats the second it risks becoming more.

He doesn’t call, he doesn’t initiate anything meaningful, he only shows up when it suits him, and he only reappeared after you walked away because he realized he was losing easy access to you. Him popping up at social events wasn’t romance it was control. He wanted to keep you orbiting while still enjoying the freedom of being single.

You’re not “waiting to see where this goes.” You’re emotionally handcuffing yourself to a man who already told you the ending. And every time you go back, you reinforce the message that he can have the benefits of you without committing to you. That’s why nothing ever moves forward. He doesn’t want it to.

[Author]

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