[Sophie]

There is one ex-boyfriend that I have always thought was “the one who got away.” We were high school sweethearts and dated several years. We talked about getting married someday but we were young. He was my first love and my best friend. We never had a fight but broke up due to the long distance in college. In fact when we were breaking up he told me he should probably marry me because he knew he would never find anyone more perfect for him. I have always hoped someday we would get back together.

We both currently live in the same town we grew up in. We have had some contact through phone calls through out the years. The timing was never right though and we were never single at the same time. I had heard through mutual friends that he had a live-in girlfriend. I think they have been together for about 5 years. When I joined Facebook a few months ago I decided to look him up. I was shocked to see that the girlfriend is extremely unattractive! She is short, fat and ugly. He’s a cute guy, he could do so much better! All these years I have missed him & this is who he is with when he could have had me? It doesn’t make sense to me. From a few different comments they both made on their FB walls I learned that she is pushing to get married and he doesn’t want to. She is 30, he is 35 years old. I friend requested him and he accepted. A few weeks later he sent me an email at 4 o’clock in the morning saying how he misses me more than he has ever missed anyone and gave me his cell phone # and told me to call him anytime. He is the only guy I have ever pictured myself married to. I am not dating anyone and I would love to have him back in my life. Do you think a guy in his 30’s should know whether or not she is someone he would want to marry after 5 years? Do I tell him how I feel and that I want him back before it is too late and either one of us is married? Normally I would not persue a guy who is in a relationship. But he is my one true love. I would be devistated if he ever married her. I’m torn. Is it ridicious to tell him I still have feelings for him after all these years even though I know he is not currently single? It would hurt to be rejected by him. But I don’t want to go through life wondering what if and regretting not telling him. Help, I’m so confused.

[Clara]

Your ex-boyfriend sounds like he’s not one hundred percent into his live in girlfriend of five years. If he was, he wouldn’t have texted you that he misses you so much. I think he has some of the same regrets and desires about getting together again that you do.

That said, there are a couple of important rules you should follow:

First of all, don’t make any assumptions about his current girlfriend based on what you surmise from Facebook postings or grapevine gossip. Only put stock in what you actually hear and see from him. Gossip is a very poor means of gathering information!

Second of all, don’t get into a competition about his girlfriend being short, fat, ugly and not as good as you are. Let all that negativity go. It won’t serve you in any productive way.

Third of all, don’t come out and pour your heart out to him. What you had many years ago is a great memory and a lift off point for any future relationship you may come to find yourself in with him. However, don’t pick up where you left off. You’ve grown and matured in the years you’ve spent apart, and you get to show him how great you are now — and if he thought you were terrific back then, he’s about to have his socks knocked off. 🙂 Show him, don’t tell him, about your interest, by flirting with him and showing him your best self. Make your time together in which you talk, e-mail, text or see each other so terrific, that he can’t help himself — he’ll HAVE to ask you out on a date to see what else is there. (Get my book, pronto, for my tips and advice to make this dynamic work for you: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].)

What you want to avoid is a messy situation. If he is living with his girlfriend, then your starting up something with him before he breaks up with her is going to poison your relationship with him. What I’d encourage you to do is to give him the incentive to clear the decks in his life to make room for you.

I hope that helps, and you’ll let me know how things go.

Good luck!

[Member]

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