[AcheyBreakyHeart]

Hi April,

Before I begin, I apologise for the lengthy post. I just wanted to provide all the information…

My fiance and I have been engaged for almost four years and we have a very open and trusting relationship. Recently my fiance’s laptop stopped working so I loaned him mine as I don’t need to use it very often. This week I needed a computer to do some work at home and I used mine as he now has a new laptop. I opened up a web browser and clicked down on the drop down bar so I could access a link to a search engine and a website caught my eye. The website cam4.com was listed in the browser and not knowing what it is I clicked it. While I didn’t expect him to have opened up a pornographic website on my laptop I brushed it off as I know we both have watched pornographic material both alone and as a couple in the past. What I didn’t expect however was it to log into his registered homepage. I was really shocked to see that he had an actual account on the website however I thought he was just using it to gain access to different material.

Being nosy (I know it’s really really wrong so please don’t lecture me) I scrolled through and read his profile which can be seen whenever someone accesses his page. His profile stated that he has been an active member since 2009 (the year we got engaged), that he is in an “open-relationship” (not true as I thought we were in a committed relationship), he hopes to have a threesome in the future (something we’ve joked about but I didn’t believe either of us was serious), he’s up for cyber sex and finally, not only has he been watching other people on this website, he has also been going on camera for other people (I have no idea what he’s been doing).

The worst insult was that while I was in hospital having an operation, he was online “camming” for other people.

I really have no idea how to approach this. Technically he hasn’t cheated but I feel betrayed and deeply hurt by what he has done. I don’t feel like I’m good enough and it’s made me question everything I thought I knew about him and our relationship. I’ve tried not to think about it but in my heart I know that I need to talk to him about this. I just don’t know where to start.

Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your fiance has been leading a secret life. 😕 It’s one thing to browse through girlie magazines and covet the Playmate of the Month, but it’s another to participate in regular, two-way, live time, mutual sexual activity and represent yourself as available because your relationship is open and not monogamous. 😳 Wake up and smell the coffee!

The fact that you have to ask if this is cheating means you’re looking for a way not to see this clearly because the truth is painful. 😳 I know that our former president swore up, down and sideways that he “did not have sex with that woman” because for him, oral copulation, making out and playing hide the cigar wasn’t “technically” sex, 🙄 but the minute you start asking if something is “technically” cheating, you sound like a lawyer looking for a loophole because you’ve got a big problem on your hands. 😕

It’s time to tell him you know about his secret sex life, and ask him why he’s been hiding it from you. Clearly, you don’t know him as well as you thought you had. You need to listen and hear what he has to say. Then, you need to decide, based on what he says, what is right for you.

But[b] the bigger problem[/b], and this cheating is probably just a symptom of it, is why you’re engaged for four years with no wedding date in sight. 😮 I’m not sure how old you both are, but unless there’s a good reason for such a long engagement, when a man decides he wants to marry you, he will. Re-think the relationship.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[AcheyBreakyHeart]

Hi April,

Thank you so much for responding to my question. I know that what you have told me makes sense and I really need to talk to him. I plan to do so this evening when he gets home from work.

As for the reason behind the long engagement, we’re only 24 years old and I asked him to wait for a few years as when we got engaged we were still at university and didn’t know where our careers would take us. We’ve actually just began planning our wedding and planned to wed next spring.

I’ll let you know what happens when I’ve spoken to him.

Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! Good luck. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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