[Fifi]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He is a musician and has had many relationships in his past. We have been faithful to each other and he professes his commitment to me all the time. However someone from his past contacted Him after 20yrs claiming she wanted to get back her singing career….but they also shared a very something mutually personal during their conversation which I questioned. He said it felt comfortable and theraputic. He told be he was hurt that I would react the way I did. He also said the he is going to meet people he has had intimate relations with who he may want to work with and was it going to be a case of me becoming upset all the time. My thing is…if you are sharing personal things with people you have had intimacy with….I think I am well within my right to ask a question. Also the fact that he went on to tell me that when his career takes off again and he has to work with females am I going to stand in his way of that…was a little too much for me not to take notice

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re dating a musician, long-distance, and he is being honest with you about his relationships with other women. Rather than argue with him, listen. You’re not engaged or married, and this is valuable information for you if you’ve got either of those goals in mind. Decide if this is someone you want to continue seeing or not. You didn’t mention your ages or how long you’ve been together — or what you’re looking for in the long term — all of which will help me help you further. But given what you did write, my advice is to be grateful for the information and his candidness, and then be equally candid with yourself, and then him, about what you want and if this is going to work for you. 😉

I hope this helps! Let me know how things go.

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[Fifi]

April…thanks for the quick response. We’re both in our mid 40’s and have been together for 5yrs. He’s not having any relationships with other women if I gave that impression. I was mainly questioning his rational for having such a personal convo with someone he was with on an intimate level after 20 odd yrs or so. I’m also questioning whether has in fact put up a red flag for me by indicating that he may want to work with persons he has had personal relations with or people who may have shown interest in him and if I were to have a problem with it then we need to iron this issue so that we can move on. My response to this was clear. I told him I will never stand in his way of professional development where this is concerned….however I will have concerns if it becomes personal rather than professional…and I asked him what does he have in place to ensure that it does not affect me emotionally….we are currently in a very tense sit right now. All I want to do is iron this out whichever way it has to go. I don’t think my line of questioning was unfounded based on his response. I look forward to your response. Personally I really don’t think this can be resolved based on his sarcastic response and intent on letting me know I have to be bigger than this. I am not going to be a sitting duck

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason you’re in a tense situation is because you’re trying to control his behavior, and he doesn’t want you to, so he’s pushing back. 😕 That’s what his sarcasm is about. It’s a way of removing himself from your feelings. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, but it’s important that you don’t pull the wool over your eyes.

This woman from his past isn’t really the problem. She’s just a symptom. The issue at hand is your concern about his commitment to you. He feels that if he’s being honest with you about what’s happening, that creates intimacy between the two of you. But you don’t want him to have intimacy with other women, because you feel that it takes away from what you have with him. The two of you have different views on this. He’s telling you that his career has to come first, not your feelings, and you don’t like that. Most women wouldn’t.

You used the term “sitting duck” which feels really out of context, because a sitting duck gets shot easily. You’re not the victim or the target here. He’s keeping you in the loop, even if you don’t like what he’s telling you.

You mentioned that you’re in a long-distance relationship and have been with this guy for five years, and I’m wondering if it’s been long distance for all five years, how often you see each other, etc. And if you normally live together, live separately, or have marriage on the table at all.

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