[Anonymous]

Dear April,

There’s a lot that I’ve been having to deal with and think about lately, so I figured I’d give it a shot and see someone else’s opinion on it.

Very recently I broke up with my girlfriend of 9 months. We broke up for 2 reasons, one big and one smaller. The smaller one was simple, we really weren’t getting along and we were fighting a lot.

Fine, but in my opinion, it all came back to what the main reason was.

We’re both in college at the moment, and we met there, so we don’t live anywhere near each other. I live in eastern West Virginia, and she lives in southern West Virginia. Although, there in lies the problem.

Her parents grew up in that part of the state, which is, as some may guess, a very different part of the country. A very prejudice part really.

I’m African American, and she is White. She refuses to tell her parents about me, because of what they might say. Although, her parents in themselves aren’t the ones who are racist/prejudice, it’s the rest of her family. Her uncles, Grandparents, etc, who are the problem. She is afraid to tell her parents, i guess in fear of being shunned by her family.

Now I would understand this, if not for the fact that her parents love her. In addition to that, I can almost garauntee her, that even if she did tell her parents, they would care enough about keeping their families “reputation” intact, to not even bother telling the rest of the family. I told her, that I only wanted her parents to know, I didn’t care about anyone else, because there really wasn’t a point to it.

I know the girl loves me, but being black and having to have dealt with that several times before in my life, i one way or another; it really hurts me to have to hide from her family. It goes so deep, to the point where she doesn’t want me to talk when she’s on the phone with her mom, we can’t be “Facebook Official”, and we can’t be tagged in pictures together. Which one, makes me think that our relationship doesn’t even exist. And two, that her parents aren’t even aware that we’re even FRIENDS… when meanwhile she has other black friends.

At any rate, this past December, right before we went on break; I told her that if she wanted to go anywhere with this relationship, that I wanted her to at least TRY to mention me to her parents. She talks to me all the time about how cool they are; and considering that I love their daughter to death, i’m not a drug dealer, I’m a straight A student studying computer science, and I don’t carry on the stereotype of what they may think a “Typical black kid” might be or look like, I think that at least they’d consider it. And if not, then fine…at least she tried.

Well the break was over, it was about a month later.. her nervousness got the best of her again…and she didn’t try. After trying to come to terms with it, it got worse, and we started to argue more, and I truly believe it all went back to me carrying the “baggage” of her not caring enough to mention me to the two closest people in her life. In the end, I broke up with her.

Pardon the block of text above, it just feels good to get some of that out. My problem (finally) is this though.

It’s been about 3 weeks since we broke up, we both miss each other dearly. I miss her so much it makes me cry, I can’t sleep at times, I skip class, and it really brings me down. I want to be with her, and I figured me showing that I wasn’t joking, and breaking up with her, would at least show her that I love her, but I can’t deal with that. She takes it as me being a jerk, or something of the sort. I mean really? Can most people think of anyone who would deal with something like that, just because they loved someone… for almost a year? Most people would be gone the first month, if that.

I know she loves me, and I know she wants to be with me.. but what I don’t know is why she’s not making the effort to even try to get me back, when all she’s telling me these days is how good I was to her, and how special I made her feel.

I just need advice on one thing… I know I deserve better than that… but should I bother at this point? I can’t help but chase her, because I miss her so much and it stresses me a lot. But she’s saying she needs “time”… which I understand, but I feel like I gave her all the time in the world, during the 9 months I was dating her.

What should I do?…. help please.

-Wayne

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can do better. Whether you want to admit it or not, it’s not just her family that carries racial prejudice. Her refusal to acknowledge you as even a friend, let alone the boyfriend you were, on Facebook — and not introducing you to her parents because you’re black….is her own prejudice. I know it’s hard for you to understand that, but that are variations of prejudice and her “staying in the closet” with you is one of them.

Don’t be part of it. You deserve someone who is proud to be with a straight A college student –no matter what color he is — but because of his character and personality. She can’t see past your skin color. Find someone who can. I know you miss her, but the relationship is a dead end for you. Imagine having a marriage and children with her — you’d be in misery, as would your relationship (not to mention your mixed race children) — because of her inability to see beyond skin color. Sorry. Find Ms. Right. She’s not it. You’ll get through the pain and when you’re with the right person, you’ll be so happy and this time in your life will become a small blip on the radar screen! 😉

I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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