[lulututu]

During a business trip in September of 2010, I met a man named Peter. The sparks were there instantly, but I was married and didn’t cross that line. (My wedding band had a diamond loose and it was at the jeweler’s being repaired, so he initially thought I was single.) A mutual friend told me Peter was going through a divorce, so I figured he was on the rebound anyway, and didn’t think much more about it. He was persistant though, calling me and dropping by to visit me at the office. The first time he stopped in my office, he saw my ring and the look in his eyes told me he was almost devastated. It sort of amused me, but I still wouldn’t bring myself to go down that road, despite the fact that I was miserable in my marriage.

Things got pretty rough for me at home and my husband asked for a divorce. I was just trying to hang on until my daughter graduated from high school, which she will do in May 2012.

But in August of 2011, Peter once again stopped by my office, and I knew right then and there that I was in love with him. We had stayed in touch via occasional email, phone calls, and his visits. Never anything inappropriate. And never anything very personal. But that day in August, when he walked out of the door, I felt as if my heart was breaking. I sent him a text later and asked why it was that he continued to pursue me when he knew I was married. He responded by telling me that he was just drawn to me and he couldn’t stop thinking about me. That day, we began a two-month love affair, despite the fact that I was married. I soon learned that he and his wife had never finalized their divorce, so he was still married. But since he traveled so frequently, he was rarely at home. He said he figured if he was still married, he knew his daughters were being cared for and were living a comfortable life, and his wife had been diagnosed with some rare eye disorder that will eventually leave her blind, so he felt like he couldn’t go through with the divorce because she would be without insurance, which she desperately needed. I was fine with him being married. I figured that if he was married, he wouldn’t push me to get a divorce and I could take care of ending my marriage in my time.

Well, things happened so quickly. I don’t think ever of us realized how we could be consumed by our love for each other. Because we were both married with kids, living in separate states – hours apart, and because he traveled a great deal, we did a lot more talking to each other than seeing each other. But that didn’t seem to matter. We exchanged 3 and 4 phone calls and sometimes as many as 100 texts a day and during that time, we learned that we were so much alike. We had very similar childhoods. We shared a lot of the same beliefs – religious, political, etc. We enjoyed the same types of hobbies. We actually could complete each other’s sentences. He could be on the other side of the world and sense that I was having a bad day and call just to check on me.

Things all fell apart after 2 months, when he told his wife he wanted a divorce, and I told my husband that I was ready to sign the papers. I told my husband that I had met someone else and I was ready to move on. He told his wife pretty much the same thing, but his daughters put up a fight. The older one (20 years-old) threatened to disown him and have nothing to do with him. The younger one broke down and physically became ill. Of course, neither of us wanted to bring our families that much pain, so we broke things off and agreed to work on our marriages.

Well, it has now been about 3 months since we ended that relationship. We still have to deal with each other occasionally through work and have emailed and talked a couple of times since the break-up. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get him off my mind. And apparently he is the same way because he sends me random texts or emails telling me he is thinking about me. I have tried to love my husband like I love Peter, but I can’t. I have never felt this way about anyone before. And I have had the chance to fill the void he left with other men, but I can’t bring myself to see anyone else. I only want him.

We had to spend the day together yesterday for work. Actually, we didn’t have to. He just decided that he “needed” to be at the meeting, and I was hesitant at first, but went along with it. We did a great deal of talking afterwards and came to the conclusion that we really were meant to be together. The problem is that making ourselves happy will hurt our families that we love.

Is this love too good to be true? Is it something we should pursue? Or do we need to walk away completely and go our separate ways, no matter how miserable we are?

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

The big mistake you made was combining your divorce discussion with your husband with the fact that there is another man. I always counsel couples who are divorcing to leave other romances out of the situation until the ink dries on the divorce — and even then, if there are children involved, keep the romance on the down low until you’re ready to marry that other person. Even husbands like yours, who wanted the divorce before you did, suddenly become territorial over you if they think there is another man. But that boat has left the dock, so to speak.

Now, you have the question of what YOU want to do in YOUR life. You really can’t count on Peter because it isn’t clear he’s going to do the same thing you will, and it seems that his children are more involved in his marriage and decisions related to it than yours are. So you have to decide if a divorce is something you want even if Peter weren’t in your life. If you want a divorce, then get one. If you don’t, then don’t.

I know you have a tough decisions in front of you, and yes — your situation with Peter is too good to be true, as you see it — because his wife or soon to be ex-wife will always hold you responsible for their divorce and so too, probably, will his children, who will ALWAYS be in his life, and if he’s with you, your life, too. So make your decision based on your marriage and only your marriage.

As for continuing the affair as married people, that is a possibility, but now both of your spouses suspect the worst and will be checking for signs of infidelity. This may drive them to want the divorce you and Peter both asked for, and if that’s what you want, then consider that possibility, but it will still hurt the others in your families. But that’s already been done. 😳

You mostly talk about Peter and the romance you have, but you really haven’t talked about what’s wrong with your marriage, and I think that that is really where you need to start.

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