[caz210]

So I met a girl online last year, november 2009, we talked for 2 months, finally met in December 2009, and it went really well. We saw each other every weekend or so, she lived an hour away at a different school, and things were amazing. We never fought, argued, etc, and always had a great time. We became a couple in the end of February, and again, things just kept getting better, until she told me in the end of May when I was graduating that she loved me, and I realized I loved her too, and told her so the next time I saw her. Up to this point, we had been seeing each other every weekend, sometimes two weeks at the absolute most.

Then the summer comes around, she moves down to the shore, and the distance is up to 2.5 hours, but we’re still seeing each other a lot through the month of June. July hits and I move so that we’re 8 hours away, and almost immediately, she has problems, feeling like we’re not connected, etc, but we manage to get through that, being 3 weeks in between visits, and then it happens again 3 weeks later; she wants to cut ties with everything, just be free, do her own thing, but we stay together. Whenever we see each other, and are together, its like we’re alone in the world, we’re totally into each other. When she is away from me though, she gets depressed, doesn’t open up as much, and lets little things bother her until the little things push her away from me, then she doesn’t care about ‘US’ and finally tells me what is on her mind. So July and August were rough, but then September I go visit her for a week at school, things are awesome again, and in the beginning of October, her friend gets married, so she’s all lovey dovey.

She comes to visit me the next week, and was going to come home again for Halloween but ended up going out, partying, losing her wallet, etc, and not being able to drive home the next day. Around that same time, I still hadn’t found any work around here, and we had talked about living together, marriage, kids, and a life together in general since the summer, so I suggested I could move to be near her and work at a restaurant in town. She shot it down after thinking about it and realizing she wasn’t ready for that, it brought up too many memories of her other relationship, which lasted a year and was with a verbally abusive and controlling guy. So after shooting that down she says we need to take a break, she needs to do her thing, and think of herself as single for a bit, which she does until she comes home for Thanksgiving, at which point, again following the pattern, things are amazing, like nothing was ever wrong in the first place.

Then she goes back out to school, and after 2 weeks she tells me she isn’t sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore, she isn’t sure we’re compatible, etc, we’re too serious, too young, etc. She comes home over Christmas, we spend 7 or 8 days together over the course of the break, and things are amazing again, she is in love with me, I’m perfect, she’s sorry she ever doubted our compatibility, she’s talking about marriage, kids, etc. When she came home for break, we talked and agreed to give things one more shot, she was getting tired of the up and down that she was feeling, and quite frankly I was too and told her so, and told her to be honest with me when she got back out to school. Well she gets back out to school, and I sense something is wrong pretty soon, but she doesn’t mention it, puts it off, until 2 weeks after being in my arms (Jan 9) she hides her relationship status on facebook (Jan 22), and 5 days later (Jan 27), she says she’s over our relationship, she can’t do it anymore. Next day she gets in touch, says she doesn’t want to lose her feelings for me, so lets see how things go. A few days later (Jan 30), she sends me a message saying she is tired of not sticking up for herself and she is over the relationship, period. We talk a bit, she tells me she loves me, but not our relationship, the distance sucks, we’re too serious, too young, etc. She ends the convo with don’t call or text, so I don’t, even for her birthday a few days ago (Feb 3), and then she gets pissed about me not getting in touch with her and saying happy birthday.

Finally, I see her yesterday, she was home for a few days, and we talked for a bit. I could tell she was nervous, she was fidgety and we were driving around in her car for no real reason, and she wasn’t making much eye contact. She said she feels like we’re too serious, too young, etc, right people at the wrong time, she would be lucky to spend her life with someone like me, but just not ready yet, etc. I spoke my mind about how I was ready to say we needed a break until she could be in a serious relationship, and gave her a letter about what I felt, since I didn’t want to get emotional in front of her and have her pity me or anything like that, which happened over Christmas. She reads it and starts to tear up, but her family was around, so she said she would read it once she got back to school. I went to leave, we hugged, I asked if I could kiss her, she said it would be weird, so I kissed her forehead, hugged her again, and left. I realized I forgot to give her something, so I went back, and she kisses me 3 times out of the blue, and says I love you, then I leave for good. Today I tried to ask her about it but she didn’t say a word about it and had to go.

Basically, I know that she still loves me, and she loves being with me, but the fact that she can’t be with me when she wants to has messed with her. Also, since she just turned 22, and still has a year of school left with lots of single friends at a big party school, she probably feels like she is missing out on the college experience, etc, and so doesn’t want the hassle of being tied to a guy who is 5 hours away. I love this girl to death, and I think she is the one for me, I can totally imagine marrying her and having a family with her, she just makes me feel amazing, but I cannot stand the up and down of the distance. Obviously that is something that has been constant from the beginning, and it hasn’t improved at all. Plus, since she got scared about us being so serious around Halloween, she never recovered, and I don’t know if I have any choice but to give her space and hope that she comes back to me. Given her pattern of dealing with distance poorly, along with the fact that I cannot move out there to be near her due to her past issues, is there any way to save this, or do I have to cut ties and hope she comes back missing me? Please tell me there is something I can do to get her to want me, and to want US again.

UPDATE: It has been 2 weeks since I saw her, Feb 6th, and within the past week she blocked me on facebook even though we weren’t really talking much as per my request for some time to my self, she texted me on Valentines Day, and she is now in a relationship with a guy at school, 3 weeks after breaking up with me. She admitted a week ago that she still loved me but didn’t want to dwell, wanted all this to be over already and in the past. I know what she is doing, which is burying her feelings for me and trying to cover them up with a new relationship, but i don’t know what to do. I want to help her still, and I love her, but I doubt she’ll give me the time of day. Suggestions? I don’t want to live my life with this being a what if, and I don’t want her to regret this a few years down the road and have it be too late.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You gave this relationship a really good shot. There are no stones left unturned. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want the same thing you do, and that’s how this is ending. My advice is to accept that this has run it’s course and it’s time for you to move on.

When you do, I strongly advise you to date women who live in your vicinity and who are not going to present a long distance issue. In the end, distance is a compatibility issue and the distance between the two of you made you incompatible. You tried to overcome the feelings without curing the problem. This time around, choose someone who lives closer to you so that if you do fall in love with them, you can see them more easily and get to know them more easily, too.

I hope that helps.

You can follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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