[SLT]

I met a guy online about 5 months ago. The first date was possibly my best first date ever- it was fun, low key, no pressure and I felt like we both truly enjoyed the date and enjoyed getting to know each other. Connection was definitely there. Shortly after our first date, he moved back to Chicago where he was going to school. He would text me every single day and we would talk for hours every night trying to get to know each other better and I enjoyed talking to him as he did (he said talking to me was fun). I felt there was still a good connection and chemistry even with the distance and his effort in keeping in touch daily though things were still casual. He also made the effort of sending me a present for my birthday. A couple of months later, he came back to town for a couple of job interviews and we met up again twice as follows:

First time – we had decided to meet at 2pm but at 2pm he never showed and I was trying to get a hold of him and but no avail until an hour later where he told me he was running late and if I had time to meet sure, and if not that’s fine too. I was really pissed at him at this point because I turned down other plans just for him and he just dismissed it so easily. He asked to meet at a later time. We still met up that night and the chemistry was definitely there. He finally apologized and said “his phone has issues”. I feel that if a guy was serious in meeting up, he wouldn’t be so nonchalant about things. Again after that, he continued to text everyday again.

Two weeks after that we met up again. This time I knew he was going to be in town but he did not mention meeting up so I left it at that because I understood he had interviews and all. He texts me later saying “Hey, I know this is kinda last minute but would you be free to grab a bite tomorrow after work?” I did meet up with him a day later than he suggested because I did want to see him. But again, if a guy was truly interested he would put in more effort than a last minute attempt, right?

Throughout the entire 4 months there was never any discussion as to what this whole thing was.

We continued communicating everyday until about the holidays when the communication started dwindling. I attributed it to the fact that we were both busy with the holidays and family. I have never once pushed him for daily texts ever and gave him space to reach out to me by mimicking his frequency of communication. But the communication started getting more scarce ie he didn’t text me for a week so I texted him with a simple “hey, how are your interviews going”. He responded nicely apologizing for the lack of communication and that he was busy and stressed with school and work. (and I totally understand that, I have my own life and stresses too). But the level of comfort in communication just wasn’t quite the same anymore and I felt him slowly pulling away or doing the slow fade out and was texting out of obligation rather than because he wanted to. So I decided to walk away. I texted him with what I thought was a very nice way of ending things by saying it was really nice to get to know him and thanking him for such a fun past few months but I don’t really know where this was going and I wished him all the best in his future. He never responded. I honestly was very hurt by his silence and I felt bad because I felt that I ended things to hastily without even asking to hear his side of the story and also, I missed talking to the guy. So 2 weeks after that I tested the water by asking a simple “hey how have you been” to which he said “hey, I’m fine. You?” So I told him how I felt about the whole situation as objectively as I could without sounding angry, pushy, needy or demanding. I told him he was a great guy and I had wanted to see where we could take this but I wasn’t sure how he felt about it and I wasn’t sure myself given the distance and timing and that it probably wasn’t fair of me to not hear his side. And of course, wished him well. Again, he never responded. I have given up on this now but I have so many questions left.

On my part, I did like him enough to wonder where this could go even though I wasn’t a fan of long distance. I felt like I showed him enough interest by being present and available for him but at the same time not giving too much because I am not dating this person. I felt like I did my due diligence but also held back enough. I couldn’t however communicate what I wanted with him for a few reasons:

1. I honestly am still trying to figure out what I want
2. The distance makes things hard
3. I felt him pulling away and wasn’t sure of what he wanted.

I am trying to understand what happened here and understanding men more for my own future dating reference, not trying to get him back because this guy is not worth it. I don’t understand why he can’t even give a simple acknowledgement (ie thank you, same to you) that things ended or what his silence means. It’s as if the past 4 months never even happened at all to him. I am upset that he wasted my time but more importantly too is why would he waste his own time?

Could I have approached things more differently ie have a talk with him first, or gave him more time, be more understanding,? Please help! I am trying to learn here!

Any advice?

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you weren’t his cup of tea for this time in his life. This is normal, and not everyone you date is going to want a commitment with you, and not everyone who wants a commitment with you is going to be someone you’re all that interested in. Dating is a process that allows you to get to know someone. The trick is to pay attention the signs along the way and behave accordingly, as well as to have some perspective on dating in general.

The perspective part means that you need to remember you had a handful of dates with this guy in four months. I counted three or four dates in total. That’s not a relationship — it’s three or four dates. You have to remember that the two of you met online, and there’s a strong chance he met other women online, as well, and has been dating them, too. In other words, he was playing the field, while you were counting the days since you’d known him, not the dates you’d had. In other words, I’d try to get you to see this as something more casual than you the way you seem to be seeing it.

When a guy stands you up for a date, it means he doesn’t respect your time. You had the appropriate reaction — but then you stayed in the game. In fact, you agreed to meet him later that night — it sounds like that was your second date. I would have advised you that if on a second date, a guy didn’t show up, to move on. You made that same dating faux pas again when you broke up with him, he responded with silence, and then you waited two weeks and got back in touch with him. 😕 Here’s the thing — if you want to be a girlfriend who is respected, you have to start by respecting yourself. If a guy stands you up, move on. If you break up with a guy and he doesn’t respond, move on. This isn’t about him, or teaching him a lesson — it’s about showing yourself that he’s not right for you. You articulated those feelings, but your behavior didn’t match the way you felt. 😉

I’ll try to answer your questions from the end of your post — maybe that will help.

[quote]On my part, I did like him enough to wonder where this could go even though I wasn’t a fan of long distance.[/quote]

If you’re not a fan of long distance, don’t date someone who lives long distance. There are so many options when it comes to online dating, use the filters that require your dates to be close by. 😉

[quote]I felt like I showed him enough interest by being present and available for him but at the same time not giving too much because I am not dating this person. I felt like I did my due diligence but also held back enough. I couldn’t however communicate what I wanted with him for a few reasons:

1. I honestly am still trying to figure out what I want
2. The distance makes things hard
3. I felt him pulling away and wasn’t sure of what he wanted.[/quote]

You can be the best girlfriend in the world, but if he’s not into you, you’re not the best girlfriend in the world for him. The trick is to find a compatible date! He isn’t. It also helps to be clear on what you want, and I think you do know some of what you want, for instance, no long distance, someone who’s respectful of your time, and someone who has more time for you and isn’t as busy as this guy is. In addition, if he’s pulling away, you’re assuming he wasn’t sure of what he wanted. I would assume he was sure, and that it wasn’t a commitment at this point, or pressure to commit. 😉

[quote]I am trying to understand what happened here and understanding men more for my own future dating reference, not trying to get him back because this guy is not worth it.[/quote]

He wasn’t that into you, and the two of you had some incompatibilities which is why he didn’t respond to your break up. You’re right — when someone is not compatible with you, it’s not worth the time to try and make something work that doesn’t really have a future.

[quote]I don’t understand why he can’t even give a simple acknowledgement (ie thank you, same to you) that things ended or what his silence means. It’s as if the past 4 months never even happened at all to him.[/quote]

He didn’t acknowledge your break up because he didn’t want to. That’s valuable information for you. His silence meant he didn’t want to be in touch with you — at least he didn’t want to make the effort. It’s unfair of you to impute your feelings on him — whether or not he felt that past four months happened to him or not are his feelings, and it’s not worth your effort to try and read his mind, which you can’t. At the end of the four months and three dates, he wasn’t interested. That’s not a crime. It happens. It’s great you want to learn from your experiences, and I hope you will — but try not to blame him.

[quote] I am upset that he wasted my time but more importantly too is why would he waste his own time? [/quote]

Again, don’t impute your values onto him. He may not feel he wasted his time. As for you wasting your time — you can learn to pay attention to cues early on. If a guy stands you up, don’t expect him to respect your time at a later date. And if you break up with him and he doesn’t respond to your text, learn from that silence, that he wasn’t that interested in responding. Accept who he is, and consider making different choices next time around. That’s a valuable lesson. 🙂

[quote]Could I have approached things more differently ie have a talk with him first, or gave him more time, be more understanding,?[/quote]

Yes, you could have approached things differently. For starters, if a guy you’re newly dating, stands you up for lunch, early in the game, without profuse apologies, a good excuse, and flowers, don’t reschedule for that night. When you do, you send him, and yourself, the message that he can do this again. If you break up with someone, move on, don’t go back for more. And remember that the first three months of dating someone is the time period in which you should decide if you both want to continue dating each other, that’s all. I think you both used it for that purpose, but came to different conclusions, and that happens. Don’t get too down about it. Just move on. 🙂 I’m very sure you’ll do better next time around.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Lune David]

This one hurts because it’s the classic “almost something” that never becomes anything and those are the hardest to let go of.

Here’s the blunt truth: he didn’t disappear because you did something wrong. He disappeared because he was never fully in. A man who is interested doesn’t stand you up, doesn’t text out of obligation, and doesn’t go silent when you close the door with grace. Silence is an answer — just not the one we want.

You didn’t waste four months because you’re foolish. You wasted four months because you were hopeful. Big difference.

You treated him with maturity, softness, and respect. He responded with convenience and emotional laziness. That mismatch isn’t your failure — it’s your lesson.

April is right: three dates in four months isn’t a relationship. It was potential, chemistry, and fantasy filling in the gaps. And we all do that when someone feels special. But reality showed itself in the behavior — late, last-minute, inconsistent, and finally… gone.

The part that stings most isn’t that he didn’t choose you. It’s that he didn’t even bother to close the chapter properly. And honestly? That tells you everything about the quality of man he was.

You didn’t lose him.
You lost an idea.
And you gained clarity.

Next time, the moment a man disrespects your time, you walk, not because you’re angry, but because you’re valuable.

And let’s be real: the right man won’t make you write a thesis trying to decode him. He’ll make you feel chosen.

You didn’t fail at dating.
You just leveled up.

[Member]

Posts