[Troubled Troop]

I recently got married to my husband (less then 6 months ago) whom I’ve been dating long distance for the last 2 years. We are both in the Military and currently deployed. He is serving in Afgahanistan and I am serving in Iraq. Throughout the two years everytime we had a chance we spent time together and each time was more blissful then the one prior. I owe all of my most wonderful memories to him.
As much as I care for my husband I had already cheated on him twice. I feel horrible about it afterwards but I keep finding myself falling into the same patterns. I don’t know what comes over me but when the oppurtunity presents itself I take it. I dont know if it’s for attention, knowing he’ll never find out unless I tell him, or maybe just to feel like a woman and get that affection. I have not seen my husband since the day after we got married 6 months ago and it’ll be at least another 5 months before I see him again. We don’t have a steady form of communication and sometimes we go weeks without any communication at all. I dont know what to do. Are these reactions normal for a woman who is always away from her spouse? I do love my husband and I have considered telling him but he’s in too much of a dangerous area to allow him to lose his focus. It’s so hard to find any type of comfort; long hours of work in addition to the stress of being in a combat zone and being attacked by morters/rockets. For both him and I it’s critical that we concentrate on work and focus on what we do on the daily basis. For him moreso because he is in hostile areas daily. I wouldn’t want my selfishness for pleasure to cost him his life, limb or eyesight for not paying attention. All I want is to go home, be with him and have a happily ever after. Is that too much to ask or have I already ruined what hasen’t even gotten started?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Lots of people get confused as to which organ in their body they should follow! 😆 In your case, your brain is what you should lead with right now. Your heart needs to follow as a close second. Let me explain…

You are absolutely correct in your understanding of the imminent danger you and your husband are in as American servicemen and women. Your health and safety has to come first. It would be imprudent to distract him or yourself with upsets that neither one of you can do anything about right now. So don’t reveal your indiscretions to your husband who you love, have cheated on, and who you realize needs all his focus and strength to stay alive while deployed as a U.S. military serviceman. Got that? Keep your indiscretions to yourself for now, and keep him alive.

Next, you need to understand that your marriage is not the norm because you are away from your husband so much — in fact, your entire relationship that includes two years of long distance dating and six months of long distance marriage, is unusual. That doesn’t mean it can’t work. It can. But you have to ease up on yourself and him so that you can do your jobs. You’re in a special circumstance and staying healthy and safe is first and foremost on your list.

All that said, it is understandable that you are lonely and have succumbed to intimacy, companionship and sex from men who are at hand rather than abide by your marriage vows with your husband who is thousands of miles away from you regularly. You don’t have a normal marriage, and in order to make it work, you’re going to have to apply special circumstances and rules.

I don’t believe you have ruined what hasn’t started — however, that’s going to depend on your husband’s feelings. Relationships only work when there are mutual agreements about everything. You both don’t have to agree one hundred percent on everything, but you have to be able to compromise and have enough agreement that your life together works in a healthy and peaceful way.

The question will arise when you get back together in five months from now in a normal setting, as to whether or not you should tell your husband about your indiscretions. That decision is going to be the first step in your normal life together. So think about the pros and cons of telling him, and whether telling him about your indiscretions is going to be more important to him or to you. Also consider his point of view since he, too, is in the same situation you are, and how you would feel if he loves you to death, but has had indiscretions of his own during your time apart.

If you don’t tell him about your indiscretions, you have to understand that you will have to find a way to deal with keeping a secret. How important is that to you in your relationship with him? How mature is he in understanding the circumstances and the person he married (for better or for worse)?

For now, you keep safe and keep him safe, and consider how you want to handle things in five months from now when you’re going to be together again on a more normal basis. But keep your indiscretions to yourself for now.

[Hazley Joy]

Long distance relationship is really hard especially for those people who easily tempted and don’t know how to be loyal in their partners. Yes, you might feel lonely when you’re far away from your husband but it’s never be an acceptable reason for you to cheat. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. If you want a future with your husband, be honest to him and don’t put yourself in a complicated situation.

[Member]

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