[Mike]

Hi April,

So I’ve been dating a girl for about six months now (I’m 22, she’s 20), and we’re both really into each other. We’ve both been in a few relationships before, and we’ve both been hurt a good deal (I was cheated on after 3 1/2 years in my previous relationship, and towards the end of hers she was stalked and had to get a restraining order).

We’re crazy about each other. We’ve never had an argument, never raised our voices at one another. We just click. We enjoy every single minute that we get to spend together, even though it’s not much. We were attending the same university when the relationship started, but I’ve graduated now and plan on going to South Korea in the Fall to teach English for a year (she’s got two more years of undergrad). I can honestly say that no one has ever made me happier in my entire life.

So here’s the problem: We more or less “broke up” a few days ago, because we both agreed we need to focus on ourselves for a while (I’m going to Korea, and she’ll be studying abroad in Vienna in the Spring). She is very, very focused on her field (music performance) and most of her life is playing music. For this reason, she feels that sometimes thoughts of me in her head are distracting her from focusing on her music, despite the fact that she already practices for several hours a day. I must concede that thoughts of her often distract me from focusing on my own aspirations–for a while I was planning to stay here and take classes at a local college and try to find a minimum wage job so that I could be closer to her, instead of going to Korea. But the bottom line is, she doesn’t want to be distracted by a relationship when she goes to Vienna next Spring (and right now she’s at a music camp, so she wants to focus extra hard now, as well). However, she still really, really likes me, and we really don’t want to get over each other. We’re still talking, though not as much right now–we’ve agreed to give each other some space for a while.

We’re crazy about each other, but we both know that now is the time to focus on ourselves. What I’m worried about is that either thoughts of her/missing her will get in my way when I go to Korea, or that I will get over her now and then look back on my life when I’m older (and have had other lovers) and wish that I had held onto her– I’m afraid that I won’t find someone that I’m as happy with (somewhat like Rose from the movie, The Titanic). There has not been a single moment that I’ve been with her that I wasn’t entirely enamored and completely content. I love the qualities she brings out in me; she gives me confidence, which has been somewhat of a rarity over the course of my life thus far; she makes me excited about everything, about life–after all, there’s no reason not to love every little thing! and I’m just happy in general, which I can’t remember experiencing since I was very, very young.

I think that ultimately the decision I’m facing is whether to buy into the Romanticism and idealism that is a youthful, hopeful outlook of what a relationship could be (soul mates, etc.), or the more quasi-nihilistic way of thinking that I’ve been recently more prone to: that it doesn’t really matter; that I will be able to fairly easily find someone who makes me happy when I’m really ready to settle down.

I just really don’t know what to do, and I don’t know who else to ask–help would be much appreciated!

Thanks for your time,
Mike

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The practical approach to this problem requires you to understand that whether you sacrifice your career for your heart or sacrifice your heart for you career, you have to make a sacrifice either way. Welcome to adulthood! 😉 My advice is that you revel in the love you have and let go of each other for very good reasons: you’re both an age where opportunities to study in Vienna and Korea are unique. They don’t come along as easily when you get older. In addition, you’re both free of many obligations that accompany adults who have spouses, children, ex-spouses, step-children, mortgages, family obligations, etc.

There are no insurance policies for love and romance and you don’t know what the future will hold when you separate, but you have to make the best decision possible for you for the long run and be cognizant of your decision making process. Since you both had prior relationships that were troubled, even if this one ends, it will give you experience with a relationship that was good. There are other good relationships out there. I promise. 😀 But they’re only as good as you’re ready for them, so be your best self and trust that there is love for you on that path.

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