[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now. I love her a lot but our relationship has had its lows. While we were together for the first five months, she cheated on me. I found out but she kept denying it even though I knew for a fact that she did. I broke up with her and and we obviously weren’t on good terms. We stopped talking for six months and one day, I received an e-mail from her telling me that she misses me and she still loves me and that she cannot get over me. Since I had not stopped loving her, and I missed her as well, I was happy to hear from her. We made up and we started to see each other again. She still had not confessed to anything and still kept denying that she cheated on me. I began to regret taking her back so easily and realized that I rushed back into the relationship without thinking things through.

Wanting to hear the truth from her mouth, one day I confronted her about and showed her the proof that I knew she was cheating on me (e-mail messages). She admitted to everything and said she was sorry for everything and made a terrible mistake. She also added that she hadn’t realized that she loved me when she was with me for the first five months and that while we weren’t together, she realized how much she loves me.

Our relationship right now is very shaky. I think I still resent her for how she treated me. I am having major trust issues with her. Even though she says she wouldn’t ever hurt me again, I feel paranoid and jumpy all the time. I am tired of feelings stressed because it is starting to get to me. Also, through a little bit of digging, I’ve learned she has met many guys off the internet and had sexual relationships with them long before we even started talking and even during the six months we didn’t talk. This makes me look at her differently and I don’t think I respect her like I used to and it makes me even more paranoid.

We have our good times but when I start to think about what she did or if something reminds me of how hurt I was when I learned she cheated on me, I distance myself from her and get into a really bad mood and don’t feel close to her and she notices that as well. But I still cannot get myself to break up with her because I will miss her so much. I don’t know if I can ever trust her completely or ever be able to let the past go. At the same time, I don’t know if I will be making a mistake if I break up with her. What if she loves me a lot and really does feel sorry for how she treated me? Can love and affection be enough without trust? Should I just forgive and and forget the past and start fresh? Is that even possible? I just don’t know what to do. Our relationship can’t keep going like this but at the same time I don’t want to be without her. I still love her. I don’t want to hurt her by telling her its over. But I don’t want to hurt myself either by going through this stress or putting myself in a position to get hurt again. Please help.

[Ask April Masini]

In answer to your question, C[i]an love and affection without trust be enough?[/i], the answer is no. In fact, you can pay for love and affection in certain states. 😆 Trust is not something you can buy or enforce. It’s what another person gives you. The glue of any long term relationship is respect, trust and intimacy. The problem with what your girlfriend is not just that she cheated on you for five months. She also lied to you about it. In fact, even after you broke up, got back together, and were dating her in round two, she didn’t come clean until you put e-mail proof of her cheating in front of her. 🙁 This indicates that she would never have told you the truth if you hadn’t become a detective and a lawyer in love.

Now, the second and bigger part of the problem is you! You want things that you [i]can[/i] have — but I don’t know that you can have them from her. You don’t want to be lonely, so you don’t want to break up with her, but you don’t understand that you already have periods of loneliness within this relationship because you remember her cheating and lying and are worried about it happening again (understandably). You worry about your future with her because you don’t know if you’ll ever have that trust that is the glue of a long term relationship. This creates loneliness within your relationship.

You’re hoping that your love for her and hers for you will be enough, but deep down, you know it’s not enough and that’s why you’re writing me. Real love means putting the relationship and the other person as priorities. It entails sacrifice and doing the right thing for the greater good of the relationship. By cheating and lying for so long to you, she put you on a back burner to her own desires and her own life.

I don’t think this is going to work out for you in the long run because your higher self knows what the right thing to do is, but your ego doesn’t want to be alone. I’m here to tell you that you’ll do better alone and be available for Ms. Right if you don’t trap yourself in a relationship that’s already crashed and burned once, and that is giving you pause.

If any of this rings true for you, then you’ll understand she’s not Ms. Right. And if it doesn’t ring true — I’m sure you’ll let me know! 😀

[Anonymous]

So true April! You will be better alone. You will never be able to trust her and you don deserve it. make the leap and leave her. It will be hard for about a month or two but you will get over it. April is sooo right, you have to leave thw door open for mrs. right and if you waisiting your time w someome that lies and cheats, who wants that??? I always go w the philsophy of once a cheater, always a cheater. you need to be with someone who appreicates you and put your relationmship first! good luck.

[Ask April Masini]

Nice input, [i]Bellaluna1118[/i]. I think it’s really valid advice. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thank you April for the advice. And bellaluna also. The advices were both really helpful. I think I just needed the confirmation from someone. Anyway, I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of days ago and told her I needed trust and I don’t think I can ever get that with her. She was understandably really hurt. I felt horrible hurting her like that but I just know its the right thing for me. I do believe she has feelings for me so that is why this was especially tough. However, she still wants to be friends. She said she still wants to talk to me and see how I am doing. Is this a good idea? I really don’t know. I think if I continue talking to her…we might fall back into the relationship again. I know she manipulates me at times to get her way or to wiggle her way out of trouble but I don’t want her to manipulate me like that anymore. Sure I also want to talk to her but maybe I just want to talk to her because I don’t want to completely let go of her. Should I just stop talking to her completely so there’s no chance of me falling back into the relationship? Or is it harmless if I talk to her once in awhile as long as I am strict about this relationship being over for good?

Also, on the subject of me not letting go of her because I will be lonely, I think it is very true. She was my first serious relationship and is my first love. She was also the first person I have been physically intimate with. Perhaps the biggest reason why I didn’t want to let her go is because I am not that secure with myself and do not have high self esteem and to be honest, I am scared that I might not ever find someone again. On top of that, I’ve always thought she was very pretty and too good for me. She was well out of my league and I used to wonder why she was with me.

That being said, are there any good books you recommend to improve self esteem and confidence? I have read a couple but they did not help that much. Again, I greatly appreciate the advice.

Also, do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater April? (Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about getting back with her… hehe…I just want to know if that’s a valid philosophy to go by in the future)

[Ask April Masini]

Your instincts are correct, so don’t try to talk yourself out of them. It is wrong for you to be friends with your freshly ex-girlfriend now. It will impede your healing and confuse you — and her. Make a clean break so that you can heal, figure out what you want next, and move on.

Break ups are supposed to hurt so that you can move on and stay away from the pain. Getting back together will cause prolonged pain. So YOU take the lead, and don’t be friends with her.

You should take a look at my book called Date Out of Your League that I wrote for men. It is a self help book for men who want to find Ms. Right and it helps them understand what women want, helps them stop dating THE WRONG WOMEN, and helps them understand what their true value is. I think it may help you not just build your self esteem, but [i]build a life[/i] that builds your self esteem. You can download it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]

Let me know if this helps and how you’re doing. 🙂

[Author]

Posts