[Anonymous]

my problem isnt much of a problem really..
Im 23 my boyfriend is 25 weve been together for a year. We are so very much in love and dont take this the wrong way we have definitely had our share of problems!
background: in the beginning he continued talkin to his ex pretty much leadin her on even tho he knew and his whole family knew that he didnt want a future with her… well pretty much I hadnt really been in a realll relationship in a lon time so it took a lot of adjustin for me but I knew that he was sometin special and I wanted to be in a relationship with him! I reallly liked him from the start like no other guy before..

Well he always would tell me how he really liked me and im somethin diff and he didnt want me to hurt him cuz he knew there were always guys after me and i never talked to them.. even the first time his friends met me they told him u should marry this girl!! and his friends arent even the type of ppl to think about commitment!
so anyway.. things were great until I looked throu his phone and saw that his ex was still txtn him.. some friendly some a little more like how she wants to be with him and at the time he lied and told me she knew he had a girlfriend..
about the ex: together a year..lon distance she lived in NV he is in Cali..his mom hated her.. he never loved her.. she was obsessed wit him.. she moved out here for him but didnt live toether and eventually broke up cuz he really couldnt see her all te time.. hee pretty much was sick of her.. so I knew i didnt have to worry about cheatin cuz she is far away.. and they broke up a year and a half before we were datin

so 4 months into our relationship he tells me he loves me and I loved him.. and we were just sooo happy well he eventually became more confident tat i really did love him and I wasnt plannin on ruinin anythin btwn us..
well he cut off ties wit his ex after the I love you convo.. and would only talk to her SOMETIMES wen she would txt so maybeee every 2 weeks the rest of te time not respondin to her.. so then ended up chanin his number and til now they dont talk and she doesnt have the new number!!
well here is the tricky part.. about 7 months ago she txtd his sis askin for somethin of hers from my bf.. so he called back not from his number.. and she starts telln him she saw my myspace.. and told him my name and all this at the time i was confused cuz it turns out he never told her about me just chaned his number.. she said u look like ur married and happy and u love her.. she asked him y ciouldnt u love me? he said I just didn;t .. and I believe that ONE woman can come around and chane a man and that is me to him!

point is: doesnt talk to her at all… but my bf loves to txt not as muc as before but i know he likes to txt.. but he only has 2 friends that are of the opposite sex cuz he knows I had a hard time trustin him after the whole x thin.. both of these women know about me and i have met one so it really is harmless and I have a few male friends he has nothin to worry about!
we are always toether everythin is wonderful! we are plannin on marryinn probably in about 2 years.. he tells ppl we are promised! his mom tells me he loves me so much and she never thiouht he would feel this stronly about someone considerin he never cared to be married! so here is my problem!!! I keep readin these damn problems everyone has in this forum! and ppl r txtn coworkers after 10 yrs of marriae and ppl are havin affairs and it makes me soo scared that he will do tat to me even tho he has not given me a reason for it and he is very anti cheatin!! and I am scared and I dont know y but these posts r makin me crazy! and I mentioned to him that ppl cheat in marriaes and all this stuff and Im ready to be soo committed to him bcause he is everythin to me!!! and he keeps tellin me y r u sayin love is scary? y do u think imma hurt u? im not goin to cuz ur te most important person in my life!
so what do i need to do? stop over analyzin everythin?? what if he becomes over friendly wti a female co worker ! ahhhh

[Ask April Masini]

You know, you may see a movie about a woman who can’t have children, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to worry about infertility because it’s not on your radar and you can’t imagine it’s going to be a problem for you. But if you do see a movie that has something to do with your life, it may stay with you because you relate to something about that movie. The same is true when you read the posts on this relationship forum and feel that you could end up being one of these people. The reason you’re relating to these posts is that your problem is similar to many of theses peoples’ problems, and you know, deep down, that something isn’t the way you’d like it to be.

It sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t been completely honest with you about his ex-girlfriend (and he hasn’t been completely honest with her, either). He also likes to text, and you’re worried that this texting other women may lead to other relationships besides the one he has with you. You’re not crazy — you see the beginning of a potential problem. What you need to do is to stop jumping ahead to a future that may or may not happen.

My advice to you is to focus on what the real problem is and to stop blaming or fantasizing about what isn’t — for instance, don’t blame his ex-girlfriend for texting him — instead, hold responsible your boyfriend for not telling her he’s in a relationship. That she had to find out about you by sleuthing on the internet doesn’t speak well of his feelings about your relationship. Don’t bad mouth the ex-girlfriend and build yourself up based on what his family and friends may or may not have said about you, her and him. Forget all that gossip. And while you’re in this relationship now, don’t hold a “promise” for marriage in two years as anything other than a possibility.

Instead, continue to get to know your boyfriend and be honest with yourself about what you learn. He may or may not be Mr. Right for you, but it sounds like you’ve got some doubts right now. If he is looking for relationships outside of his romantic interest and his male friends and family and co-workers, he’s probably going to continue to look for female stimulation outside of these safer relationships. You may want to keep your mind open about who Mr. Right actually is for you.

[Anonymous]

He isn’t looking for anyyy romantic relationships or any relationships outside of us… and I agree with the fact that it caught my attention because it is something that deep down I might believe in.. and i’ve mentioned it to him and he is very genuine to me about saying that it’s not something he would do..
It’s just confusing because he hasn’t shown any sign of repeating what happened with his ex so that’s why I wonder if I should just drop it?

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, for now drop it, but be aware of your relationship, your boyfriend and yourself, and if you see any indication that a pattern has recurred, or is occurring for the first time, reconsider the relationship at that time.

[Anonymous]

ya I think that’s best.. because I don’t think it’s fair to automatically assume things just because he did it one time and it was in the beginning.. i’ve learned a lot about how different relationships are in the beginning and then when you really know that’s the person you want to be with for a life time.. There are many things about him that are just amazing and I shouldnt be trying to make issues when he really hasn’t given me a reason.. i don’t think I should live my life in fear of him hurting me when he really hasn’t but I believe in every relationship you still have to keep a little bit of your guard up and always be aware of things like you said.. If he gives me a reason then I will care but I can’t live my life in fear or what may happen in ten years when we are married if he hasn;t given me a reason.. and for that reason I am going to continue to just be completely happy because that’s what I am =)

[Ask April Masini]

Try and think about keeping an open mind rather keeping your guard up. It’s a less defensive way to look at the world that may help you from trying to create problems and instead, seeing things as they are. 🙂

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