[ramo6977]

It has been more than 2 years since my girlfriend and I started dating. We met in high school and I graduated in 2008 and went to Michigan for college and she graduated in 2009 and went to Delaware for college. We live in New York and had done well for the first year when I went away. However when she was getting ready to leave for college, she ‘got weird’.

We had been fighting more often and hadn’t been as loving to each other as we had in the past. But instead of talking about fixing it, she told me that we shouldn’t talk for a while. She broke up with me. I was away at an internship while this happened last summer. I was crushed and had no one to really turn to. It was all very messy and we said things we shouldn’t have. But, roughly 1-2 weeks after she started at Delaware, she called me and was very apologetic. We slowly started talking more and more, and after my internship, I visited things and we seemed to patch things up. One thing I asked her was did you screw around while we were apart? (I didn’t want to be with someone who crushes me to go screw around with a clear conscience just to come back to me later). She was very clear that she did not. I also said that I did not. I truly did not and had no intention to. I was simply trying to get over her, not with the help of physical relations with any other female.

We have grown close again and she flew to see me for Thanksgiving and we had a great Christmas together. However, we were always a very sexual couple, and she seemed a bit ‘off’ in this respect. Though this upset me, I never really thought much of it.

However, recently we were getting into some ‘sexting’ shortly after I got back to my internship. We were talking about some things and I said that it would be hot if she screwed around with another guy and sent me a video. I thought that this was all talk. But, perhaps I got what I wanted. She sent me a video doing just that, I could see that she was performing oral sex on another man. I became flush once it really hit me. 😳 She then tried to get me to think that it was a video online and that it was not her.

I called her and we talked about it. I told her that I don’t know if I can look at her the same again. She said she was waiting for a good time to tell me and just thought that night would be the easiest. I said I felt lied to and cheated. I told her I didn’t want to jump right to ending the relationship, but that I was close. I believe that when we patched things up after she got to school, it was all under false pretenses.

She said she wants to change and says that she never did anything like that while we were truly together and would never cheat. I don’t know what to take from this. Part of me wants to end it. But the other part knows how great we are when we’re together. I don’t want to lose a good thing. Though, I’m very hurt.

[Ask April Masini]

Forgiveness is difficult. Balancing forgiveness with the reality of a long distance relationship while the two of you are in two different colleges in two different states is even more difficult.

Your heart must be crushed because your girlfriend cheated on you, but [i]you[/i] really opened the door to her doing so by actually suggesting it would turn you on if she were to have sex with another man and then send you a video of the act. It was kind of an invitation for a threesome, although all three of you wouldn’t be in the same room at the same time. That she did this for you was even more outrageous than your suggesting she do it, but it’s hard to blame her completely for this. It’s also going to be hard for you to get that image out of your head. This was a mistake that you [i]both[/i] made.

My suggestion is that you do nothing for now. No drama. You need to understand that it’s very hard for either one of you to not date others because of your distance from each other, your age, and the fact that college is a time when dating and sex are extremely common forms of experimentation.

What’s more important for you to figure out is why you wanted to see her having sex with another man. You’re going to have to dig deep to get to the truth, but it’s important for your peace of mind.

If you can find tolerance for yourself and for each other, and understanding that it’s hard to maintain a long distance relationship, then you have a shot at actually seeing if what you have is strong enough to sustain all these obstacles. Time and self knowledge are going to be your tests. You can salvage your relationship, but you’re both going to have to want to.

[ramo6977]

Thank you for the response. I understand what you’re saying, but she didn’t actually do this after I stated my fantasy. She had already done it and simply sent me the video she had made.

Over the summer, we had broken up and a month went by. She said that she was really angry with me one night in particular and that’s when this happened. She said that when they made the video she thought of the idea of me seeing it and immediately went back to her room. The real kicker to me though, is that we got back together and she told me that she would be more open about things. I asked if she did anything with anyone else while we were apart and she said no.

I feel like the last 4 months we’ve shared were a lie. This is the difficult part. It wouldn’t be as bad if she was honest and truly was coming clean and trying to start fresh when we got back together.

I feel deceived and cheated even though she didn’t “technically” cheat.

[Ask April Masini]

The problem here is that you feel really upset about having seen your girlfriend having sex with someone else. You’re looking for a technicality to absolve you from any responsibility [i]you[/i] had in having seen her.

The reason your girlfriend did not cheat on you is that she had sex with another man while the two of you were [b]broken up[/b]. You weren’t her boyfriend at that time, so she wasn’t really cheating on you when she was with another man.

As for the lie, when you did get back together with her, you asked her if she’d been with anyone else while the two of you were broken up, and she said no. Clearly, she lied to you. However, all lies are not equal. 😯 There are times when white lies are appropriate. Try and look at it from her point of view. Because the two of you were getting back together, she didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you she’d been with other men. In fact, when you start dating someone for the first time ever, you’d never ask a woman if she’d had sex with someone else before she met you because although you don’t want to know she did if you like her a lot, you accept that she’s coming to the table with some dating and sexual experience under her belt. Lots of couples who break up and then get back together later, don’t use this rule of thumb, and frankly, it’s a mistake not to. It’s wrong to expect your girlfriend (or for her to expect you) not to date other people if the two of you are no longer an item. I think you need to forgive her for not telling you she had been with other men when you asked her upon your reunion.

[i]The real problem[/i] is that you told her how hot it would be if she had sex with another guy. What she should have done was employ another white lie and rather than fess up the truth in video images, not show you anything. But this time, she did tell the truth, and she did hurt you a lot by showing you images of that act.

The way to fix your feelings, which are really the problem right now, is for you to dig deep and ask yourself why you told her how hot you would feel seeing her with another man. Again, if you really felt this way — that you wanted to see her with someone else, a white lie would have been entirely appropriate. Keeping that fantasy to yourself would have allowed you to be truthful to yourself, but would have prevented her from wanting to please you by making your fantasy come true.

There are lots of times when white lies are appropriate in a relationship. If a man thinks that gigantic breasts are the hottest thing ever, and his girlfriend or wife is small breasted, keeping his fantasy to himself may make his wife feel better about herself, and their relationship will be better off for her feeling good about herself. The same goes for women who wish their boyfriends were better endowed, but instead tell their men how incredible they are in every way, and because the guys feel great about themselves, the relationship is served. These are the white lies that are appropriate. Learn when and how to use them, and you’ll have a lot easier time in relationships. I promise.

[ramo6977]

Thank you very much for the response. It was more in depth than I expected and a different point of view than I expected. I guess I expected a traditional “see how it goes… if you can live with what she did, then move on. if not, then end the relationship.” I appreciate this response very much. It’s given me a different perspective.

I have a paid holiday coming up and am thinking about driving 9 hours to see her and spend some time together. At first, I felt hesitant, as if I was going out of my way to visit a girl who cheated on me.

Now, I think it may be a good idea. What do you think?

[ramo6977]

Sorry for the double post, but also, you are the first to advise me to keep more thoughts inside. But, it may be good. I believe I am one of the most honest and open people out there, generally. Perhaps a bit too much though, which I never really thought of.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m really glad I could help by opening your mind up to other perspectives and ways of thinking about your problem. 😀 I think visiting her is a good idea, but that alone isn’t enough. YOU really have to delve into your own mind and heart and think about what it would be like to be in her shoes and vice versa. You have to understand yourself enough to know why you told her you wanted to see her having sex with another guy. And if you can drop all judgment against YOURSELF, you’re a lot more likely to get to the truth, and in this case, being brutally honest with YOURSELF will allow you to have a mature relationship with this woman or any other woman in your life. In fact scratch that — being brutally honest with yourself will help you in romantic, platonic and business relationships as well. But being brutally honest with yourself does not always mean applying that same standard to all those relationships. That said, all great relationships start with self knowledge.

So do your work, and visit her. Be gentle on yourself and her and understand that this is a process that is ongoing. 🙂

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