[Anonymous]

Hi April. I am going to try to condense this as much as possible. Have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. He has kids and so do I. He is a widower and I have been divorced for 5 years now due to my x husband not wanting to act married while we were together. I have a lot of trust issues with men. I am his first serious relationship since his wife died. I have a hard time accepting that his wife was a great Mom and wife. I think sometimes I get jealous of her. Weird I know but I haven’t had to deal with this before. He still has pics up at his house because of the kids being there and sometimes this makes me feel uncomfortable.

To describe what we have in short is to tell you that we have great chemistry and he is my best friend. I know no matter what, he there’s for me. I have met a lot of men since my divorce and he has been the only person I have clicked with. I love him like no other. He’s the person I call whenever I need to talk, etc. I’m sure you get what I’m saying. What we have is unique.

We have had a lot of stumbling blocks. That’s why I am writing to you. We have BOTH been texting other people, flirting etc. When I caught him, I was devastated. He said he was just flirting and it was nothing. Honestly, I don’t think he has even cheated on me physically. I was mad at him but I was doing the same thing! I guess we needed to get our expectations out on table first before we got serious. I don’t know, we are both new at this. In addition, when we broke up, which was 4 times throughout these past 18 months, I cheated physically on him. I didn’t feel bad becuase I was so mad at him for how he hurt me. He has no idea what I did. In addition, he had another child he never told me about till half way through our relationship. He had this child before he was married 20 years ago. I don’t know why he would keep this from me but he said it wasn’t a big deal because she was older and he doesn’t have much interaction with her. Whatever, don’t know why he wouldn’t tell me this since we are so close and talk about everything together.

I am saying all of this because we are so back and forth with our relationship. When I have left him, I feel sick and don’t want to be without him. I always want to be with him and we make a great team together as single parents. I really feel like if we can work through things, this will be a successful relationship. My issue with him is trust because he has lied to me in the past and I feel like I really can’t trust him. Honestly and trust are huge to me, especially since my x husband always lied, cheated, etc. Is this something we can work through?

We have had some major stumbling blocks. My best friend said he’s a liar and manipulator and that I need to walk away. Most of my friends told me the same. A psychic that I went to once told me to stay away from him that he likes the ladies too much. This all worries me.
Any words of advice?

[Ask April Masini]

I think the reason that you are back and forth in your relationship is because you are back and forth about yourself in your own mind. This relationship problem has less to do with your boyfriend than it does to do with you and what you think is a healthy relationship.

First of all, your jealousy over his late wife is something that is understandable, but not mature. She didn’t do him wrong, and because he has children with her, it’s important to have some photos of her around the house, as long as they are not the ONLY photos around the house. Eventually, if you do become an important part of his life, and even his second wife, those photos can be put in the children’s’ rooms so that they can remember their mom. It would behoove you to be glad that she was a good person and to empathize with the people you love that this woman was taken from them, too soon. Think about the wrong your ex-husband did you and how it is now negatively affecting your relationship with this new man. Be glad that your new boyfriend’s late wife left him willing and able to be in a relationship with you! 🙂 She didn’t scar him and the his children except by her untimely death, which wasn’t her fault. If you become a part of his family, she will be part of your extended family — if only in memory. So open your mind a little, and try to find grace in your acceptance of her memory and the positive role she plays in your ability to be family — if that indeed happens.

Second of all, you call him your best friend, but he sure doesn’t act like a best friend from what you’ve described. 😕 You need to be a little more realistic and a little less romantic about the relationship. A best friend wouldn’t have kept a grown child as a secret from you — if he was serious about his relationship with you. Seriously. Imagine a best friend not telling you this information. It’s curious as to why he didn’t tell you, and it does raise the question as to what else he is keeping secret.

The flirting you both do with other people is a sign that neither one of you is ready to commit to each other. Although you’re going through the motions, a man who is ready to settle down will act settled down. You and your boyfriend doing this text-flirting with other men and women doesn’t imply you’re ready to be serious with each other.

Based on what you’ve written I think you can work through these problems IF you both want to — and that’s a big IF. It takes two people to want the relationship to work in the same way to even begin to make it work. In addition, blended families are a lot harder to make work than re-marriages with no children. That said, it’s definitely possible.

Your friends’ dislike of this guy is of serious concern, and while you say they think he’s a liar and a manipulator, you’ve only told me one thing he lied about and nothing he’s done to manipulate anything.

Overall, YOU have to decide if you are ready and willing to be in a serious marriage-minded relationship with this man, and if so, where your boundaries are for yourself as well as for him. If you have this self knowledge, you won’t be so confused about whether to stay or go.

Nobody is perfect, but usually the good outweighs the bad in any decision to stay. Do the math.

I hope that helps — and that you’ll join me on Facebook. My link for becoming a member of AskApril.com on Facebook is: [url][/url]. 🙂

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